Official Dirty Joke Thread

[innocent]

Whist we're on the subject of religious/golf jokes...

A priest and one of his parishioners are playing golf one morning. They're on the first green when the parishioner misses a four foot putt and yells out in frustration "Damn it! Missed the fucker!" The priest shakes his head and says "You shouldn't swear like that my son, or God will smite you down". The parishioner apologises and they move onto the next hole.

Play is going smoothly until they get to the second green where the parishioner misses a three foot putt. "Damn it!! Missed the fucker!" yells the parishioner, and again the priest shakes his head, saying "I mean it my son, you shouldn't swear like that or God will smite you down". The parishioner apologises profusely and they move on to the next hole.

The parishioner plays a beautiful shot onto the green and is left with a two foot putt, but again he misses it and screams in frustration "Damn it!! Missed the Fucker!!" Suddenly a bolt of lightning bursts from the clouds and strikes the priest, leaving him a pile of charred ash on the green. At which point a a voice booms down from the heavens: "DAMN IT! MISSED THE FUCKER!"

 

[Big Sly]

great joke haha

Heres a classic blonde/brunette/redhead joke


So there was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead on a deserted island. It is 40 miles to shore. The brunette can't take it anymore. With no sign of help, she swims 20 miles out to sea only to drown. The redhead, determined to see her family again, swims as far as she could but only made it 20 miles before drowning. The blonde, who is very lonely and has nothing else to lose, gives it a try. She was unsuccessful however; she swam 20 miles, got tired, and swam back!

 

[innocent]

hehe, like it. And while we're on the subject of blondes, brunettes and redheads stuck on islands...

...There's this blonde, brunette and a redhead and their ship goes down in the middle of the ocean so they have to swim to this deserted island. They're stuck there for months, surviving as best they can by foraging for nuts and berries etc. They're all giving up hope of recuse when one day they discover a magic lamp, out of which appears a genie.

The genie says that he can only grant three wishes so they'll each get one wish. The brunette immediately wishes that she could be back home in bed, wrapped up in her husband's arms. The genie nods his head and in a puff of smoke the brunette is transported home safe and sound.

The redhead speak up next and wishes that she could be back home so that she can see her kids again . Once more, the genie nods his head and in a puff of smoke the redhead is whisked home to her family.

Finally the genie turns to the blonde and says "So what do you wish for my dear?"
"Well," says the blonde "I'm quite lonely on this island now. I wish that my friends were back here with me..."

 

[Big Sly]

classic...classic

this is from memory so I'm not sure it's quite right, but here it goes-

So a guy calls his house while on break from a long business meeting. A little girl picks up the phone:

Little girl: "Hello"
Man: "Hi sweetie, can you put mommy on the phone?"
Little girl: "Mommy is in her room right now."
Man: "Well can you go in and give her the phone?"
Little girl: "She is in there with Uncle George. They are wrestling."
Man: "WHAT?! Tell mommy that daddy is on the phone right now!"
Little girl: (to "mommy") Mommy, daddy is on the phone.

Suddenly, the man hears a loud scream on her end of the phone. A woman is crying loudly.

Man: "Dear God! What happened?!"
Little Girl: "Uncle George got scared and jumped out the window. He landed in the pool, but you drained it last week. Mommy is upset. She is crying. Uncle George is dead."
Man: "Pool....? I'm sorry is this 345-1253?"

 

[Big Sly]

I gots another one:


So there's this priest right? And its a glorious Sunday morning. The spring air is fresh, and love is in the air. The priest is giving his sermon when he sees the collection basket being passed around. He sees that, when it gets to little Johnny, he takes money out of it. After the sermon, the preist confronts Johnny. "Johnny, I saw you take money out of the collection basket. How much did you take." Johnny had no idea what to do. Nervously he confessed, "I took twelve dollars out of the collection basket." Shocked with his honesty, the priest looks at Johnny and says, "Well why did you do it?" Again Johnny was emarrassed and nervously confessed, "Well....you see... I needed a blowjob." The priest asked for the money back and told him to never steal, for it is a sin. Johnny claimed that he had learned his lesson and ran off to play.

Now thats all and well, except for one thing: The priest had NO IDEA what a blowjob was.

So later that week, he got up the nerve to call Sister Helen and ask her what it was:

Priest: Hi, Helen? This is George.
Sister: Hi! To what do I owe the pleasure?
Priest: Well Helen, we've been friends for a long time and I need to ask you something. It's really embarassing.
Sister: Oh George, you know you can ask me anything. Go ahead.
Priest: Well I was wondering...What's a blowjob?
Sister: Is that all? Why George, it's only $12.

 

[nastyfalcon]

Ok, this ones from memory, so I'm not sure how close it is.

A man from the city goes to a small country town to see what tha country was like.

As he walked along, he came across a farmer and a donkey. Wanting a full country experiance he asked the farmer if he could ride the donkey for a while, for $20. The farmer agreed and told him: "Ok, but sometimes he'll just stom moving for no reason. If he does this, just scratch hime between the ears and he'll start up again. Oh, and here in the contry a donkey is called an Ass.

Thanking the farmer, the man takes off riding the donkey. After a while he came upon another farmer with a bunch of chickens. Deciding a chicken would make a good pet, he bought one from the farmer. The farmer thanked him and said: "In these parts a chicken is called a pullet. You need to use the correct names or you look stupid."

The man thanked the Farmer and holding the hen in one are he scratched the donkey and was on his way. Further on he came across a woman farmer with some roosters. not wanting his new pet to be lonly he decides to buy one. As the farmer handed him the rooster she told him that roosters were known as cocks.

Tha man thanked her and tried to leave, but tha donkey wouldn't move. His hands were full with the hen and rooster, so he couldn't scratch the donkey.

Looking at the farmer he asked her: Ma'am, could you grab my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?

:rofl:

 

[dangerousD]

An old lady goes into an ice-cream parlor right as it is closing. The guy behind the counter reluctantly takes the lady's order:

MAN: Can I help you?

OLD LADY: Yes, son. I would like a cone of vanilla.

MAN: I'm sorry, ma'am, we had a busy day today and are out of vanilla.

OLD LADY: Oh, that's ok. (Looks around at all the other flavors in the case). I will have a cone of vanilla.

MAN: Uh, I'm sorry we are out of vanilla.

OLD LADY: Ah, I see. (Looks for a bit) I will have a cone of vanilla, then.

MAN: (Becoming irritated and speaking louder) I am SORRY, we are OUT of VANILLA. I have 30 other flavors to choose from.

OLD LADY: Oh, I am sorry, my hearing is not what it used to be.

(pauses)

OLD LADY: I will just have a cone of vanilla then.

MAN: Lady, do me a favor. Can you spell "straw", like in "strawberry"?

OLD LADY: Um, s-t-r-a-w?

MAN: Very good. Can you spell "butter" as in "butter pecan"?

OLD LADY: B-u-t-t-e-r.

MAN: Can you spell "fuck" as in vanilla?

OLD LADY: The is no "fuck" in vanilla.

MAN: (shouting) THAT'S WHAT I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU, YOU OLD BITCH! THERE IS NO FUCKING VANILLA!!!!!

 

[Sparhawk]

Hey NF,

Here is my contrabution to your thread

Do you know what one tampon said to the other tampon?
Nothing, they are both stuck up bitches.

 

[Sparky10020]

Some good ones!

Here's a contribution..

A hsuband and Wife go to bed one night. About 15 minutes later the husband start cuddeling up to his wife feeling a bit frisky.

His wife looks at him and says, "Not tonight honey. I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow." The husband sighs and says "All right" he rolls over and tries to sleep.

About 5 minutes later the husband is back.

His wife again says "No honey, I have Gynecologist appointment in the morning."

The husband replies, "Do you have a dentisit appointment tomorrow?"

 

[Philbert]

Not 'dirty', but....

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in economy
Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde passenger that she's paid for Economy,
and that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot
and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First
Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that
because she only paid for Economy, she is only entitled to an
Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, Im blonde, I'm beautiful, I' m going to
Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use
and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to
arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?'
'I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says,
"Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her
seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him
what he said to make her move without any fuss. The pilot replied,
"I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

Guys...there is a "Jokes" thread in the members only section that's been going for a while...several jokes here are already there (including this one).
Maybe read that thread and post new jokes?
(One can never hear/read enough good jokes!!!)


Q.)What's the difference between Christopher Reeve and O-Jay Simpson?
A.)O-Jay walked.

Q: What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
A: Their last big hit was The Wall!

We don't need no effing neck braces,
We don't need no full control.
No dark Chevys making right turns...
Dale... leave those bricks alone.
All in all it's just another hick in the wall.


A blonde goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks her sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day. We aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

:rofl:

 

[nastyfalcon]

Guys...there is a "Jokes" thread in the members only section that's been going for a while...several jokes here are already there (including this one).
Maybe read that thread and post new jokes?
(One can never hear/read enough good jokes!!!)


Q.)What's the difference between Christopher Reeve and O-Jay Simpson?
A.)O-Jay walked.

Q: What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
A: Their last big hit was The Wall!

We don't need no effing neck braces,
We don't need no full control.
No dark Chevys making right turns...
Dale... leave those bricks alone.
All in all it's just another hick in the wall.


A blonde goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks her sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day. We aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

:rofl:

Ah, but this thread was started long before the members only section even exsisted.

 

[Avirex86]

a priest is walking down the street and he sees a kid sitting on the sidewalk playin.
The priest bends down and says:
Priest: Hello toung man what are you doing?
Kid: I'm playing.
Priest: I can see you are playing but what are you playing with?
Kid: Prassic Acid
Priest: you can't play with prassic acid young man it's dangerous
Kid: I don't tell you not to play with holy water do I?
Priest: Young man Prassic Acid and holy water are 2 totally different things take for instance last Thursday i put some holy water on a womans stomach and she passed a baby
Kid: That's nothing last night i put some prassic acid o my dogs bollocks and he passed a ferarri.

What goes black white black white black white?
A nun rolling down a hill

What's Black and white and laughs?
the Nun that pushed her.

Why did god create adam before eve?
to give him a chance to speak.

Quasimodo, the hunch back of notre dame, returns home from a hard day ringing th cathedral bells - and finds hiswife standing in the kitchen with a wok.
Fantastic he says is it chinese tonight esmerelda?
No i'm ironing your shirt.

Quasimodo running down the street chased by 20 kids he shouts fuck off i aint got your fuckin soccer ball.

A doctor is examining a girl of admirable proportions. holding his stethoscope up to her chest he says ok big breaths
Yeth says the girl and im only sixtheen.

whats the difference between an australian wedding and an australian funeral?
once less drunk

How do you make a bear cross?
just nail 2 bears together.

What did the buddhist say to the hotdog seller?
make me one with everything

What weighs 8lbs and won't be plucked next christmas?
John Denvers guitar

a czechoslovakian man feels his eye sight is getting worse, and visits an optician. he sits in the chair and the optician points at the bottom line of the eye test: CZYFHRGRV.
can you read this asks the doctor.
read it? says the czech. doc i know the guy!

where would you find OJ Simpson's website on the internet?
Slash Slash Backslash Escape

Whats the difference between your penis and your bonus?
your wife will always blow your bonus.

 

[Philbert]

Ah, but this thread was started long before the members only section even exsisted.

You are correct, sir, and I should have read the dates more carefully.
I will neg rep myself!

I will contribute...


A guy picked up a cute, very young blonde teenager, and had gotten her to come home with him.
After some sweaty sex, he turned to her and asked, "Am I your first?"
She looked carefully at his face, and replied,"You could be. You look familiar."


2)
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man
(about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said , "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...I just lost it.

 

[rubrenus]

Another golf joke - sort of.

A guy walks up into the clubhouse after playing 18 holes. It's a hot day and he's sweating so he dives into the showers. There's a black guy in there taking a shower and our man cannot help noticing the size of the black guy's dick. After a while the black guy sees him staring and asks "Hey man, what you lookin' at?"
"Sorry, but I can't help thinking how come you black guys are so well hung."
"Well we got this system see, when we go to bed at night we have a hole in de bed, and we tie a string round the old man and hang a brick on the end. We do this until he's as long as we want".
"Hey, thanks for the tip. I'll give that a try".
A couple of weeks later our man is going out onto the green when he passes the black guy coming in. The black guy recognises him and asks "Hey man, how you doin' wid de treatment?"
"Great, " he answers, "It's turned black already!"

 

[bigmac]

Steve owns a company and is downsizing by 1 person, he narrows it down to two people, Maria and Jack but can't decide which one he wants to let go so he decides he'll stand so he can see whichever of the two goes to the water cooler first.
Maria walks into work suffering from a hangover and thinks some cool water will stop her head from spinning so she goes to the water cooler and Steve steps up.
Steve explains, "Maria, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you, or Jack off."
Maria replies, "Could you just jack off? I feel like shit!"

 

[Philbert]

An Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding,
meets with their rabbi for counseling.
The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with
men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always
dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!," replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) within
marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man?

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"It could lead to dancing!"

 

[Philbert]

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How
are things going?"

"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has
been cold, wet and damp, and there aren't any
flowers, so I can't make honey."

"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down 5
blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all
the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there
are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."

"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and flew
away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other
again.

The first bee asked, "How'd it go?"

"Great!" said the second bee. It was everything you
said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and,
oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table."

"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first
bee.

"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't
want them to think I was a wasp."

 

[Philbert]

State Mental Health Center Automated Phone Menu


Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Health Center. Please
select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay
on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to
the MotherShip.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before
the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too
busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan,
lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

 

[nastyfalcon]

A blond teenager comes home from school one day and says: "Mom, my friend Chrissy said that babies come out of the same hole guys stick their dick into, is that true?"

"Yes" her mother replied.

"oh", said the teen with a woried look, "Does that mean when the baby comes it'll break out my teeth?" :1orglaugh :nanner:

 

[nastyfalcon]

Ok I was extreamly tired the other night and I didn't tell it right, so here goes:

A blond teenager comes home from school one day and says: "Mom, my friend Chrissy said that babies come out of the same hole guys stick their dick into, is that true?"

"Yes" her mother replied, taking reliefe in the fact that her daughter must be living a clean life since she knew so little about sexual intercorse.

"oh", said the teen with a woried look, "Does that mean when the baby comes it'll break out my teeth?"

At this point the mother fainted...:rofl: