Squirrel World News

[tunsty]

Lost City of Atlantis found in a Bread Roll.


The great mythical, Lost City of Atlantis, has been discovered in a bread roll, in Chelmsford.
'Well, cover me with jam and call me a tart', said bakery owner and all-round dickhead, Gilbert Frostknuckle.

'There I was baking some rolls for the fat-arsed customers who come in, when I noticed this small, ancient looking, yet curiously advanced city, in this bread roll' the gobshite said.
At first glance the 'city' appears to resemble a raisin, but on closer inspection, it appears to be - a bigger looking raisin.
'What you've got to understand, is that no-one really knows what Atlantis actually looked like' wittered the flour-covered dingbat..
'Pure coincidence that it should resemble a raisin.. if you don't believe me, I got a jar full of Atlantises in the back' he continued.
The mystery of how the rais.. I mean City, came to be in a bread roll, has mystified some ducks in a nearby pond and also Mr Frostknuckle.

The discovery has been hailed as 'a load of cobblers' by several historians and 'a load of frigging shite' by hundreds of schoolchildren, who think he's a fruitcake.
Undetered by the stinging and frankly, overdue criticism, Mr Frostknuckle intends to keep the raisin up his arse and is only to happy to pluck it out and parade it up and down the local highstreet for everyone's enjoyment.

As we left the shop, Mr Frostknuckle, dropped his trousers and shouted..'Ancient history - MY ARSE!'

 

[tunsty]

Gary Neville Fined for 'a little piece of magic'

Manchester Utd Footballer Gary 'wanker' Neville has been fined two-weeks wages by the club, for performing magic tricks during matches.
During the recent FA cup defeat against the mighty and impressive Leeds Utd, Neville produced a white rabbit from a hat, a coin from behind his ear and a bunch of flowers from up his arse.
Alex 'chuckles' Ferguson was said to be 'annoyed, but mildly entertained' by the childish trickery, but was determined to put a stop to the magic hokery pokery.
"I would drop him to the bench... but he's already there" growled the dour feckless scot.
However, Neville's magic tricks have caused previous problems for his team.
Recently, several Premiership clubs have seen penalties for Man utd, produced out of thin air and also several wild ******* have appeared on the pitch, including a donkey nicknamed 'Jaap', a lame greyhound called 'Andrei' and a wild Boar named 'Brucey'
However, Neville is not alone in performing magic on the field of play...
It is believed that Liverpool's Steven Gerrard, will perform the 'cutting a man in half' trick... next time he plays against Neville.


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Keanu Reeves voted 3rd sexiest plank of all time.


Actor and part time coffee table, Keanu Reeves, has been voted the 3rd sexiest plank of all-time by the National Woodworking Association of Brazil.
The competition was fiercely contested this year and was eventually won by a piece of 2ftx4ft pinewood from Newcastle.
Reeves was just nudged out of second place by a mahogany bookcase from Norway.
Reeves was unavailable for comment yesterday as he is anxiously waiting to see if he gets the lead-part in the upcoming 'Pinnochio Reloaded' movie.

 

[tunsty]

Gordon Brown - 'to run away and join a circus'

Prime minister and part-time nude model, Gordon Brown, has revealed that when he loses the next election, he intends to run away and join a circus.
It is believed that Mr Brown is keen to put on a clown's outfit and delight millions...
fortunately, just fucking-off from Downing street, will be good enough for most of us.
When asked about giving Mr Brown a job, all of the top circus shows have said that they have enough clowns as it is and don't need another one upstaging the others.
One owner, who did not wish to be named, said " People aren't going to pay £8 to see him make an idiot of himself.. not when they can just watch 'Prime-minister's question time' and see him do it for free"
The Official clown union 'S.N.I.G.G.A' have said that all their members would down trousers if Mr Brown was given a clown's job.. " We take great pride in our tomfoolery, we don't want that halfwit making us a laughing stock" said Coco the clown.
Other reports that Peter Mandelson wants to tame lions, has been welcomed by the other political parties.


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'World to end in next three minutes' - says talking ferret

A talking ferret named bob, has predicted that the world will end in the next three minutes.
The previously silent ******, surprisingly blurted out the news to me just a couple of minutes ag.........

 

[tunsty]

Noah's Ark found in Blackburn antique shop.

The Ark was stumbled upon by store owner Malcom Fudgewick, whilst he was doing his yearly stock audit.
"It was certainly a surprise.. there it was at the back of my store room, just between the holy grail and the original painting of Mona Lisa".
Experts who have looked at the 'Ark' has so far been failed to be convinced, 'it's a rubber dinghy with 'ark' painted on it, for fucks sake" said one of them.
Another was quoted as saying, "I've been 'had'..AGAIN. I thought it would be odd to find the ark here, as Noah never went north of Watford, as far as I know"
But Mr Fudgewick ws last night unrepentent, "I'm Unrepentent", he said.
Other reports that Mr Fudgewick had also found Christ's cross, a live yeti and Lord Lucan, have also been laughingly dismissed.
Mr Fudgewick is currently selling tickets to the area 51 tour, which apparently includes an overnight stay at the Hotel California and has Elvis Presley as the tour guide.






'Chuck Norris is a 'BIG GIRLS BLOUSE'- claims Freeones member.

The member, who cannot be named, but may or may not have the initials BB, is currently hiding in his fridge in the hope that his scent will be masked by the half-eaten korma that he left there last night..
No word has yet come from Mr Norris about the claim, but it is believed that the will likely kick, punch, scratch, crush and possibly disembowel the culprit
when he gets his hands on him.
Several Freeones members have formed a lynch mob and are determined to track down the disgraceful member.
It is expected that the true name and location of BB won't take long, as his name an address can easily be obtained from the Freeones admin (for a small fee... or possibly some sexual favours).
Once captured, the lynch mob intend to start poking BB with cucumbers, remove his rep points and whip him with shoelaces, then hand him over to Chuck for the final smackdown.

 

[Montrealman]

Happy to see this back.
Happy to see Tunsty back too! :thumbsup: