Official Dirty Joke Thread

[nastyfalcon]

We know you got'em, so post'em

Let me star off with these two:

A fifth grade teacher is told she must teach sex education to her class. She decides to use a math technique to teach the subject, and thinks flash cards will work well.

The next day in class, she holds up the first flash card, a picture of a breast, and asks, "Does anyone know what this is?"

Sandy responds, "I know, I know! It's a picture of a breast and my Mommy
has two of them!"

The teacher says, "Very good Sandy, you get a star for the exercise."

The teacher grabs the next card and holds it up. It's a picture of a penis. She asks, "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Johnny says, "I know, I know! It's a penis and my Daddy has two of them!!"

The teacher says, "Well, Johnny, it is a penis, but your daddy can't have two of them.

Johnny says, "Sure he does, he's got a little one he pees out of and a great big one he brushes Mommy's teeth with!"

____________________________________________________

BLOW JOBS - WHAT A GIRL HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT


1 First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2 Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3 I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4 Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5 My ears are NOT handles.

6 Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7 I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8 Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9 Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone.

10 If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11 Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12 If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13 No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about
the protein content.

14 No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15 When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16 Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."


BLOW JOBS - WHAT A MAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT


1 First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2 Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier
than licking a dead fish.

3 You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4 I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5 When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

6 Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.

7 You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8 At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9 Play with the balls.

10 No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11 Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12 Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."

13 If you swallow, then you don't have to worry abo ut getting any on your face, now will you?



:jump:

 

[dmc074]

Very Funny!!!!
K, here are a few..
A man went to a cafe and ordered some soup. Half way through, he dropped his spoon .When the waiter came around to see if everything was ok, the man told him he needed a new spoon. So the waiter pulled one out if his pouch.
The man asked, "I was just wondering, why do you keep spoons in your pouch?"
The waiter answered, "To save time."
So the man went on eating his soup.
After about 15 minutes, the waiter came by to see if everything was ok. The man said everything was delicious. He noticed that a string was hanging out of the waiters pants, so he asked, "I was just wondering, why do you have a string hanging out of your zipper?"
The waiter answered, "It saves time so that we don't have to wash our hands."
Then the man asked, "But don't you have to touch the doorknob to the bathroom?"
The waiter said, "I don't know about the other guys, but I just use the spoon ."

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

 

[Famousbabes]

I'll read all that later. I'm sure it's funny.

 

[nastyfalcon]

hmm, I'm surprised this thread hasn't taken off

Good ones dmc

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

 

[dmc074]

was thinking the same thing NastyFalcon, it hasnt done anything! Weird!

 

[nastyfalcon]

Ok, this is my last attempt to get this thread going.


A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her.

They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try.

The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."

 

[blobra]

what do you call a girl with pigtails?






























A blow job with handles.

 

[dzeeartoh]

Whats the difference between snow-men and snow-women?















snow-balls!



sorry

 

[Geyser]

hehe great jokes guys. Heres one.

There is this guy who has a 25 inch penis. Its great, but the women think its too big to handle. So he sees a witch doctor. Tells him the whole deal. The witch doctor looks at it. "I can't help you on that. But i think i know what might will. Follow the river till you see a star shaped boulder. Take that left path straight till you see a tree stump. On that tree stump, there will be a frog. Ask her to marry you and it should shrink your penis by 5 inches."
Bull! He thinks to himself. But curious, he follows the path. All of sudden theres the star shaped boulder, what? he thinks to himself. walks further till he sees the frog on the tree stump. No way! He thinks to himself.
Speaks up "Will you marry me," he says to the frog. "No!" replies the frog. so he leaves as seeing nothing happened walks pissed and goes home. Wakes up in the morning, in shock that his penis shrunk 5 inches. He still thinks 20 inches is still too big.
Excited runs back to the frog later that night, "will you marry me," he says to the frog. "No!!" heads back home and goes to sleep. Wakes up in the morning to see that it shrunk another 5 inches. but 15 inches is still too big. One more time shouldnt hurt.
Runs to the frog later that night. "Will you marry me," says to the frog. The frog turns around furiously "How many times am i gonna tell you, No! No!! NO!!!"

 

[Scorpion]

What do you call a blonde lesbian?

A damn shame.

 

[astle]

a black haired a redhead and a blonde have just escaped from a prison, as they were being chased by armed gaurds they saw a barn so they decided to take shelter inside there was no hiding place except for three sack so they dived inside one each as the gaurds entered they noticed the three sacks so the gaurds kicked the black haireds sack so she shouted meooww so the gaurds said it must be a cat next they kicked the redheads sack and she cried woof woof so the gaurds said oh it must be a dogso they lastly kicked the blondes sack and she cried out potato

 

[AngelOfDeath]

John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."

John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"

Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."

John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"

Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."

John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."
:1orglaugh


Q: What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?

A: A whore screws everyone, a bitch screws everyone except you.:thumbsup:

 

[Red Spyder]

Q: What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?

A: A whore screws everyone, a bitch screws everyone except you.:thumbsup:

That means I've met a lot of bitches all my life.

Anyway my lousy contribution:

3 newborn babies are in the hospital's nursery. The baby in the middle turns to the baby on the left and asks "what are you?" The baby on the left responds: "I'm a boy" So the baby in the middle asks "how do you know you're a boy?" The boy baby responds "because when I was conceived my daddy was on top and my mommy was on the bottom" So the baby in the middle turns to the baby on the right and asks "what are you?" that baby responds "I'm a girl" So again the baby asks "how do you know you're a girl?" And the baby girls responds "because when I was conceived my mommy was on top and my daddy was on the bottom". So the baby thinks for a bit and then starts crying really loud. The other babies ask "what's wrong? why are you crying?" and the baby responds "because I just realized I'm a puppy!!"

A man goes to the doctor for a check up. The doctor notices that the guy's schlong is bright orange. So the doctor curious asks "are you a painter, sir?" The guys says "no, doctor, I'm not a painter". The doctor thinks something is wrong so he asks "do you work in a nuclear power plant?" the guy responds "no, doctor, I don't" So the doctor asks "do you work with chemicals?" the guy says "no, I don't" So the doctor finally asks, "so what do you do for a living?" The guy responds "I'm unemployed and I spend all day long watching porno movies and eating cheetos."

What did the blind guy say when he walked by the fish store?

"Good morning, girls!"

 

[Michelle_Akemi]

Dirty Jokes.

A red neck has sex with his sister. Afterwards, she says, "You **** a lot better than daddy does." "I should, mommy taught everything I know"

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She gagged.

It's the day after Christmas and two kids are comparing notes about what they'd gotten. The first kid says "What'd you get?" The second kid replies, "Man, I made out! I got Power Rangers stuff, Nintendo, a new bike, a Walkie -Talkie set, a stereo, and a whole lot more! What'd you get?" "Ah, I just got a baseball glove and bat," says the first kid. "Wow, that's pretty rough," says the second kid. The first kid says, "Yeah, well I'm not dying of cancer."

A guy's screwing this girl and she says, "Excuse me, but isn't it a presumptuous to assume you can screw me on our first date? "Well, yeah" the man replies, "But isn't PRESUMPTUOUS a big word for a first grader to be using?"

An eighteen year old is sucking on the breast of a 90 year old woman when he notices a white milky substance coming from her breast. He says to her, "Hey, aren't you a bit old to have milk in your breasts?" She replies, "Yeah Sonny, but I'm not to old for breasts cancer!"

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

Two men are talking at work and one says, "The reason Paul isn't at work today is that he's home sick from a hangover. He was blowing chunks all last night." The other man says, "He stayed home just because he was blowing chunks all night?" "You don't understand" the first man replied... "Chunks is his dog!"

What's better then winning the Gold at the Special Olympics?
Walking.

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt an said "you know, if you'd firm this up, we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of tolerable, she thought herself better and responded with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on her breast and said, "You know, if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra. "This was beyond the silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "you know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother!"

The Pope and a Bishop were seated next to each other on an airplane, the Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. He leaned over to the Bishop and asked, "Excuse me, can you think of a four letter word that ends with "N-T" that describes a female relative? The Bishop thinks for a second and replies, "Why yes, A-U-N-T!"
"Ahhhh! Thank you!" the Pope responded. "Do you have an eraser I could borrow?"

A man comes home drunk one night and so he doesn't get into too much trouble he decides to orally satisfy his wife. He goes under the covers and does the deed. Afterwards, he decides to wash the unpleasant taste from his mouth and goes to the bathroom. Sitting on the toilet seat is his wife. "How the hell did you beat me into the bathroom?" He asks amazed. "SHHHH!" She replied "Quiet, you'll wake mother. She's spending the night!"

A man walks into a restaurant and sees on the menu:
Ham Sandwich................... $2.00
Turkey Sandwich................ $2.00
Hand Jobs........................ $10.00
He says to the waitress, "Are you the waitress that gives the hand jobs?"
"Why, yes I am sir!" she replied.
"Then GO WASH YOUR HANDS!" he replied. "I want a ham sandwich!"

What does a tight rope walker and a man getting oral sex from a 90 year old woman gave in common? Neither look down.

A couple has been married for 50 years and are celebrating their anniversary. The wife asks what the husband wants for their anniversary and he replies, "I would like you to perform oral sex on me. In the 50 years we have married NEVER have you ONCE done this to me."

She replies, "It's just that I'm afraid that you won't respect me afterwards."
"Won't respect you afterwards! he yells, we have been married for 50 years for Christ sakes!"

"OK! OK! I'll do it just this one time!" She then bends down and gives him oral sex until he has an orgasm in her mouth. Immediately afterwards she runs to the bathroom. The phone rings next to the bed and he picks it up. He then yells to his wife, "Hey Cock sucker! it's for you!"

A woman wants to have surgery to have her vagina tightened and tucked for her husband as an anniversary gift. She tells the surgeon that NOBODY must know about the operation. It must be kept a secret! The surgeon agrees and after the operation he stops by to visit the patient. She is furious and yells, "I thought this operation was supposed to be a secret! THERE ARE THREE SETS OF FLOWERS ON MY DRESSER!"
"Take it easy" the Doctor says. The first set are from me and the second set are from the Anesthesiologist."
"Well, how about the third set?" She asks.
The Doctor goes over and looks at the card. "Ah! They are from the little kid in the burn ward thanking you for the new ears."

A boy comes home from school and his mother asks him what he did in school today. "I had sex with my teacher!" the boy relied. "YOU WHAT?" the mother screamed. "You just wait until your father gets home, young man! Now get upstairs to your room!" Later that evening the father comes home and is told about his sons escapades at school that day. He goes into his sons room and puts his arm around the boy. "Son", he says, "I suppose I should be mad at you but I just can't help but be proud of you. I mean, what I wouldn't have given to do that at your age! In fact, I'm so proud I'm going to buy you a new bike! How's that?" The boy replies, "Gee, thanks anyway Dad but my butt is still kind of sore from school."


A black couple is having breakfast in a diner. The husband looks across the table at his wife and says, "Pass the sugar, Sugar." So a Jewish couple is sitting next to them. The husband overhears that and looks across the table at his wife and says, "Pass the honey, Honey." So a Polish couple is sitting next to them. The husband overhears that and
looks across the table at his wife and says, "Pass the bacon, you fat pig."

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We havespecial requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it.""Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, wereyou able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,"the young man replied sadly. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know," said the young man, "we're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."

Why do pedophiles love Halloween?
Free delivery.

 

[ChrisSimms#2]

Re: Dirty Jokes.

lol good ones

 

[om3ga]

Re: Dirty Jokes.

You may appreciate this:

http://board.freeones.com/showthread.php?t=1084&highlight=jokes

 

[Tgunz262]

Re: Dirty Jokes.

What's better then winning the Gold at the Special Olympics?
Walking.

I've heard that one with a slightly different answer:

What's better then winning the Gold at the Special Olympics?
>Not being retarded.

 

[juballs]

Re: Dirty Jokes.

ya... many joke threads out there.... good additions

 

[4G63]

Re: Dirty Jokes.

ya... many joke threads out there.... good additions

i mean, not links to funny jokes, i want to hear jokes that you have heard personally and remember.
i searched... couldnt find a thread in the first 3 pages, but there is probably one out there....

Apparently the results you wanted where on the fourth page. And the irony is funny too.

 

[bigmac]

A truckdriver with a parrot is driving with a load of live chickens in the back of the truck on the highway, when he sees a hot blond on the side of the road. The Truckdriver asks the girl if she needs help and the girl asks for a ride as far as he's going, the truckdriver explains, "I'll give you a ride, but you've got to fuck me..." The blond says no, and the driver responds "No Fuck, No Ride.." And drives off. The parrot starts repeating what he said and keeps saying "NO FUCK NO RIDE!! NO FUCK NO RIDE!!" So the guy drives further down the road and spots a brunette with car troubles and the guy asks if she needs help. The brunette says she just needs a lift to the local garage so someone can pick up her car and have it towed in for service. Again the driver explains that to get a ride, she has to fuck him. The brunette says no, and the driver says, "Well, your choice.. No fuck, no ride". Now as he's driving down the road the parrot just won't shut up, "NO FUCK NO RIDE!! NO FUCK NO RIDE!! NO FUCK NO RIDE!!" Finally, the truckdriver puts the parrot in the back of the truck with the chickens.
About 20 miles down the road, the driver looks in his mirror and see's a police car behind him with it's lights on and he's being pulled over. He thinks he's been turned in by the blond and the brunette. The cop gets to the drivers side and explains. "Sir, the reason I pulled you over is you have this parrot on the back of your truck kicking off live chickens yelling, "NO FUCK NO RIDE!! NO FUCK NO RIDE!!"