Official Dirty Joke Thread

[Irony]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde woman fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The blonde then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

 

[Dixie Normus]

What's black and blue and hates sex?




The 12 year old tied up in my trunk.

 

[nastyfalcon]

A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara by camel. On the third day, a sandstorm whips up and they take shelter. When the storm stops, the camel is dead. "Well Sister this looks grim" says the priest. "We can't survive two days out here and we're a week from the nearest camp. Since we're unlikely to live, would you do something for me Sister? I've never seen a woman's breasts. Could I see yours?

The nun, a bit fazed, replies, "Under the circumstances, I can't see any harm" So she gets them out. Then the priest says "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" Again, she consents. After a few minutes, the nun asks "Father, could I ask something of you? I've never seen a man's thingy. Could I see yours?" "OK" says the priest. When she's examined the priest's organ. She asks "Can I touch it?"

The priest agrees. After a couple of minutes of her attention, he's standing to attention too and he whispers "Sister, did you know that if I insert my penis into the right place, it can give life?"

"Is that really true?" asks the nun. "Yes.""Then stick it up that camel's arse and let's get the fuck out of here!

 

[nastyfalcon]

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.

"I'm lookin' for the meanest, toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.

"We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"

Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."

 

[tunsty]

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband`s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:"Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper`s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted...

 

[pen15]

lol

 

[swhlye]

That Halloween pedophile joke was sick, but funny as hell!! Here's some more.....


A man and a boy are walking through the forest. The boy says, "Boy, it sure is scary and dark out here." The man replies, "Yeah, but I have to walk back alone!"


A penguin is driving cross-country when his car breaks down, conveniently not far from a mechanic's garage. The mechanic gets the car in the garage and tells the penguin if he's hungry to go across the street and get something to eat at the diner and that he should be done in an hour or so. So, an hour passes and the penguin comes waddling across the street and asks the mechanic: "So, what's wrong with my car?"
To which the mechanic replies: "Looks like you blew a seal."
Penguin:"Oh! No, that's just ice cream"


First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, in medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them, and told them, the second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.


A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under the roof department store" looking for a job.
The manager says "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow, I’ll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down, "How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says "one."
The boss says, "just one?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day!
How much was the sale for?
The kid says " $101,237.64"
The boss says, "$101,23764? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SELL?"
Kid says, " First I sold him a small fish hook, then I sold him a medium fish hook, then I sold him a larger fish hook, then I sold him a new fishing rod, then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK??"
The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.."

 

[Dro50]

So I was going down on my girlfriend the other night and I said,
"Damn you got a big pussy!"
"Damn you got a big pussy!"
Then she said,
"Why did you say it twice?"
and I said,
"I didn't"













its the echo if ya can't figure it out....

 

[nastyfalcon]

When I posted this thread I never intended for there to be pedophile jokes posted on here.

Personally I find nothing humorus about childeren being raped. So please do not post pedophile jokes here.

Any other dirty jokes are fine, just nothing with children please.

thank you,

nastyfalcon

 

[elboozo]

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb ?


You can unscrew a lightbulb !

 

[elboozo]

What's 12 inches long and white ?

Nothing !!

 

[nastyfalcon]

What's the differance between "oooow" and Ohhhhh"? 3 inches

What's the differance between Pink and Purple? The grip

What is a Yanky? The same thing as a quicky but you can do it alone

 

[StriderNiteRide]

A teacher asked her class the use of light, a kid answered we eat it.
teacher said, How!!!!!!, who toald you that?
the kid said, last night may dad told mom "turn off the light, then put it in your mouth"

does she have a big pussy Or you have small.......?

 

[Montrealman]

Andrew Dice Clay

 

[domshooter]

does anyone mind if i post a couple anti-jew/black/mexican jokes? cause if they do i wont post

 

[nerd]

A hippie gets on the bus, sits next to a nun. The nun is very pretty, so the hippie asks
- "Excuse me, could you sin just once and make love with me?"
- "No, my heart and love belongs to God."

The bus driver heard this conversation. When the hippie gets off the bus, the bus driver whispers to him
- "Hey, dude, she's out on the cemetery every night at 11pm. Be creative, figure something out."

So the hippie dresses up as Jesus and walks to the cemetary. When he meets the nun at 11pm, he says "I am Jesus, son of God, and I want to make love to you." The nun replies "Oh, I am honored, but please only love me from behind as I am not worthy of seeing your face."

So the hippie takes her from behind. When he's done, he rips off his costume and yells
- "Ha, gotcha! I'm the hippie!"
Then, the nun turns around, rips off her robe and yells
- "Ha! Gotcha! I'm the bus driver!"

 

[dave_rhino]

does anyone mind if i post a couple anti-jew/black/mexican jokes? cause if they do i wont post

if you want to be banned4life then go for it :thumbsup:

 

[domshooter]

if you want to be banned4life then go for it :thumbsup:

right then, thats out. by the way im in no way anti-jew/black/mexican, theyre just jokes ive heard around town

 

[pussyman69]

What did the worm say to the Caterpillar?
Who did u fuck to get that coat?

Whats the difference between a Sheilas mouth and her arse?
What comes out of her arse carries more weight.

Why does Santa have such a large sack?
Coz he only comes once a year.

 

[mula0207]

one night a young girl saw her parents having sex. the next morning she asked her mom wat they were doing...mom said "sweatheart we were baking a cake." a couple days later the daughter told the mom that she knew the parents were baking another cake last night..shocked, because she was right, the mother asked "how do u know that, i locked the door." the daughter smiled and said "cuz, i liked the icing of the bed this morning"