Squirrel World News

[tunsty]

Family mutates into a three piece suite

Doctors are said to be baffled by the appearance of fresh milk on their doorsteps and by the strange mutation of a family into a comfy three-piece suite.
John Bilgepump and his wife Hilda, along with thier son Simon are being sat on by a team of specialist roadsweepers in a field just north of Nottingham.
A spokesman for the Blind Association said "I can't see much resemblance to furniture myself...mind you I was born blind, so that might explain it"
A doctor treating the family said "we are trying our best to get free chocolate bars out of our vending machine and in our spare time we are inviting tramps in off the street to sit on the famly"
The family is hoping that a cure can be found for stupitidy, but in the meantime they are happy to lounge around in a lounge and have their cushions puffed up every day.
"the family will stay here until they become worn out" said a talking teabag, "in the meantime their situation is comfortable"

 

[tunsty]

Falkland islands to be moved to garage in North London

It has been announced that the Falkland islands are to be moved lock, stock and sheep, to a lock-up garage in north London.
A government insider, who wished only to be named as Tony B, said "Due to the increasing threat posed to the islands by cow farts, we have decided to move them to a small lock-up garage in Ealing...the islands...not the cows farts, that is"
Residents of the islands are furious that they can't get playboy channel, soap or any non-shiny toilet paper, but are quite excited at the prospect of living the rest of their lives in a small cramped garage.
"Well, given a choice between being crushed by the invading Argies or crushed by the small cramped condition of a lock-up garage, I'd go for a swim any day" whimpered a passing frenchman with no connection to this story.
The move is expected to begin, sometime in the next 117 years and preparations have already begun.
"I can confirm that the government will set aside a couple of small rowing boats to deal with the expected move" said a drunk I met the other day.
However, rumours that Belgium is to be moved to the south pole have been denied as false "actually, Belgium has already been sent to hell" squeaked a passing mouse.

 

[tunsty]

Terrorist camp found in Vanessa Feltz's knickers

The CIA has revealed that they have uncovered a terrorist training camp in Vanessa Feltz's Knickers.
"It's the biggest bloomin' camp we've ever seen" said a shell-shocked seashell seller on the seashore.
The camp had apparently been undisturbed by any man for decades and was located between a large forest and a deep valley.
"It covers a huge area and looks like no man has been here for ages. " said former whitehouse tea lady Brenda Buster
"No buildings can be seen and I'm pretty certain that no new erections have been here recently" tittered former Carry-on star Barbara Windsor.
The CIA is planning to move what is left of the camp into Paris Hilton's bra "I'm sure if it we put it in a handy place, we will have more chance of catching lots of men using it" said Paris herself

 

[tunsty]

Bank of England to issue fruit as currency.

The Bank of England has announced that it is to stop issuing money and instead use fruit as legal tender.
"There's no money in making money, it costs too much money to make...why not have a currency that grows on trees?" said a bewildered wilderbeast on holiday from Zimbabwe.
The Banks wacky, harebrained idea is to replace banknotes with bananas, cheques with oranges and loose change with grapes.... while mortgages will would become barrels of apples.
The idea has been blasted with custard pies and has angered many fruit sellers in Chiswick.
One such seller said "So, if I run out of bananas, I won't be able to send any oranges to my bank and my barrel of apples will soon be empty... I'll end up on the street begging for spare grapes!"
A spokesman for the fruit and veg sellers of greater Littlehampton said "We just want to make the world of finance more tasty...and the idea of having fruit instead of money is much easier to swallow"
Meanwhile, the chairman of the Bank, Sir Malcom Mockingbird- Mockingbird-Tuatt has just received his annual bonus of 50'000 peaches...nice fruit, if you an get it!

 

[tunsty]

Orchestras fight street battles

A vicious 'Turf war' has broken out of a tin of peas and has spilled onto the streets of Dumfries.
The war is between two rival Orchestras, the 'The Scottish dour and bleak Philharmonic orchestra' and the 'Merry-Fiddlers and occasional trumpet blowers of Tittington'
One onlooker described a street battle as 'Pure violins', whilst another witness described the terrible beatings that one big oompah drum was given...
"It was mostly awful, the drum was getting beaten constantly..it makes me cry custard just thinking about it"
Other witnesses who weren't there, but insisted on giving their two-penny'th worth, descrided how several trumpets were given hard blows, a tambourine was badly shaken and worst of all, a second fiddle suffered two broken strings..
"They were conducting themselves badly" said a conductor who wasn't conducting but wish he had been.
Police have warned the Orchestras that they are playing their way into stardom and risk several years in the classical music charts.
A spokesman for the bald men of Durham refused to comment saying, "what are you asking me for?..I don't know anything about orchestras..it's as plain as the hair on my head"

 

[tunsty]

Microsoft Security Update​

'Idiot-User vulnerability patch version: ID 10T'​

This patch is to protect against users with insufficient ability from accessing their PC and therefore cause unnecessary phonecalls to our technical help line.
Once installed the patch will display the following notice: 'You are stupid - switch this PC off , then sell it and never use a PC again'.The patch will run when windows starts and will prevent any use of the PC by the user.

NOTE: Any attempt to work around the patch will result in an 'Auto-Destruct' sequence being initiated.
Once initiated, when the 20 second countdown ends the PC will explode, thus rendering it obselete.

Version History: This is Version 1.0 and supercedes the previous patches:
'Friendly advice - go away, you don't know what you're doing' Version: 3.2 patch.
'Lets just put this software out and hope for the best' Version: 1.1.2 patch

Microsoft, as usual, accepts NO responsibility for any injury or death caused by either your dumbness or our ability to sell crap software.

 

[tunsty]

RIAA to sue songbirds.

The Record Industry Association of Assholes looks set to bring a lawsuit against songbirds.
"It has come to our attention that several melodies sung by songbirds, could possibly be in breach of some or other copyright...but we can't be sure"
A spokesman for the Songbird Association (also known as S.H.U.T.T.H.E.F.U.C.K.U.P.R.I.A.A.Y.O.U.D.I.C.K.H.E.A.D.S.),
twittered, "You could have knocked me down with an Albatross feather, when I heard" .
Meanwhile, several songbirds registered their disgust by pooing on the windscreens of RIAA executives plush expensive looking cars.

"We just want what is a fair and just settlement for our clients."said a short, balding, ugly and smelly RIAA executive.
"Bands such as 'The Eagles', 'The Yardbirds and 'The Tweets' have slaved, SLAVED, I tell ya, over their typewriters creating these songs". said the wanker.
If succesful, the RIAA Plans to sue Mother nature, Aliens, Huckleberry Finn, the planet Mars and finally themselves in the hope that Elton John won't have to go without a new gold-plated handle for his toilet brush.

 

[tunsty]

British weather to be auctioned on eBay

Prime minister Tony Blair has announced that the British weather is to be put up for sale on eBay.
"The British people have had enough of this drab, disappointing and tedious thing " said a spokesman, who then introduced the Prime Minister.

"The British weather has always been considered second-best compared to other countries weather, so it is time we ditched the bitch and got some young hot weather in" whispered Mr Blair

The descision comes after another disappointing summer which produced only 21 sunny days, 17 hazy-but-warm days and 22 cold and windy days.

Tony Blair continued "We expect a good response to our auction, several scandinavian countries have expressed an interest in buying our weather and in the case of Poland, they have put forward a part-exchange..we get their rainy days and they get our windy ones and an equal share of any sunny days".

The bidding for the Brithish weather is expected to start at 37p and will be open until someone buys it or someone gets wise to the stupidity of the idea.

 

[tunsty]

Peter Crouch is a Midget - reveals Benitez

Liverpool Football club have revealed their striker, Peter Crouch, is actually a 3' 6 midget.
"His 6' 7 height is just an optical illusion" revealed manager Rafael Benitez.
He went on " We manage to maintain the illusion, by the use of smoke, mirrors and a pair of bamboo stilts".

It was widely assumed that Crouch's height was the result of being force fed green vegetables as a child or by the use of a medieval torture rack.
"We certainly don't use torture racks, we stopped using them last year after the 'Hyppia' incident" giggled Radiant Rafa.
"It took some time for Peter to get use to the stilts, but he can fairly move on them now..he can just about out-pace our tealady." said Rafa the blessed.

It was also revealed that the stilts have caused one or two problems.
"Peter actually had to miss a reserve game against Fulham"revealed Rafa the almighty.
"One of the lads brought in a beaver for a prank, it gnawed through the stilts and also Robbie Fowler's head before it was kicked in from a well-taken corner" said a fly on the dressing room wall.

"In one Premiership game, one of the stilts accidently hit Joe Cole on the head, fortunately Crouch's secret wasn't revealed and Joe Cole was booked - because he is Joe Cole." said Rafa - the balding God-like Deity

 

[tunsty]

The Cucumber wars of Dorchester

A Cucumber war has has flared up in Dorchester.
The War between two rival gangs, the 'Bad-Veg Boys' and the 'Green and Stiff Gang' has been ongoing for the last 3 minutes.
A resident of Dorchester, who didn't want his identity to be revealed, but is know to live at 54 inforitnow ave, Dorchester, squealed "It's awful, the sight of those lovely cucumbers being smashed to pulp is making me queasy".
Meanwhile, veg shops in the area have reported record sales, which is strange because they only sell veg...not records.
Police have refused to get involved in the war, stating "What people do with their cucumbers is their own business and is nothing to do with us..now piss-off while I finish my cucumber sandwiches" said a policeman.

 

[tunsty]

New 'any-value' banknote to be introduced

The Bank of England has announced it is to introduce a new variable-value banknote.
A sly-looking spokesman said "We think a variable-value banknote would be a wicked idea..imagine having a single banknote worth absolutely anything!"
The idea has caused laughter in many mental asylums around the world and has caused parrots in South America to fall from their perches.
"Imagine being able to buy anything, for any price, anywhere" muttered a penniless tramp in south London.
Financial experts have pointed to serious flaws in the new banknote and a lack of a social life they seem to be experiencing.
"What colour is it going to be?" and "What if I get short changed" were just two of the questions put to contestants on Deal or no Deal.
The new banknote is expected to take off..in the next space shuttle, before being released into the upper atmosphere, before finally burning up on re-entry.
"It won't be a great loss..each of the space-bound banknotes will only be worth 000000.12p - so it will be the cheapest shuttle ride in history" grumbled a prostitute I spoke with last night.

 

[tunsty]

We have some late movie scores coming in.
Over to Fred Shuttlecock at the sports desk..


Rocky 6 - Shrek 2
A rollover for Rocky, still showing good home form - Shrek really looked unfit today and played an ugly game.

Spider-man 2 - Jaws 2
The biting tackles from jaws meant a good second-half fight back - Spider-man just couldn't cling to the lead.

Toy Story 2 - Friday the Thirteenth 8
Astonishing away win for manager Jason Voohrees..those toys were massacred.
Second half substitute, Buzz lightyear, allowing too much space to the opposition.

Nightmare on Elm Street 3 - Superman 1
Freddy clawed out a great victory - Meanwhile the man of steel showing some rustiness after a two-week layoff.

Star Wars 2 - Hellraiser 3
Close one here - Hellraiser raised the roof with a last minute winner - all three goals from 'Dead' ball situations.
Star Wars manager Ben Kenobi said to be considering his position.

Naked Gun 2 1/2 - Rush Hour 2
Naked Gun awarded extra half-point for directing Rush hour to wrong dressing room and making them late for kick-off.

Death Wish 5 - Back to the Future 2
Death Wish scoring five killer goals, perfect revenge for the early season defeat - Back to the future looking forward to the return match which is to be played six weeks ago..

 

[tunsty]

Roy Keane's reveales pet hates..

Footballer and part time sex-therapist, Roy Keane, has revealed one of his pet hates....pets!.
I fucking hate them..Dogs, Cats, Rabbits, Goldfish and Budgies..... don't get me started on them bastards"
The trouble began when Keane was sent a Budgie anonymously " Yeah someone sent me a blue budgie..BLUE mind-you..fucking Man city colours!.
Well that got my back-up straight away..then the bloody thing starts talking - 'UTD ARE SHITE' and 'YOU'RE NOT AS GOOD AS BESTY' , I tried to put it straight about what it said, but it wouldn't change it's opinion, so I had to 'sort-it-out'
Keane refused to say what happened next, but did say " It's not the first time that I ate something that disagreed with me".
A spokesman for the R.S.P.C.A. condemned the footballer, saying "you should never, ever put a budgie into a mircowave...frying with some garlic and mushrooms is much tastier"
Keane's problem has also affected his footballing career. One incident occurred when Norwich City came to Old Trafford.
"The Gaffer told me that we were up against 'the canaries' and they were in the away dressing room..so I stormed in there, but thewre were only some blokes in shorts there..so I beat them up instead" he said.
Keane is currently the manager of Sunderland FC, also known as the 'Black Cats' ...expect a murderous rampage anyday now.

 

[tunsty]

Britney Spears - I love my brick

Troubled pop star, Britney Spears has revealed for the first time her new love-interest...a house brick.
"He's called Malcolm and we've been together for a couple of days now" she wittered.
"He's the strong silent type, he doesn't say much, but he's a rock...or rather a brick" she added.
Spears has been seen out walking with her brick on several occassions, often drawing shouts of ridicule and laughter.
A passing builer, who wished to be known only as 'Bob' , said "I could understand if he were a breeze block or a nice looking bit of 2x4 wood..but housebricks are just so common"
Spears is hoping to settle down and have a family of bricks. "We will build ourselves a future together" she giggled.

 

[tunsty]

Just in... some late entries for this year's 'song for eurovision'

'Show me your lovely pants' - The Turn-ups

'Love will tear us apart - The Singing Buttocks

'Microwaved peas blues' - The Mushy Brothers

'Kiss my IPod (You know you want to..)' - Strange Love Quest

'I'm in heaven when you fart' - Johnny Stench

'Ever fallen in love (with a housebrick) - The Britney Spears Experience

'Look both ways' - Roadkill

'Where are my car-keys? (I'm sure I left them here) - The Forget-me-nots

'My lovely Horse - Ted Crilly & Dougal McGuire

'Cry me a black pudding' - Insane as Anything

'We'll get it right (Sometime)' - Steve McClaren and the Boo-Boys

 

[tunsty]

Bush: Send in the Clowns

U.S. president, George Bush, suprised congress today by announcing his passion for tinned prunes...and also that all circus clowns are to be drafted into the U.S. army with immediate effect.
"It is true that our involvement in the gulf has left us short of enlisted men, so I have decided that it is time to send in the clowns." said Georgy boy.
The Clowns union C.O.C.O. reacted angrily to the statement, by firing several human cannonballs at the Whitehouse, unfortunately they got their elevation trajectories wrong and shot several of them into nearby trees and flowerbeds.
A circus spokesman said "They will be like sitting ducks out there...the insurgents will be too busy laughing to shoot them"
It has been suggested that lion tamers should be sent instead of the clowns. "At least the lions can be trained to attack the enemy" said a bearded lady.
The clowns are expected to depart for the gulf in their comedy fall-apart clown cars, anyday now.

 

[tunsty]

Just in - Some Upsetting News


We have just received some upsetting news, so upsetting in fact that we can't tell you what it is.
This upsetting news comes just days after the last upsetting news, which was so upsetting that we couldn't even mention it, never mind show pictures of it.
Prime Minister Tony Blair has just released the following statement "It is very sad to hear of this upsetting news. Our thoughts go out to the people involved and their families, who will be affected by the upsetting news"
Public reaction was one of shock and bewilderment "What happened?" and "What the hell are you talking about?" were just two responses to the news of something upsetting happening.

If we get anymore details about this upsetting news we will of course bring it to you...unless it's really upssetting in which case we won't.

 

[tunsty]

Russell Brand to be next Wurzel Gummidge...


Russell Brand, the small-time star of TV, radio and gay nightclubs, is to star in the movie lead-role of Wurzel Gummidge.
"I don't believe it" said a passing Victor Meldrew impersonator, as we prodded him with a spoon, "But if you think about it, he's perfect for the part.. there he is with his shaggy hair, smelly clothes and the personality of a dishcloth, just ideal"
The movie's producer, Roger Kunt, said "We thought of Russy-baby straight away.. if the Andrew Sachs answerphone affair doesn't finish his career, this fucking will"
he added "We'll have to tidy him up a bit, we can't have Wurzel looking like a complete scruffy twat, like Russell is.."

Rumours that Jonathan Ross is to get the part of Aunt Sally have been denied by my talking underpants.
"We're hoping that this will be a funny and amusing film", said a passing dog.. "So there's no fucking way that Ross is going to be in it.."

'Wurzel Gummidge 2 - Hay in my underpants' is set to be released in Wokingham next March and then close the day after.




Derby County Football Club 2008 Xmas DVD - Out now.

Derby County are set to release their annual Xmas DVD.. '101 greatest Derby throw-ins' later this week.
The DVD, which is hotly tipped to sell two or three copies, will sell for a bargain £128.50 and is available at all good undertakers and charity shops.

When asked about the price, a Derby County spokesman said 'our fans are very loyal, so we can rely on them to buy any old crap'
Sid Bumfondle, a lifelong fan, said 'I've scrimped and saved my hard-earned pennies all year for this.. I only hope it's worth it'.

It is hoped that this year's DVD does better than last year's offering 'Derby County - 20 greatest players, who never played for us' and the scandalous Xmas 2006 DVD 'Watching the grass grow' - which turned out to be a 90 min film of the grass growing on the Derby County pitch.
Surprisingly, that last DVD was voted the best 90 mins seen at Derby County since records began.

 

[tunsty]

'Idiot' report selling well..

A report into how easy it is to part idiots from their money, is selling like hot-cakes in Norwich, it is reported.
the 44-page report, consisiting of mostly blank pages, except for the words 'you idiot' on the front, has been on sale for the last two hours, for a price of £750.
Gavin Dickbrain, a professor at Norwich university, said 'I couldn't wait to get my hands on my knob, as well as this report..
I'm getting a hard-on just thinking about it'.
He prattled on 'It should make very interesting reading.. I've set aside next week to read through it.. I might even use it in one of my lectures on the 12 best ways to breed carrier bags'.

The report was compiled by my pet hamster, who is currently working on a follow-up report 'Money For Nothing',
which will be massive 200 pages of fuck-all.
The 'Money For Nothing' report is only available on the Freeones website shop (price is £125 more than normal) and pre-orders have already reportedly reached double figures.

 

[maildude]

Dude...we could ALWAYS use more creativity on these forums! :thumbsup: