Official Dirty Joke Thread

[nastyfalcon]

Semen stains

A blonde, a brunette and a red head are in the copy room
of their office building when the red head goes over to
the corner of the room.

She stands with a puzzled look on her face for a second
then says 'This looks like a semen stain'.

The brunette walks over to look as well as touch the
stain. She says 'Looks and feels like semen.'

The blonde comes over, looks at, touches, then tastes
the stain. She says 'looks like it, feels like it and
tastes like it, but it's not from any man in this
office.'

 

[Iamforever]

not sick, but fucked up


have you ever seen stevie wonder's mansion?






neither has he!

 

[nastyfalcon]

Q: What's the definition of oral sex?
A: The taste of things to come.

 

[nastyfalcon]

Class grade book

Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. It
looked so realistic, that when Miss Baker saw the fly
sitting on the notebook, she slammed it with a ruler.
The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the book once
again, again the fly didn't fly away.

This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to
pound the book with the ruler and, as a result, the
grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper.
With the class laughing, she realized what had
happened. Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's
father to school.

"You see what your son did to our class grade book?"
she said.

"That's nothing." replied the father. "Last month,
he drew a naked woman on a fence and for two weeks
straight I was pulling splinters out of my dick."

 

[Legzman]

Politicians are like diapers and should be changed frequently for the same reason!

 

[nastyfalcon]

Domain names

Attn: Entrepeneurs


Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a
business in todays world you need a domain name. It
is advisable to look at the domain name selected as
other see it and not just as you think it looks.
Failure to do this may result in situations such as
the following (legitimate) companies who deal in
everyday humdrum products and services but clearly
didnt give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called Who Represents where you can find
the name of the agent that represents a celebrity:
- www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where progra
mmers can exchange advice and views at:
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island
at:
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at:
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, theres the Italian Power Generator
company:
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery,
based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If youre looking for computer software, theres
always:
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their
website is:
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, theres these brainless art designers,
and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure
website at:
www.gotahoe.com

 

[nastyfalcon]

Not dirty, but funny

It’s funny, but it’s true

Iraqi Spies

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they
had successfully slipped into the U.S.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy
shushes him quickly and whispers: "Don't blow our cover.
You're in America now. Speak Spanish."



Forgot anniversary

Loving Husband Dave was in trouble. He forgot his wedding
anniversary. His wife was really mad.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift
in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND
IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When
his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure
enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle
of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and
ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the
house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

 

[void_expression]

Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!

Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again-this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf, " says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away!

About two miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost?
I'm trying to take a shit!"

 

[void_expression]

All Alone

A school teacher started his first job at a primary school and was eager to make a good impression on the kids. So, when he noticed a boy standing all by himself during recess, while the other kids were playing a game of soccer, he walked up to him and asked "Are you alright ?"

The boy assured him everything was fine and the teacher left it at that. A few minutes later, however, he noticed that the boy was still standing alone and had not joined the other boys.

Deciding to find out what was wrong this time, the teacher approached him again and said, " Hi, are you sure you're not feeling left out? Would you like me to be your friend ?"

The boy obviously felt a little embarrassed, but after a little hesitation said, "Maybe". Encouraged by his progress, the teacher asked, "Tell me, why are you standing here alone?"

"Because", the boy said with clear exasperation in his voice. "I am the goalie"

 

[void_expression]

Job Application

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

 

[tunsty]

Hey everyone...

I just found out that a distant relative of mine invented the rear view mirror.

..and he's never looked back since.

 

[dreamstar72]

Hi new here hope I posted correctly, anyways below are two fairly good jokes.

I remember the time I name my dog 'SEX' and the problems it caused:

When people buy a dog, they usually name him something like Rover or Bowser. Well I chose to name my dog "Sex". But lately Sex has been a little embarassing to me. I remember one day I took Sex to City Hall to get a license for him. I went up to the clerk and said , "I would like to have a license for Sex".
She smiled and said, "You don't need a license for sex, just make sure you practice safe sex."
"But you don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old."
She gave me this cold look and said, "I don't care about past experance, just get out of here and don't come back."
Then once they were auditioning dogs for a commercial on dog food. I took Sex to the studio to see if he would get the part. But suddenly Sex started to run off around the studio. I went after him, but the crew manager grabbed my arm and asked what I was doing here. I told him I was hoping to have Sex on TV. He called me a dirty pervert and threw me out the door.
One day Sex ran out on me in the middle of the night. I went around the neighbourhood looking for him. A cop came and asked what I was doing. I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up this Friday...



Problems associated with naming your dog 'Mypenis'.

01: Mypenis ate my homework.
02: Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
03: I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
04: Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
05: Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
06: I love giving Mypenis a bath.
07: Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
08: At night, I sleep with Mypenis is my hands.
09: Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
10: I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet, would you like to see a picture of it?
11: I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
12: Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
13: I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
14: Mypenis got out last night. I think went to sleep with the lady next door.
15: Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
16: Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
17: Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
18: When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.
19: When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown.
20: Mypenis is truly man's best friend.
21: Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease.
22: People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when standing at attention.
23: There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis.
24: Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.
25: Excuse me officer, but I do have a muzzle for Mypenis.

 

[Diamond]

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nudist beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mum and says, "Mummy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mum says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"

The little boy goes back and plays on the beach.

Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mummy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddys!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

The little boy goes back and plays on the beach.

Several minutes later he comes running back and says, 'Mummy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

 

[Diamond]

Not 'dirty', but....

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in economy
Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde passenger that she's paid for Economy,
and that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot
and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First
Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that
because she only paid for Economy, she is only entitled to an
Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, Im blonde, I'm beautiful, I' m going to
Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use
and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to
arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?'
'I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says,
"Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her
seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him
what he said to make her move without any fuss. The pilot replied,
"I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

 

[CaDDaFy]

Bill & Ben (The Flower Pot Men) In bed bill says bibble bobble bibble, ben says swallow it ya mard twat.

Two Dogs walking Together one says to the other, ya know when ya walk round the block with all these other fuckin dogs
d,ya where any protection ,tuther says Du U Rex


The Unluckiest people in the world!!!

A man was drowning at sea, a boat picked him up, the Titanic, he got washed & changed and back down he went

A man bought a box of after 8 mints and died at 7.30.

A little lad says to his dad, what will happen when me Tortoise dies.
, well we,ll get some ice cream & apple pies, soda, and have all ya friends around,dont you worry he says .

Carnt we kill it now dad.


A man walks in a pub staggerin pissed up, he gets in and says all yous on that side > are a shower of ba,ba ,bastards he says, and all yous on that side < are a bunch of cunts, and this big Irish man stands up and says im no cunt,
Well get on that side with the bastards then .

 

[nastyfalcon]

American Football Move In Sex

Hike = Up the rear

Reverse = 69

Sack = Girl takes control and gets frisky

2pt. conversion = multiple orgasms

Prevent Defense = Condom/protection

Face Mask = guy pulls girl head down to blow him

Shotgun = Touchdown in a car

Two minute warning = Guy gives the girl a warning before
he blows his load.

Holding = Cuddling

Superbowl = Wedding or Prom night

Huddle = Multiple participants

Madden '99 = Cyber sex

Instant replay = When you tape the two of you having sex
Illegal

Use of the hands = Masturbation

Ball Hog = Slut

Onside Kick = Making up after a fight

Double Header = Two mates in the same night

Tight End = Virgin

Wide Receiver = Girl that's loose

False Start = Guy/Girl gets shut down (denied)

Pass Interference = Some stupid kid interrupts before you
can get some

Fumble = cheating (problem in the relationship)

Putting it through the uprights = self explanatory

Special Teams = Prostitute/Gigolo

Unsportsmanlike Conduct = Bragging to your friends about
your activities

Double Coverage = Two condoms

 

[obiwan]

A man loses his job and, after realising he doesn't have enough cash to make ends meet, he decides to send his wife out on the game.
When she gets back at the end of her first night, he asks "So how much did you make?"
"$150 and five cents" she replies.
"Which mean bastard gave you five cents?!?" asks the husband.
"All of them"

 

[Big Sly]

killer jokes guys! Nastyfalcon you got a million of 'em. I got a couple:


So Jesus and Moses are playing golf on a beautiful September afternoon. They are on a Par 4; both of them are on their 2nd stroke in the middle of the fairway. There is a large water hazard which separates them from the hole. Moses chooses the 9 iron in hopes that he will chip the ball over the hazard and on to the green. Unfortunately for him, his ball lands right in the hazard. Moses looks at Jesus and says, "Could you be a dear and get that for me?"

 

[Big Sly]

Here's an alternate ending on the Jesus/Moses golf joke:

So Jesus and Moses are playing golf on a beautiful September afternoon. They are on a Par 4; both of them are on their 2nd stroke in the middle of the fairway. There is a large water hazard which separates them from the hole. Moses chooses the 9 iron in hopes that he will chip the ball over the hazard and on to the green. Unfortunately for him, his ball lands right in the hazard.

"DAMN IT!" exclaimed Moses. He parts the hazard and gets his ball back.

Now it was Jesus' turn. He looks at his bag of clubs and says to himself, "Hmmmm what would Tiger use? Ahhh the 9 iron!" Moses looks at him and says, "You do know that I just used the 9 iron and failed miserably right?" to which Jesus replies, "No no no this is what Tiger would use." Jesus hits the ball but, like Moses, he was miserably unsuccessful. No big deal though; he just walked out and got the ball.

While Jesus was retreiving his ball there was a couple of guys behind them who went up to Moses and asked, "Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?" to which Moses replies, "(sigh) No he thinks he's Tiger Woods!"

 

[Big Sly]

Another golf/religious joke:

(Notice I always feel compelled to start the joke with the word "so")

So a man walks into his church for confession one Sunday morning. He sits down and the preist asks him, "What do you have to confess this week my son?" The man, uneasy, says, "Well, I used the ummm... the "F-bomb" yesterday on the golf course." The priest says to the man, "I play golf myself so I know how frustrating it can be. Please tell me what happened." So the man, who felt somewhat comforted by the priest's kind words of understanding, told him of his experience:

"Well I was on a par 5 with a huge dogleg and 3 water hazards and..." the man said before the preist interrupted. "Oh Shady Acres! That's a tough hole. Continue." The man continued. "I hit a beautiful shot that would have been perfect if the wind hadn't picked up and blew my ball into the deep rough." The preist said, "That's a tough break." The man replied, "Oh no that's not when I swore. Because after that shot, I hit the ball clear onto the fairway just past the third water hazard!" The priest, confused, said, "So when did you curse?" The man said, "Well, I'm getting to that. My third shot went straight towards the green when all of a sudden it fell short and rolled directly into the sand trap." "Oh man that is awful," said the priest. "Well that was fine," said the man, "because my fourth shot went onto the green and landed no more than an inch from the hole."

The preist thought a minute...


"DON'T TELL ME YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUTT?!!!"