Squirrel World News

[tunsty]

Garden Gnomes Causing Rifts In The Space / Time Continuum - Claims Window Salesman

A double glazing salesman claims to have proof that garden gnomes are affecting space and time.
"I'm pretty sure of it" said 18 year old Daniel Arsewart, from Cornwall.
"You see, I have to go in peoples houses and talk about windows and next thing, ZAP...next thing I know two hours has just, like, vanished"
An expert at Cambridge University agrees with the twat.."That bloke is spot on..them Gnomes are plain evil....EVIL!!"
whispered Bob Knockoff, an ageing busker who lives in a disused well on the campus.
Other, more serious scientists have dismissed the claims as 'The ramblings of a spotty teenage glue-sniffer"
But Mr Arsewart is not put off.. "I've seen some people look like their in some sort of trance, they go pale and then almost ******** ..even while I'm there...and there are always garden Gnomes around...think about it!"
Mr Arsewart plans to give a lecture on the subject to his mates 'Darren' , 'Jacko', Phil-the-stink' and 'Jim'...
He screamed, "I'll have to go now, I need some-more 'Happy stuff' from WH Smiths or me 'eads gonna blow"

 

[tunsty]

Beckham Completes Latest Book

Soccer star and part-time pheasant plucker, David Beckham, has completed his latest book and couldn't be happier..
"Yeah, it's taken me eight months, but I think it's my best yet" chirped the one-footed has-been.
The book, a colouring book entitled 'Mr Moneybags goes to Spain' has been anxiously anticipated by no-one.
He drawled.. "I did most of the colouring myself and got a bit of help from my ****"
Beckham hopes to sell the book to an unsuspecting japanese tourist..
"I don't think anyone here would buy it, but hopefully a *** will give me something for it..they'll buy any old crap"
Beckham's England teammates have been less than supportive though..
Sol Campbell, when asked, said " Colouring book!..what is he, a f*****g three year old or something?"
Meanwhile Gary Neville threw a dummy out of his pram as he cried.. "Bastard, he said he was going to let me colour a book"
England boss, Sven Goran Eriksson, refuses be drawn on the book.. "I will not allow my image to be used on any unauthorised clobber...anyway, I've seen David's drawings of me and they're shite" moaned the hard-up pansy.
Former strongman and flower arranger, Geoff Capes, has offered his services in tearing up the colouring book, spreading lemon curd on it and stuffing it up Beckham's arse.

 

[stek1983]

Snowmen Found on Mars

An Argentinian satellite, built in the U.S. by the Chinese that was launched in Germany over 28,000 years ago has picked up images of what appears to be snowmen on the surface of Mars.
It is believed that the snowmen were built during the 2nd World War by either Paris Hilton, Burt Reynolds or Des Lynam.
NASA are currently planning a mission to Mars to put scarfs on the snowmen as they are said to look rather cold, while there it is expected that astronauts will attempt to communicate with the snowmen through the art of dance.

 

[stek1983]

Real Madrid -vs- Arsenal Game Still Going On
We have just received word from a reliable source (an empty packet of pickled onion ******* munch) that the Champions League game between Real Madrid and Arsenal is still being played.
Despite Arsenal already being back in London, Real Madrid and their fans have not left the Bernabeu and the game is still being played. bizarrely the score is still 1-0 to Arsenal.
Arsenal came close to getting a 2nd when David Beckham handled the ball in the area and a penalty was awarded but because no Arsenal took too long to take the penalty a free-kick was awarded to Real Madrid.
The home team also had a penalty decision declined when Robinho went down in the area, who claimed he was tripped by Toure (who was just arriving at Heathrow airport at the time) the referee instead booked Robinho for diving.

 

[tunsty]

Dolphin Builds Spaceship

A bottlenosed dolphin called Colin, has built a spacecraft and hopes to make a visit to the moon.
"I quite fancy the idea, ever since I was little, I've wanted to see the moon up close" said Colin.
The spacecraft, made out of sea kelp, has taken Colin three years to build and he hopes to take off in the next few days.
"I got my inspiration from watching Wallace and Grommit..I mean, if a couple of plasticine figures can do it, then so can I"
He went on, "I've seen pictures of the moon and it looks great...I can't wait to have a swim in the sea of tranquility".
Colin has the backing of former Goodie, Bill Oddie, who has donated £3.34 and an autographed slice of bread, to the project.

 

[tunsty]

Aethist Group Has Prayers Answered

A group of aethists from Bournemouth are praising the heavens last night after a 'miracle'.
Group messiah, Bob Jeremiah, said..
"Of course we don't believe in any God, but I guess someone was looking down on us".
Events started around 4.15pm yesterday, when one of the group members lost their car keys..
"I tell you, we looked everywhere - upstairs, downstairs and in the lady's chamber, but we just couldn't find them" the nutter said.
He rattled on.. "We were just about to give up and sell our souls to Lucifer himself, when the member who lost them, suddenly remembered that she had left the keys in her car all along..it was truly a miracle"
Church leaders have blasted the group's claim, saying "It goes against all that we believe...leaving your keys in a car is just asking for trouble"
Meanwhile the member who lost and then found the keys has been sacrificed on a stone table to 'Gorblimee' - God of amazement.

 

[stek1983]

Toddler Arrested For Being a "Silly Billy"
3 year old, Jessie Hall has been arrested by police in Manchester, England and could be jailed for up to 8 years for being a silly billy.
Jessie was riding her bike in her garden when she ran the bike into a fence causing a total of £2 worth of damage.
Her parents Susan and Chris Hall phoned police soon after they discovered the damage but had to search for over 15 seconds to find Jessie who had fled the scene.
They found Jessie sat under the kitchen table with her hands over eyes saying "where's Jessie" to herself.
Jessie will be in court on Monday afternoon and could face anywhere between 3-8 years in jail.

 

[tunsty]

North Korea Bans Envelopes With The 'Little Window Bit'

North Korea has ****** envelopes with 'the little window bit' in them, says a bloke I met at the bus stop yesterday.
It is strongly believed by the North Koreans and small ******** with vivid imaginations, that 'American spies', disguised as the envelope contents, are using the windows as a means of spying on them.
Several letters and some gas bills have already been jailed and some junk mail has repotedly been publicly executed.
Some North Korean postmen have reported suspicious movements in their mail sacks, including one who stabbed his sack with a banana, believing it was full of spies.
An expert on the North Korean mail system, Bruce Forsyth, said "Didn't they do well...to ban those envelopes"
He went on "nice to see the post...to see the post nice.."

 

[tunsty]

Tony Blair Denies 'Passing The Time Of Day'

Prime minister Tony Blair has denied reports that he likes to 'pass the time of day'.
"I just want to take this opportunity to say that this sort of thing is just not acceptable by anyone, not least a government minister.. "He whined.
He prattled on "any suggestions that I pass the time , either by snoozing, reading or even watching TV, is just a fabrication"
The denial comes after the News of the mould, printed an accusation by former ice skater Jayne Torvill, that she thought it was just the sort of thing that Mr Blair might do.
"I think it's just the sort of thing he might do....I think it's just the sort of thing he might do...." she kept saying in parrot fashion.
Mr Blair refused to comment further, claiming it was three O'clock and time for him to have a ***.
Jayne Torvill is currently apppearing in panto as long John Silver's parrott, at the west pier, Blackpool.

 

[Priapus]

How's this for Squirrel News:

Russian squirrel pack '***** dog'

Local people suggest hunger is driving squirrels to extremes
Squirrels have bitten to death a stray dog which was barking at them in a Russian park, local media report.

Passers-by were too late to stop the ****** by the black squirrels in a village in the far east, which reportedly lasted about a minute.

They are said to have scampered off at the sight of humans, some carrying pieces of flesh.

A pine cone shortage may have led the squirrels to seek other food sources, although scientists are sceptical.

The ****** was reported in parkland in the centre of Lazo, a village in the Maritime Territory, and was witnessed by three local people.

A "big" stray dog was nosing about the trees and barking at squirrels hiding in branches overhead when a number of them suddenly descended and attacked, reports say.



"They literally gutted the dog," local journalist Anastasia Trubitsina told Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper.

"When they saw the men, they scattered in different directions, taking pieces of their **** away with them."

Mikhail Tiyunov, a scientist in the region, said it was the first he had ever heard of such an ******.

While squirrels without sources of protein might ****** birds' nests, he said, the idea of them chewing a dog to death was "absurd".

"If it really happened, things must be pretty bad in our forests," he added.

Komosmolskaya Pravda notes that in a previous incident this autumn chipmunks terrorised cats in a part of the territory.

A Lazo man who called himself only Mikhalich said there had been "no pine cones at all" in the local forests this year.

"The little beasts are agitated because they have nothing to eat," he added.

 

[tunsty]

Monet Is The Root Of All Evil - Says Scientist

A Russian scientist claims to have no proof whatsoever, that paintings by French impressionist, Claude Monet, are the root of all evil.
Vladimir Krahpp, for that is his name, claims that Monet's paintings have been the cause of world wars and disease.
"I have made many studies of his paintings and I am positive that they are done with evil intent.." claimed the ***** swilling git.
He went on.."It is no wonder my hair is in such a state, when Monet's paintings have having such a negative influence on everyone."
British art experts are struggling to come to terms with the claim...largely because they don't understand a word of Russian.
Art expert, Robbie Williams, has vowed to defend the claims.. "I'm going to do a cover of Abba's 'Monet, Monet, Monet' and donate the proceeds to something green and odd-shaped"
Mr Krahpp has also alleged that Vincent Van Gogh invented mobile phones and regularly included them in his paintings.

 

[stek1983]

Romanian Club Exchanges Defender For Large Lump Of Meat

Romanian second division soccer club UT Arad sold a player in exchange for 15 kilograms of meat, local sport daily Pro Sport reported on Monday.
However, fourth division Regal Horia made a bad deal because defender Marius Cioara decided to end his footballing career and take off to Spain to find a job in agriculture or construction.
"We are upset because we lost twice - firstly because we
lost a good player and secondly because we lost our team's food
for a whole week," a Regal Horia official was quoted telling Squirrel World News.

 

[stek1983]

SQUIRREL WORLD NEWS
With Fred Stripey
"I have pants that are greener than you, baby"

Bringing you the latest news from last week, every hour, twice a fortnight and when we can be bothered.

SAUSAGES FOUND ON MARS
The latest automated probe launched by NASA, Toilet 2,
safely crash-landed on Mars on Sunday night and has been busy
collating vast quantities of raw data from the Martian surface since.
It can been revealed that the Toilet 2's prime objective is to seek
out intelligent life and maybe find evidence of toilet facilities.
Amazingly, NASA scientists analysing the raw data sent back
from the Toilet 2 probe have discovered sausages in a canyon of Mars.
Scientists are trying to amplify Toilet 2's recognitive equipment,
in an attempt to identify what the sausages are made out of.
The bookmaker Bet Fred has already stopped taking bets on
Pork and Beef for the flavour of the Martian sausages.
Latest odds: Pork & Beef 11-258 Fav, Pork 3-1, Beef 4-1,
Mongoose 4-1, Cheese Cabbage & Dalmation 7-1, Koala 10-1,
Toes Parrots Lemons and Hair 10-1, Gareth Gates 25-1,
Western Samoa 25-1, A4 Notepad & Ruler 25-1, Private Pile 50-1

THE ROLLING STONES TO TOUR ASDA
Following on from their 6,258 date Starbuck's World Tour, The Rolling Stones
have revealed that they are set to embark on a 552 date UK Asda tour.
The opening night is in Llandudno on April 27th.
They will be promoting their new album "Aisle of Frozen Peas".
A spokesman for Asda said:
"We really wanted 50 Cent, but he refused to do it as he's more
of a Tesco man and was busy rehearsing his part for Shakespeare's Hamlet.
We settled for the Stones though, as the Beatles were largely unavailable."
The bookmaker Bet Fred has stopped taking bets on Kettering for which
town the Stones will clear out the Asda stocks of pickled eggs.
The latest odds:
Kettering 14-643 Fav, Warwick 3-1, Leyland 4-1, Stockport 4-1,
Shrewsbury 6-1, Warrington 9-1, New York 9-1, Barcelona 11-4,
Northampton 12-1, Tony Blair 13-5, Cambridge 125-1

GIANT FLUFFY BEAR TERRORISES PUB REGULARS
The Crown & Cheesegrater pub in Wycombe was closed as an
emergency situation arose in the most unusual circumstances.
A 12ft Arctic polar bear came into the lounge bar and seemingly
made the decision to eat a barmaid, after she refused to serve
the bear a pint of the award-winning Wadsworth's Bagel Armpit pale ale.
Regulars in the pub were seen to be "running around screaming like a
load of big girls in frilly dresses", as observed by the landlord Damian Sockbridge.
The landlord rectified the situation by appealing for the bear to remain
calm, and offered the bear an alternative tipple.
The bear ripped off the landlords right hand and hit a customer
repeatedly with the wet end.
The frightened customer left without even eating a just purchased bag of hula-hoops.
The bear made the following statement to the National Association for English Polar Bears:
"Grrrlllloooooorrrrrgggghhhhhh oooooaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhh. Yep."
The bookmaker Bet Fred has stopped taking bets on
Djimi Traore for the flavour of hula-hoops that were left behind in the fracas.
The current betting:
Djimi Traore 11-589.4 Fav, Sweet Radish 4-2, Banana & Otter 5-1,
Kidney Cider & Kneepads 7-1, Salt & Westlife 8-1,
Wet Shoelaces 10-1, Fireman Sam 77-3, The Colour Green 219-1

CARDIFF TO HOST BI-ANNUAL PAPERCLIP RACING EVENT
The legendary bi-annual Paperclip Formula One event is to be staged
this summer at the Millenium Stadium.
In 2004, seventy-two people flocked to see the event in the 100,000 seater
Maracana Stadium in Rio, Brazil.
The world paperclip racing champion, Umberto Flogolololovti of Peru,
is planning to go for a record 17th championship this time around.
Speaking through an intepreter pigeon, Flogolololovti insists that his
presence there is to maintain his extraordinary record.
"My first win was in 1974. I was 4 months old.
Which is the same age as my poodle. I like to stroke sheep."
The bookmaker Bet Fred has stopped taking bets on Farquhar being
the name of the interpretor pigeon.
The latest betting:
Farquhar 14-9358 Fav, Trevor 3-1, Dave 6-1, Parrot 6-1,
Hayley's Pants 10-1, **** 10-1, Nigel Mansell 10-1, Cucumber 15-1
Sausage Beans and Mash 18-1, Giuseppe 20-1, 10110110101 50-1

NEW NATIONAL RETIREMENT AGE SET TO 402
Under proposed government guidelines, the home secretary is set to
announce that the official retirement age for men and women living in
the UK is to be increased to 402, by the year 1985.
This followed the disastrous policy of the retirement age being set to
12 years of age for women and 5 years of age for men.
Allied to the rise in Private Pile culture in our inner cities,
the government have been ****** into a re-think.
Spokesman for the Department of Work and Pensions had this to say.
"You are bothering me on my lunch break.
How dare you! Please point that camera somewhere else!
No! Not at my bottom! AAAAHHHH!!"
The bookmaker Bet Fred has stopped taking bets on House Brick
for what the DWP spokesman was having for lunch.
The current betting:
House Brick 20-904 Fav, Trousers (Evens), James Blunt 5-1,
Pro$titute 5-1, Cadbury's Creme Leg 8-1, *** on a Stick 15-1,
Findus Crispy Pancake 15-1, Asparagus with Toads 20-1

THE BOOKMAKER BET FRED HAS STOPPED TAKING BETS
Due to a flurry of feverish betting activity relating to crisps, pickled eggs,
sausages etc, the bookmaker Bet Fred is to stop taking bets
over the counter for food-related bets.
A spokesman for Bet Fred has said
"The demand on the staff has been unbelievable. Some haven't been for lunch for days..."
The bookmaker Bet Fred has stopped taking bets on Crunchy Frogs
in Plasticine Sauce for what the employees of Bet Fred were most likely to have for lunch.
The current betting:
Crunchy Frogs in Plasticine Sauce 14-8042 Fav, Garden Gnomes 4-1,
A Small Hotel 6-1, Pete Waterman 6-1, Asbestos Cake 10-1,
The Complete Emmerdale DVD Box Set 25-1, Mongoose 28.6-1

And finally ... to the Sports Desk ...

Squirrel World News Sport - A King Amongst Queens
Presented by Gabriel St Trousers
"Yo baby?! You looking at me?! I thought so, I'm hot"

DANNY MILLS FOOTBALLING SCHOOL IS LAUNCHED
The former England defender, Danny Mills has launched a new sporting
initiative open to all with the love of the game - but just happen not to be
very good at playing it.
The aim of his project is to develop players of all ages from being useless,
to being useless but getting highly paid for being useless.
"My main objective is to show players how they can hoof the ball up
the pitch to no-one in particular. Being able not to find one of your team-mates
- at all costs - is a core skill I will be teaching".
The first centre opens at Twickenham Garden Centre in June.

DROGBA: "I'M NOT A CHEAT" SHOCKER
The Chelsea and Ivory Coast forward Didier Drogba has today condemned
those that think he cheats and dives too much.
To make the point even more clear, he has teamed up with
veteran rap star Vanilla Ice to make a cd.
The first single to be released from Drogba's album is simply
called "I'm Not a Cheat" with such scandalous lyrics as:
"I'm not a cheat, I stays on me feet, may I repeat to dose not schweet, I'm not a cheat, I stays on me feet"
The single is expected to reach number 90347 in the Bolivian country and western chart.

LEICESTERSHIRE WICKET KEEPER CATCHES HIS 2nd BALL
Playing Northamptonshire in the recent game at Ascot racecourse,
Lionel Fluff managed to catch his second career ball in the 49th over.
This caused spontaneous applause from the 12 fans that had gathered
to watch this staggeringly interesting sport.
After the match Lionel was treated to a good old fashioned kick in the nads
for being completely crap for dropping the other 728 balls that went his way.

The NEW Feature:
Sport in Brief
Headlines from the world of balls, bats and dogs

Compiled and not reported properly by
Cesar Juan Pablo McDuff - a Dave so close to being fired he can taste the gunpowder
"I'm so new and nerdy, they wont let me have a catchphrase"

Robbie Fowler to re-sign at Man City

Leeds United successful in their bid to groundshare with Rochdale

Tiger Woods wins his 50th series, has commemorative pants made

Mikael Silvestre is wanted at Sunderland to plug defensive gap

Wenger, Mourinho and Ferguson to marry to resolve petty disputes

"Darius Vassell was my teacher" - Barca's Samuel Eto'o

Shearer: The secret of my success was finishing my career at a club
with a team so average, I was never going to win anything again

Sebastian Coe to come out of retirement, and take politics to the Olympics
- Coe warned with ************ if he attempts it

Collymore - "I can't even score at Dogging" - now a mental patient in Broadmoor

---
Squirrel World News actively supports those that wear loose lettuce leaves as an accessory to a dress made from a live whale

 

[stek1983]

SQUIRREL WORLD NEWS
================

REAL NEWS - ON THE HOUR, EVERY 4.6 DAYS, OR WHEN WE FEEL LIKE IT
Anchored, compiled and washed with potatoes by Fred Stripey - a Prince amongst toads

NEW JEFFREY ARCHER NOVEL TO CONTAIN OVER 12,000 E NUMBERS
"Field of Sheep" the new thriller by Jeffrey Archer is to be specially printed on paper containing more than twelve thousand E preservative numbers.
This has caused outrage amongst a number of healthy eating campaign groups.
"Eating this book is likely to make you less likely to ride a donkey", complained Rita Arkwright-Umbrella of the Let's Eat Literature Organisation.
She was later shot by an SAS marksmen who mistook her for a member of The Rasmus.
Jeffrey Archer claims that his new book will be even worse than his last one.
How many more ridiculous claims can Archer come up with?
Unfortunately, here at Squirrel World News, we will be unable to prove whether Archer speaks the truth that his new novel his even worse than the last.
Because we wont be reading any of them.
Death to Archer, we say.

GIANT PANDA BEAR HAS SQUASHED BOLTON
Late last night, the phenomenally stupid town of Bolton in Lancashire was reeling from a series of attacks from a rare breed of giant Chinese Panda Bear.
Eye witnesses state that the bear looked to be having a great time flattening buildings before they themselves were mercilessly squashed.
The ****** was stopped when Sam Allardyce's armpit odour ****** the bear instantly.
China has since declared war on Bolton.
Even though Bolton is now the shape of a pancake.

SPAGHETTI FOUND NEAR MILAN
A nation still reeling from the discovery of Parmesan cheese in the Reggio Emilia district, have been handed a second horrible blow when real live spaghetti was found near the northern city of Milan.
Locals fear that this discovery will destroy the Italian economy.
After the Parmesan catastrophe, which is known by Italians as "The Great Cheese Crash", local fishermen were ****** to sell their wives and eat their own pets.
Ministers are now bracing themselves for civil war at this sighting of spaghetti.
Union leaders are blaming Silvio Berlusconi for this latest outrage, but the Berlusconi office claims the rogue spaghetti was placed their by a passing Latvian tourist in an attempt to cause insult and harm to the Italian economy.
I did ask the Latvian embassy in Wales what there response to this claim was, but unfortunately I don't speak Russian, Welsh or Italian. So they didn't let me through the door.

Gabriel St Trousers at the Sports Desk
"My zip is busted, so I will let it all hang loose"

NEW LIVERPOOL AWAY KIT TO BE MADE FROM CILLA BLACK
Liverpool, which is celebrating the award of City Of Culture (COC-k for short), have announced that Liverpool FC will be wearing a new away kit which has been designed by Kenny Dalglish and will be made from 100% Cilla Black fibres.
The chirpy Liverpool singer, best known for being incredibly annoying, is only too happy to be led to the abbatoir and slaughtered to help out her beloved city and football team.
Liverpool captain, Steven Gerrard, welcomes the idea but is a little confused as to how Anfield Legend Kenny Dalglish became a sportswear designer and a butcherer of really bad Z-grade ***********.
The news of Cilla Black's impending slaughter was welcomed worldwide.
Meanwhile, staying at Anfield ... well they are a bit of a laugh...

DJIBRIL CISSE: "I AM A STRIKER" SHOCKER
Liverpool's French person, Djibril Cisse, has come forward with the revelation that he is in fact a striker.
Confused by this statement, local press have asked Cisse if he has ever considered a career in office stationery distribution.
Cisse's PA has commented that Robbie Fowler's incredible form and rehabilitation as an awesome athlete have dented Cisse's chances of making Liverpool's starting 57.
Another theory by the Anfield training staff is that since Cisse stopped having really ridiculous facial hair, his form has dipped.
Another theory by the general public is that Cisse is just rubbish.
Expect a £285.476billion summer Chelski bid.

MAN UNITED TO LOWER SEASON TICKET PRICES
The Glazer ****** have announced a reduction in season tickets at Old Trafford for the 2006/2007 season.
A seat in a factory in nearby St Helens will be reduced from $37,847 to $58,928.
The news has been welcomed by Man United supporters groups.
"It is about time we the supporters were hit hard in the wallet. Praise the Glazers for this price reduction that means we can sit in a factory in Merseyside for no apparent reason at great expense."
Former United captain Roy Keane has commented "Yes. I have considered a career in ballet".


Squirrel World News actively supports the ************ of lettuce wearing shovels in spring.

 

[Salem]

awesome thread idea guys

very funny stuff :rofl2:

 

[tunsty]

The Police Use Tear gas on Music Fans

Former 80's pop band, 'The Police', have been criticised for using tear gas on their fans.
"It was awful" squealed a pig-nosed housewife who has been a fan for at least ten minutes..
"Sting shouted to us 'Don't stand so close to me' and then he threw a tear-gas cannister at us..I said to my friend De de de da da da do do do di di did he realy throw that?"
When asked for an explanation, the former frontman said, "I just can't go anywhere these days without fans noticing me...every breath I take, every move I make...they're watching me, I just want to be so lonely"
He added, "I've apologised to the lady and I now think every little thing she does is magic"



George Bush to Be Next Bond Villain

President Bush looks to have become the favourite for the part of the next Bond villain, claims pop star Bjork.
The Icelandic pinhead popstress, claims to have found the information scribbled on a **** mat at her local pub.
"I think he'd be a great Bond villain, he's a meglomaniac, he is always looking to start trouble and he mangles his words...he's ideal" she warbled.
A Whitehouse spokesman denied that President Bush was after a part in any movie, "Why would he want to play the part of a baddie in a movie?...he's already doing it for real".
The spokesman also denied that Mr Bush had recently aquired a new white cat and an eyepatch.



Dutchman invents self-removing trousers

A Dutch inventer claims to have created the worlds first self-removing trousers.
"They're pants!" declared Nils Flanner van der Flubber.
"Just the other day I went to the local open market and demonstrated them, it drew quite a crowd of policemen"
The dotty Dutchman has several other clothing type inventions, including a hat that can blow itself off, a tie that can get knotted and shoes that melt away when it rains.
"I hope to be able to have everyones trousers dropping...as soon as my prison sentence is over" he gurgled.

 

[tunsty]

Lord Lucan found in Manchester City trophy room

Suspected killer and ice-cream fondler, Lord Lucan, has been found alive and well in Premiership club, Manchester City's trophy room.
The room which has not been used since the early seventies, was opened to let the stench of mediocrity escape, when the discovery was made.
"It was him alright..." said Michael Jackson, who was there on a week long trial as a corner flag, "I instantly recognised his face and his hair ......and his lovely soft hands...and his pert little bottom", added the ghostly white freak.
Club officials immediately phoned the local takeaway for some pizza and then held a meeting in a nearby mortuary (players lounge), to discuss what to do next.
"We have decided to give Lord Lucan the chance to give himself up to the authorities...or we will be ****** to give him a place in our upcoming midweek match", said the club tea-lady.
when asked about the situation, club manager Stuart Pearce would only say "He's a good lad, an' were 100% behind him...he just needs to show the commitment that I, and everyone else, expect from a former killer, who wants to make it in the world of mid-table football."

 

[tunsty]

David Blane to live in a house for two weeks

Street magician and former Margaret Thatcher groupie, David Blane, has announced that his next daring trick will be to live in a house for two weeks.
"It will be the toughest challenge I will ever face", squaked the publicity shy dingbat.
No cameras, microphones or any surveillance equipment of any sort will be allowed in the house and no reporter will be allowed to pose as double glazing salesman to dupe him into saying something.
"I will be completely cut-off from the media. I will have a bed, TV, refrigerator and a sofa...oh and a toaster, food, water, toilet and maybe even a potted plant...well I do need somone to talk to"
Experts believe that Blane could end up psychologically damaged after the two weeks, "if you're not use to life away from the camera, then two weeks of no-publicity could leave you scarred for life" said some bloke I met in the pub.
Blane expects to do a spot of dusting, ironing and also do a bit of DIY whilst he's in the house.

 

[tunsty]

Salvation Army get Iraq call-up

A group of Salvation Army personnel are to be given their first taste of action in Iraq.
The division of crack tambourine shakers and brass trumpet players, from the Croydon and district headquarters, are preparing for their six-month tour of duty.
"It will be an honour to put ourselves in the line of fire" said Arthur Snottee, divisional captain.
"Our unwavering sense of right and goodwill to all, not to mention our proud instrument playing, will show those insurgents the true way forward" he nervously added.
The ministry of defence has defended it's descision to call up the 'sally-ann', "we have been in Iraq for three years now and things aren't improving" said Aston Villa manager, David O'leary,
"We believe that some rythmic trumpet playing and some pleasant smiling will help to ease tensions and perhaps even bring the situation to an end"
The Ministry of defence has denied that it is sending the 'sally-ann' personnel to their deaths..
"We don't think there is any cause for alarm, the 200 bodybags we have ordered are merely for use as christmas decorations.

 

[stek1983]

Squirrel World News

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Anchored by the man with the buttocks of steel, Fred Stripey
"If it's not looking likely, it probably will never be"

THE KILLERS IN "WE ATE THE POPE" SHOCKER
Under the smokescreen of their second album release, SWN can reveal that the 80's sounding indie darlings, The Killers, have been caught red-handed eating the pope.
Vatican sources released top secret CCTV footage showing the band ********* the pope, during their recent papal visit.
The band ****** the pope at carrot-point into a van, and drove to their hotel retreat near Cremona.
Squirrel World News top undercover reporter, Philip Toe, sneaked in with the group disguised as a mic-stand.
In the hotel the pope was ****** into a giant cooking pot, where beef stock, onions, carrots, celery and potatoes were added.
The Killers' bass player, Veronica Socks, then added 4 cloves of garlic and 2 finely chopped chillis to the pot before turning on the heat.
The band taunted the pope with pictures of The Cure and stills from the TV series Malcolm in the Middle.
Shortly after midnight the band tucked into Pope stew and Pope kebabs.
A spokesman for the band commented "This is preposterous! An outrage! Not only did the band stay in Turin, and not Cremona, there's no way they would try to eat a whole pope with only 4 cloves of garlic".
The pope was unavailable to comment.

NEW ZEALAND DECLARES WAR ON JOHN TRAVOLTA'S LEFT EAR
Kelvin McDongle, the senior NZ defence leader, has announced that New Zealand are to declare war on John Travolta's left ear by 6pm tonight unless Travolta appears in the next Pirelli calendar wearing only sausage rolls.
Travolta's agent shrugged off the threats by insisting his client wont do the photoshoot, as he is allergic to calendars.
Tom Cruise, a Scientologist friend of Travolta, was equal in his defiance.
"New Zealand have a combined fighting ***** of 4 cats, a sheep and 3 one-legged men all called Gary. John (Travolta)'s ear will be more than a match for them"
Moments after making that statement a giant brown bear fell from the ceiling and squashed Cruise.
The bear is recovering well in hospital, according to a representative of the World Wildlife Fund.
Staff at the office where this incident occured are careful not to tread on the dwarven stain, that is in the middle of the floor.

SAVED BY PEAS - JOSH HOMME
The sometime leader of Queens of the Stone Age and collaborator with Chas & Dave, Josh Homme, had an astonishingly lucky escape today.
Whilst Homme was partaking in his favourite new hobby of extreme fridge balancing, the freezer compartment exploded whilst Homme was trying an extremely difficult new extreme fridge balancing trick.
The explosion sent a variety of frozen products flashing through his apartment.
Several of Homme's close ****** and friends did not survive the impact of the blast.
Miraculously a two-tonne bag of garden peas, which had thawed instantly in the explosion, cushioned Homme's 212ft fall.
The fall completely ruined the bag of soft delicious peas however.

And finally to the Sports Desk with Gabriel St Trousers - a man so obsessed with kettles, he constantly wears a giant teabag in the hope that one day a giant tea lover will place him inside a giant teapot and boil him alive.

CHELSKI RELEGATED TO THE SPL
Jose Mourinho's eternal smugness has finally been hit by the wrath of FIFA.
Chelski have been condemned to play in the Scottish Premier League for the rest of time.
The major Scottish clubs, the two Glasgow giants - the Edinburgh duo and St Mirren, have objected profusely to this outcome.
Chelski are appealing to this decision, as they would prefer to play in the Latvian Ladies 3rd division.
Claude Makelele, the Chelski midfielder, has demanded a transfer to Lokomotiv Plovdiv in protest, but the Bulgarian 1st division side have told him to eat his own entrails.
In a similar case of obnoxiousness, Leeds United have been ejected from the League.
They were hoping that the League of Wales would invite them, but the chairmen of the L.O.W., Tom Jones, told them to "do one".
Leeds are so despised, we couldn't even be bothered giving them a headline.

THE 23rd CASTLETON GOLF OPEN A MASSIVE SUCCESSTerry Goldspoontrousers the winner of the annual Castleton Golf Open, revealed that the love of roughly folded shoes inspired him to his win.
A total of 6 competitors from all over Castleton competed to win the amazing 42cent trophy.
Spectator records were smashed, when 3 people and an escaped giraffe watched the final round yesterday.
Goldspoontrousers was heard to shout "What am I doing here?!" when he raised the trophy.
The 5 losing competitors were taken to a hill in the middle of Barrow-in-Furness and had giant spiders shot repeatedly at them, at high velocity, until they were no more.

ST HELENS SWITCH CODES TO MORRIS DANCING
The rugby outfit St Helens confirmed that they were to switch rugby codes to Morris Dancing, with effect from next Thursday.
This comes 48 hours after Warrington's decision to switch to Aerobics.
A spokesman for the Rugby Premier League admitted that the game was becoming a bit silly.
"Castleford are great at darts these days, and Bradford Bulls can walk over everyone with their backstroke"

Squirrel World News actively promotes the stroking of pebbles which are on top of bigger pebbles on a Tuesday