My thoughts just prior to neg repping you, now that you've decided to bring it out into the public arena.
I need a GOOD JOKE!
- Thread starter The perfect 1
- Start date
habo9
Banned
A burglar breaks into a house and is quietly and expertly collecting valuables in his bag when he hears a voice: “Jesus is watching you.”
Startled he looks around the room but there doesn’t seem to be anyone there, so he carries on stashing the valuables into his bag.
Then he hears the voice again: “Jesus is watching you.”
He looks around the room again, only this time more thoroughly, and he spies a parrot in a cage.
He walks over to the cage and says: “My, my, a talking parrot. Are you Jesus then?”
“No” replies the bird, “I’m Moses.”
The thief is most amused: “What sort of people would call their parrot Moses?” he asks, barely suppressing a laugh.
“The same people that call a Rottweiler Jesus!” replies the parrot.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Bush,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“The Pope,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says,”This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has passed out and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw – you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?”
Startled he looks around the room but there doesn’t seem to be anyone there, so he carries on stashing the valuables into his bag.
Then he hears the voice again: “Jesus is watching you.”
He looks around the room again, only this time more thoroughly, and he spies a parrot in a cage.
He walks over to the cage and says: “My, my, a talking parrot. Are you Jesus then?”
“No” replies the bird, “I’m Moses.”
The thief is most amused: “What sort of people would call their parrot Moses?” he asks, barely suppressing a laugh.
“The same people that call a Rottweiler Jesus!” replies the parrot.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Bush,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“The Pope,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says,”This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has passed out and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw – you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?”
A husband and wife are at the zoo. The wife is wearing a low cut shirt and tight pants. As they pass the gorilla cage the ape goes wild and shows signs of attraction towards the wife. The husband says "Honey shake your ass for him." She does and the ape begins pounding on the bars in a horny rage. Laughing, the husband says "Show him your breasts." She does and the ape gets even more wild. Then the husband says "Show him your bush." She pulls her pants down to her ankles and show the ape the works. Suddenly the husband opens the cage door and shoves his wife in and yells "NOW TELL HIM YOU HAVE A FUCKING HEADACHE!"
Hey, that's your right, man. I just wonder if you dropped Neg rep on all the Mexican and Haitian jokes...or Boothbabe's bible post full of "faggot" comments. I hope not, it seems like it would be a shitty life constantly feeling offended by humor and feeling the need to correct peoples' sense of it.
Reciting an OLD joke on a JOKE thread is now shunned. Genius.
Ace Bandage
The one and only.
Most people in Chile used to play the game Super Mario. Now they've moved on to something a bit more adventurous, Quake 4.
_____
I won at Chile bingo tonight.
8.8 was the winning number
It brought the house down.
_____
I won at Chile bingo tonight.
8.8 was the winning number
It brought the house down.
:thumbsup: where do people get these jokes!?
HAHAHAHAHAHA!! :bowdown:
habo9
Banned
If you liked them try this thread
http://board.freeones.com/showthread.php?t=385148
And theres another thread you can get to , its got 90 odd pages
Here's another one:
A truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops and asks "What are you doing?" "I'm trying to commit suicide." was the reply. "Well before you jump, give me a blowjob." the trucker says. So the trucker gets his blowjob and after he cums he says "Wow! That's a wasted talent you have there. Why are you committing suicide anyway?" The jumper says "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl!":rofl:
A truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops and asks "What are you doing?" "I'm trying to commit suicide." was the reply. "Well before you jump, give me a blowjob." the trucker says. So the trucker gets his blowjob and after he cums he says "Wow! That's a wasted talent you have there. Why are you committing suicide anyway?" The jumper says "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl!":rofl:
Ace Bandage
The one and only.
Q: You know what's better than winning the gold medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not having Down Syndrome...
:hatsoff:
A: Not having Down Syndrome...
:hatsoff:
One last one:
Ethel was a speed demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed down the long halls. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and even joined in. One day Ethel was speeding up a hallway when Kooky Klarence opened the door and said "STOP! Do you have a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her purse and handed him a kit kat bar wrapper. "Ok." he said and Ethel sped away. As she took the corner Weird Harold popped out in front of her and said "Proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her purse, pulled out a drink coaster and showed it to him. Harold nodded and let her go. As Ethel neared the end of the hallway Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her butt naked and holding his cock in his hand. "Oh good grief yelled Ethel. "Not that DAMN breathalyzer test again!":rofl2:
Ethel was a speed demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed down the long halls. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and even joined in. One day Ethel was speeding up a hallway when Kooky Klarence opened the door and said "STOP! Do you have a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her purse and handed him a kit kat bar wrapper. "Ok." he said and Ethel sped away. As she took the corner Weird Harold popped out in front of her and said "Proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her purse, pulled out a drink coaster and showed it to him. Harold nodded and let her go. As Ethel neared the end of the hallway Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her butt naked and holding his cock in his hand. "Oh good grief yelled Ethel. "Not that DAMN breathalyzer test again!":rofl2:
Yep, take a look in your pants! :1orglaugh
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.
habo9
Banned
Lol that wouldnt suprise me if that was true :rofl:
I mind Oasis played Glasgow Green and everyone in the crowd started singing Liams wifes a slapper(P K) lol he didnt like it and stormed off , then Noel was begging everyone to stop singing "Liams wifes a slapper" or Liam wouldnt come back out , so the crowd were shouting back "yes" and you could see Noel found it hilarious!!
Liam came out swaggering again as if " I showed them" so everyone started singing "Your shit and you know you are" and "Liams a wanker" pure class and Noel was laughing like fuck all the way through it
One of the funniest things Ive ever seen at a gig , the crowd showed him up and he didnt like it , but thats what he gets for thinking he was a smart arse :rofl:
habo9
Banned
I'd just moved into my new house when I noticed the blonde painting next door.
I went over to help whilst she went to shop for more supplies.
While she was away I ran upstairs to have a quick look at her underwear, well it was amazing, a huge dildo, anal beads, you name it, it was there.
So after a quick lick, sniff and wank I rushed to finish the work.
On her return she smiled and gave me a hug. I asked her what that was for and she said ......
"My Nan will be so happy"
I went over to help whilst she went to shop for more supplies.
While she was away I ran upstairs to have a quick look at her underwear, well it was amazing, a huge dildo, anal beads, you name it, it was there.
So after a quick lick, sniff and wank I rushed to finish the work.
On her return she smiled and gave me a hug. I asked her what that was for and she said ......
"My Nan will be so happy"
Ace Boobtoucher
Founder and Captain of the Douchepatrol
funniest joke I've seen all day.
