Post a funny joke or else you are one of those dweebs that wear pleated pants
- Thread starter Jack Davenport
- Start date
A free-spirited young Austrian woman named Maria asked the von Trapp children: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the oldest daughter Liesl to look her way.
"Liesl, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
She stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my father, who will have you fired!"
Maria is shocked by Liesl’s reaction, but undaunted. She asks the children the question again, and this time Friedrich raises his hand.
"Yes, Friedrich?" says Maria. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye." "Very good, Friedrich. Thank you.
Maria turns to Liesl and says, "Liesl, I have 3 things to tell you:
First, it's clear that you have not done your homework.
Second, you have a dirty mind.
And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly, fuckin’ disappointed."
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the oldest daughter Liesl to look her way.
"Liesl, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
She stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my father, who will have you fired!"
Maria is shocked by Liesl’s reaction, but undaunted. She asks the children the question again, and this time Friedrich raises his hand.
"Yes, Friedrich?" says Maria. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye." "Very good, Friedrich. Thank you.
Maria turns to Liesl and says, "Liesl, I have 3 things to tell you:
First, it's clear that you have not done your homework.
Second, you have a dirty mind.
And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly, fuckin’ disappointed."
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Back in 1955 an Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful young naked Jewish woman with a great body and nice fuckin’ tits
knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's fuckin' worse, Father; I was weak, and I wanted to fuck her so I told her that she had to pay rent with her sexual favors," continued the man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God,
in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest.
The man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the fuckin' war is over?".
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful young naked Jewish woman with a great body and nice fuckin’ tits
knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's fuckin' worse, Father; I was weak, and I wanted to fuck her so I told her that she had to pay rent with her sexual favors," continued the man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God,
in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest.
The man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the fuckin' war is over?".
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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a beautiful young blonde babe beside him and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says,
"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your tits, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your fuckin’ cock is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 701."
http://www.sinfulcurves.com/Link/SPM/PL2ArynneTiller.html
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a beautiful young blonde babe beside him and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says,
"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your tits, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your fuckin’ cock is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 701."
http://www.sinfulcurves.com/Link/SPM/PL2ArynneTiller.html
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Humper comes home from a hard day at work only to find his girlfriend Felicia laying in front of the fire place naked with her legs wide open.
He asked, "Baby what are you doing?"
She replied, "I'm heating up your fuckin' dinner."
http://tour.playboyplus.com/girl/ga...b/?nats=adultfree.6.1023.1069.0.8017982.0.0.0
He asked, "Baby what are you doing?"
She replied, "I'm heating up your fuckin' dinner."
http://tour.playboyplus.com/girl/ga...b/?nats=adultfree.6.1023.1069.0.8017982.0.0.0
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Sir Humper is out picking up chicks on Friday night. While at one of his favorite bars, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde with nice big tits who is pretty drunk.
So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, she takes off everything, sucks his cock making it nice and hard and they go at it fucking each other’s brains out. After a long while…
He cums deep inside her pussy loudly, giving her a nice creampie. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. babe are you finish?”
After a slight pause. She replies, “No.” Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, inserts his boner in her jizz receptacle and fucks her hard again
this time lasting even longer than the first… and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts and another nice creampie. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks
“So….are you finish?”
And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.” Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour.
This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, shooting a nice thick load deep insider her. After quite some time and energy is spent.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… baby are you fuckin’ finish?”
“No. I’m fuckin’ Swedish.”
http://tour.playboyplus.com/girl/ga...a.LOWERJOIN.PB_CyberClub.MAIN.1.8020307.0.0.0
So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, she takes off everything, sucks his cock making it nice and hard and they go at it fucking each other’s brains out. After a long while…
He cums deep inside her pussy loudly, giving her a nice creampie. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. babe are you finish?”
After a slight pause. She replies, “No.” Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, inserts his boner in her jizz receptacle and fucks her hard again
this time lasting even longer than the first… and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts and another nice creampie. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks
“So….are you finish?”
And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.” Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour.
This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, shooting a nice thick load deep insider her. After quite some time and energy is spent.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… baby are you fuckin’ finish?”
“No. I’m fuckin’ Swedish.”
http://tour.playboyplus.com/girl/ga...a.LOWERJOIN.PB_CyberClub.MAIN.1.8020307.0.0.0
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I don't know any jokes, so I'm just going to stick with the friendly neighbours battling over...
Swedish, Norwegian and Finnish doctor were comparing their most successful surgical operations.
Swedish enthuses: "Once I sewed a woman's legs back to her body so well that the same woman become a ballerina."
Norwegian says: "Once one man became a violinist when I sewed back her cut-off hands."
Finnish said: "Well, I have had some similar cases, but once after a huge accident there was nothing more than glasses and a horse's ass left and I still managed make a Member of Parliament out of them."
Swedish, Norwegian and Finnish doctor were comparing their most successful surgical operations.
Swedish enthuses: "Once I sewed a woman's legs back to her body so well that the same woman become a ballerina."
Norwegian says: "Once one man became a violinist when I sewed back her cut-off hands."
Finnish said: "Well, I have had some similar cases, but once after a huge accident there was nothing more than glasses and a horse's ass left and I still managed make a Member of Parliament out of them."
Q: What are three words I dread the most when I’m fucking the shit out of our next door neighbor?
A: "Honey, I'm home."
http://barechicks.net/?p=6772
A: "Honey, I'm home."
http://barechicks.net/?p=6772
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Mr. Daystar
In a bell tower, watching you through cross hairs.
Yeah....I'll be back when I'm done ironing my pleats.
Yeah, pleated pants are a joke unto themselves.
Same with mom jeans. What's up with those?
I'm a flat-pantser.
Sexy Questions for hot naughty Felicia:
Q. What is the difference between mayonnaises and cum?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't shoot down your throat at 40 miles per hour.
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: What's the similarity between a Rubik's Cube and a cock?
A: The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
A: One's a Goodyear; the other's a great fuckin’ year.
Q: What's about seven inches long and produces a white, frothy substance when rubbed back and forth and in and out?
A: A toothbrush.
Q: Do you have a word of advice for us Felicia?
A: A blow job before sex is a great head start.
Q: What is 6.9?
A: A really great thing ruined by a fuckin’ period.
Q: What is a diaphragm?
A: A trampoline for dickheads.
Q: What does 69 equal?
A: A couple of mouths full.
Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!
Q: What do you call a woman who loves small dicks Felicia?
A: Hopefully your fuckin’ girlfriend.
http://barechicks.net/playboy4/feliciataylor/
Q. What is the difference between mayonnaises and cum?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't shoot down your throat at 40 miles per hour.
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: What's the similarity between a Rubik's Cube and a cock?
A: The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
A: One's a Goodyear; the other's a great fuckin’ year.
Q: What's about seven inches long and produces a white, frothy substance when rubbed back and forth and in and out?
A: A toothbrush.
Q: Do you have a word of advice for us Felicia?
A: A blow job before sex is a great head start.
Q: What is 6.9?
A: A really great thing ruined by a fuckin’ period.
Q: What is a diaphragm?
A: A trampoline for dickheads.
Q: What does 69 equal?
A: A couple of mouths full.
Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!
Q: What do you call a woman who loves small dicks Felicia?
A: Hopefully your fuckin’ girlfriend.
http://barechicks.net/playboy4/feliciataylor/
Attachments
Mr. Daystar
In a bell tower, watching you through cross hairs.
Last funny joke I heard was in the "guess what A-list celebrity has HIV", thread.
Apparently Charlie Sheen is an a-lister.
Apparently Charlie Sheen is an a-lister.
Supafly
Retired Mod
The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
Supafly
Retired Mod
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."
