I need a GOOD JOKE!
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Keep em' COMING PEOPLE!! they have GREAT JOKES!!
PlasmaTwa2
The Second-Hottest Man in my Mother's Basement
An old man and a young boy are walking through a dark and creepy forest.
"This forest is really scary," Says the young boy.
"Hey, imagine how I feel," Says the old man, "I have to walk back alone."
"This forest is really scary," Says the young boy.
"Hey, imagine how I feel," Says the old man, "I have to walk back alone."
One arm butlers. They can take it but they can’t dish it out.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
When I left home my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, That's unlikely. It's a basic skill isn't it....
"I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.''
The price of hearing aids has gone up. Deaf people across the country are going "how much?"
I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are."
I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said "It depends where you're calling from."
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you silly cow!"
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow. I said "How about Another 48 hours?" , he said "Tomorrow!!"
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
When I left home my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, That's unlikely. It's a basic skill isn't it....
"I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.''
The price of hearing aids has gone up. Deaf people across the country are going "how much?"
I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are."
I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said "It depends where you're calling from."
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you silly cow!"
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow. I said "How about Another 48 hours?" , he said "Tomorrow!!"
A Dutchman, a German, a nun and a pretty girl wearing a short skirt and an ample bossom sit in a train compartment. Somewhere along the line, the train enters a tunnel. The light of the compartment doesn't work, so it's pitch-dark. Suddenly there's the sound of a loud smack and when the train leaves the tunnel, the German rubs his face with a painful look in his eyes.
"Serves him right", the nun thinks to herself, "That German obviously tried to grope that girl and she hit him in return!"
"Serves him right", the pretty girl thinks, "thaty German obviously tried to touch me, accidently touched the nun, who then hit him in the face!"
"Scheisse", the German thinks, "that Dutchman has obviously tried to touch the pretty girl, but accidently groped the nun who wasn't too pleased with that. She tried to hit him, but he realised that, ducked and I got hit instead!"
And the Dutchman thinks: "In the next tunnel I'll hit that German straight in the face again!"
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Friendship
Friendship between women:
A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she tells her husband that she stayed with a girlfriend. The husband calls her 10 best friends, but none of them confirm her story.
Friendship between men:
A guy doesn't come home at night. The next day he tells his wife that he stayed with a friend. The wife calls his 10 best friends. 8 confirm that he stayed there and 2 claim he's still at their place.
"Serves him right", the nun thinks to herself, "That German obviously tried to grope that girl and she hit him in return!"
"Serves him right", the pretty girl thinks, "thaty German obviously tried to touch me, accidently touched the nun, who then hit him in the face!"
"Scheisse", the German thinks, "that Dutchman has obviously tried to touch the pretty girl, but accidently groped the nun who wasn't too pleased with that. She tried to hit him, but he realised that, ducked and I got hit instead!"
And the Dutchman thinks: "In the next tunnel I'll hit that German straight in the face again!"
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Friendship
Friendship between women:
A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she tells her husband that she stayed with a girlfriend. The husband calls her 10 best friends, but none of them confirm her story.
Friendship between men:
A guy doesn't come home at night. The next day he tells his wife that he stayed with a friend. The wife calls his 10 best friends. 8 confirm that he stayed there and 2 claim he's still at their place.
A man dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I lead a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.
Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?
Man: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.
Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?
Man: Sure, I love to drink.
Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?
Man: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?
Man: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.
Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?
Man: Yes, I love to gamble.
Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?
Man: Uhh...no.
Counselor: Oh , you're gonna hate Fridays...
Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?
Man: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.
Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?
Man: Sure, I love to drink.
Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?
Man: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?
Man: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.
Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?
Man: Yes, I love to gamble.
Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?
Man: Uhh...no.
Counselor: Oh , you're gonna hate Fridays...
HAHAHAHA! NICE ONE!!! :thumbsup:
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives of heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some varient.
One student however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.
I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume of Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase untill all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop untill Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms.Banyan during my freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and we take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true.
Thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
The student recieved the only "A" given.
Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives of heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some varient.
One student however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.
I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume of Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase untill all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop untill Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms.Banyan during my freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and we take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true.
Thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
The student recieved the only "A" given.
Joe has a broken leg.
Mike comes over and asks, "How you doin', Joe?"
Joe says "Do me a favor and run upstairs and get my slippers."
Mike goes upstairs and sees Joe's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters.
Mike says "Your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
One girl replies "No way. Prove it."
Mike shouts downstairs "Hey Joe, both of 'em?"
Joe shouts back "Of course, both of them! What's the point of just fuckin' one?"
Mike comes over and asks, "How you doin', Joe?"
Joe says "Do me a favor and run upstairs and get my slippers."
Mike goes upstairs and sees Joe's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters.
Mike says "Your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
One girl replies "No way. Prove it."
Mike shouts downstairs "Hey Joe, both of 'em?"
Joe shouts back "Of course, both of them! What's the point of just fuckin' one?"
KEEP EM' COMING! :glugglug:
habo9
Banned
What do you call an Ethiopian with his eye hanging out?
Swing Ball
What do you call an Ethiopian with a swollen toe?
A golf club
My mates girl left him the other day , she went for milk and never came back...
I seen him yesterday and asked him how he was coping
He replied fine the powdered stuffs ok
Swing Ball
What do you call an Ethiopian with a swollen toe?
A golf club
My mates girl left him the other day , she went for milk and never came back...
I seen him yesterday and asked him how he was coping
He replied fine the powdered stuffs ok
Last edited by a moderator:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! :scream: great jokes really!
A sheriff sees a cowboy walking down the street with nothing on but a cowboy hat, a gun, and boots.
He arrests him for indecent exposure.
The sheriff asks "Why are you walking around like this?"
The cowboy says
This pretty redhead asks me to go home with her.
We go inside and she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.
Then she pulls off her panties and I pull off my shorts.
Then she gets on the bed and says "Now go to town, cowboy!"
So here I am!
He arrests him for indecent exposure.
The sheriff asks "Why are you walking around like this?"
The cowboy says
This pretty redhead asks me to go home with her.
We go inside and she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.
Then she pulls off her panties and I pull off my shorts.
Then she gets on the bed and says "Now go to town, cowboy!"
So here I am!
