Official Dirty Joke Thread

[WarAxe]

Well, hope I tell 'em right...

A woman enters a sexy shop
Clerk: "May I help you?"
Woman: "I want that yellow dildo, the blue one next to it and the red one over there"
Clerk: "Well, ma'am, I'll get you the yellow and the blue one, but I gotta check with my principal about the fire extinguisher..."

Miracles of women:
1 - They get wet without water
2 - They bleed without scars
3 - They make milk without eating grass
4 - They break the balls without even touching them

After having sex, a guy notices the condom's broken, then he takes the woman upside down, points a torchlight in her pussy and screams "GO INTO THE LIGHT! GO INTO THE LIGHT!"

Many women are against divorce 'cause they don't wanna share their husbands' money with a lawyer...

Husband: "Honey, I just won the lottery. Hurry, pack your stuff!"
Wife: "Winter clothes or bathing suits?"
Husband: "Pack everything: you're leaving!"

During sex
Man: "Let's do a 68"
Woman: "A what?"
Man: "A 68... You suck my dick and I owe you one"

Who invented love? Poor people to fuck for free

 

[Leezy]

hahaa! thers sum funny fukin jokes rite here, had me in stiches! good job guys :thumbsup:

 

[WarAxe]

I hope somebody's got some new ones...

 

[Big Sly]

I don't know if I told this one already but here it goes


A man walks into the finest whore house around. The head mistress addreses him.

"Welcome! Tell me, what kind of girl are you looking for? We have only the finest young women available."

The man replies, "I'm willing to spend $6000 for the night. Do you have anyone with Gonnorhea? It's very important that they have Gonnorhea."

The woman replies, "Surely you can't be serious. Here, Jennifer is one of our finest girls."

Jennifer walks down looking beautiful. Looong legs and a nice natural chest. Rich red hair down to the middle of her back.

The man eyes Jennifer and says, "No, I really want a girl with gonnorhea."

The woman says, "What about Cassandra?"

Cassandra walks down. She is a petite blonde with a tight little body and beautiful blue eyes.

The man drools over Cassandra and says "Does she have Gonnorhea?"

Cassandra takes it as an insult and runs off.

The woman goes and speaks to Cindy, another prostitute. She tells her to pretend like she has gonnorhea.

So they set it up and the man goes to bed with Cindy for six grand. After he busts, Cindy sits up and gets dressed. And as the man is leaving the room she says, "You know, I don't really have gonnorhea."

The man puts on his hat, gently takes her by the hand, looks into her beautiful blue eyes and says,








"Well, you do now."

 

[Philbert]

The Family of Potatoes
One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."

"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.

"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter"

"I'm marrying a Russet!"

"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride.

"Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother? I, too, have an announcement."

"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.

Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"

"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"

"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.

"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make."

"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"

"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?"

"I'm marrying Peter Jennings!"

"Peter Jennings?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!

 

[tartanterrier]

MAKING A BABY...


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''


Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"


"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"


"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."


"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."


"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.

The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally! , when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."


Mrs. Smith fainted.

 

[habo9]

John meets a girl at a club , goes home with her and after a night of fucking , the John rolls over and see's a framed picture of a man on the bedside cabinet , he starts to get worried.

"Is that your husband?" he asks nervously

"No , dont be daft" she replies , cuddling him

"Your boyfriend then?" he asks worrying

"No" she whispers in his ear , nibbling away at it

"Is it your Dad or brother? he asks again

"No" she replies again

John decides to leave it and fuck her again , but while he is fuckin her he cant get the guy out of his mind , so he stops mid fuck and asks her again while shes sittin on top of him

"Who is the guy in the picture? Is he a friend" he demands to know

"No , no , no" she replies again

"Well who the fuck is it?" he asks getting annoyed

The girl replies "Its me before surgery"

 

[freeoneskutti]

Lmao!!!......:d

 

[Cutie]

A drunk goes into a bar and says *all of you on the left side are Cocksuckers!, and all of you on the right side are Motherfuckers!* and a midget runs from the right to the left side, and the drunk asked *where the hell are you going little man?* and the midget replied *Oh, I'm sorry, I was on the wrong side of the room.*

 

[Grimm24]

ok. heres one:

why did the chicken cross the basketball court?



Because he heard the coach was handing out fowls