Bowling For Dollars: News From Around The NCAA Football World
--As the Rose Bowl bound Penn Staters prepare for their struggle with the Trojans, Nittany U has announced that heptaoctogenarian head coach Joe Paterno will be getting a three-year extension to his already Smithsonian-bound contract. When asked by reporters what it's like being the head coach for so long of a successful college program, JoePa's nurse responded, "It's medication time!"
--The beguiled and bewildered San Diego State football program will be getting a much-needed enema now that new head coach Brady Hoke has been hired. Hoke, formerly the coach at bowlsters Ball State, promises "big changes" for the 2-10 Aztec program. AD Jeff Schemmel liked what he heard, adding: "Chuck Long was a great inspiration to us for the three years he coached here, and we will never forget those nine wonderful wins he gave us." Schemmel added: "But it was time to move this program to the next level." QB Ryan Lindley agreed and said, "Oh, thank you sweet Lord Jesus!!!!"
--OK RB DeMarco Murray will undergo hamstring surgery and therefore miss the Sooners title game with Florida. Coach Bob Stoops will miss his star runner, but added: "This is a versatile team. We still have Chris [Brown] and Moses[Madu]--not to mention a certain recent trophy winner..." When asked how Bradford will perform without both of his favorite hand-offs, Stoops responded: "I think Tim[Tebow] will do just fine."
--Finally, the controversial hiring of white coach Gene Chizik at Auburn over black candidate turner gill is having repercussions throughout the sports world, getting the attention of former NBA players and even Reverend Jackson. But white Auburn AD Jay Jacobs insisted the choice is not "racially motivated" and added: "I have the greatest respect for turner[gill] but we believe Gene Chizik is the best fit for us here at Auburn. I mean, what he did at Iowa State speaks for itself!" When asked what he brings to the table, Chizik said, "Not to humble that gill fellow, but I--Gene Chizik--plan to bring a new dimension to this program. A dimension of toughness, whiteness and winning." turner gill, who is black, was unavailable for comment.