Need some ex-girlfriend advice

[ToastedOats]

My girlfriend broke up with me in July and we had been together for 2 years and 8 months.

Here recently, I had a birthday and she called me two days before it to see how I was doing, the day of my birthday to sing to me and then the day after too.

I've told her that I want to get back together and that I still love her and have feelings for her. Before you tell me to forget about her, please try to place yourself in my shoes.

Last night, going out to the bars, I was in my buddy's car and we stop off at the cash machine. Well, guess who the fuck was on the other side of the road walking with a guy? Her, my ex. They weren't hanging off of each other and they looked like they were just talking, so I figure they're going to go down to one of the bars and have a drink (we're in college and she has class at 8AM and doesn't stay out late).

I really started to panic and freak out about this. What is some advice you can give me? At worst, she's seeing this new guy, but it could be its just a friend she's made who wanted to go out, because I've made some friends who I go out with and they happen to be girls.

She told me that she wasn't ready for a relationship, so I highly doubt that she's going to end up dating this guy, but I also freaked out at the possibility of that happening and didn't know what to do. I'm going to ask her today to see if she'd like to hang out on Sunday before I have to go to work, so I will be talking to her, but I won't mention seeing her unless she brings it up in which case I'll say that I didn't see her.

I really want to get back together with her, and feel like I've given her space and time. What else can I do to make her feel comfortable and think about getting back together with me?

I don't want her to say that she's completely done with me.:helpme:

 

[No_Man]

Speaking as one who did almost the exact same thing in college myself, I can tell you from experience that you are going to push her further away. Guaranteed. You are obviously still deeply in love with her and it will be blatantly obvious in everything you say and do, no matter how hard you try to cover it up. She had 2 1/2 years of evidence going into her decision that she doesn't want a relationship with you. One more pseudo-date is not going to change that verdict. LET HER GO.

 

[NIN_06660]

She told me that she wasn't ready for a relationship

she's lying

they all say that, and it's all bullshit. Trust me, because I know how you feel...I was with a girl for a little over 3 years and she told me the same thing after she left me, and now I know she's with another dude

 

[Spleen]

^ You were with a girl for 3 years and she told you shes not ready for a relationship? Did she think you were just friends that whole time?

Forget breaking up, I'd get her sectioned.

 

[carl72]

Super advice by the last guy.

No I won't tell you to forget about her. You won't. I will tell you to use the whole thing as motivation to do things better and different and choose better the next time.

Having more women than you know what to do with will cause you to forget about this one.

May I ask how old you are?


Look at it this way, you having feelings for her and showing her that you still want her in the way that you do created the result of her hanging out with another guy. Your behavior obviously isn't having the desired effect, so do the opposite and simply have no contact with her.

That is your only chance to get her back and it is highly unlikely even then.

Remember this: Women simply don't care.

One other thing, I was in your exact shoes a few years ago, feeling very similar to how you describe. My ex would tell me this guy was a friend or that guy was a friend. It was complete bull shit. Attractive women don't have straight guy friends who don't want to bone them.

These guys use the friend angle to stay in the game and then pounce when they see an opening. They couldn't close the deal, so they use "friend" to stay in the girl's life until they can get an opportunity. That's the reality.

Women tell you crap like they are "friends" because they want to keep their options open and love the attention from all these guys.

Be above all that phoniness and go meet many women and you start doing the choosing and weeding out. It's a new day for you. Look at it that way!

 

[NIN_06660]

^ You were with a girl for 3 years and she told you shes not ready for a relationship? Did she think you were just friends that whole time?

Forget breaking up, I'd get her sectioned.

she's young and irrational...shit happens...

 

[NIN_06660]

Remember this: Women simply don't care.

Women tell you crap like they are "friends" because they want to keep their options open and love the attention from all these guys.

:glugglug:

 

[DOA82]

What she does after breaking up with you is her business. If she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you. Let it go and dont force the issue on her unless you want to lose her as a friend as well as already having lost her as a partner!

 

[carl72]

With respect DOA,

The last thing this gentleman needs is a friend that he wants to go to bed with.

She is no more a friend to him than his worst enemy at this point.

Whether or not they ever become friends should be the least of his worries.

He needs to worry solely about himself and moving on with new women.

The exact same mindset that his girlfriend has taken on with regard to other men.

 

[ChefChiTown]

Last night, going out to the bars, I was in my buddy's car and we stop off at the cash machine. Well, guess who the fuck was on the other side of the road walking with a guy? Her, my ex. They weren't hanging off of each other and they looked like they were just talking, so I figure they're going to go down to one of the bars and have a drink (we're in college and she has class at 8AM and doesn't stay out late).

Obviously, you are the one who ultimately has to make your own decision, but...

If you are both in college, I would just go right ahead and chalk this relationship us as being over and done with.

I'm speaking in general terms here, but most girls (and guys) that I see who are in college do nothing but jump around from person to person as they are "trying to find themselves". Obviously, they are just horny little fucks and use the "trying to find themselves" excuse to try and justify their sexual exploration...I would find someone else.

 

[DOA82]

With respect to you as well, I am not implying he should pursue this woman in any fashion other than is civil. We all have exes, we all linger a while for them and seeing them move ahead of us disturbing since it reflects on us that we are so easily forgettable and replaceable and our desire to continue to chase them and win them back is born of our same fears that we cant find love elsewhere and find safety in the familiar.

It is better to keep an ex at arms reach, remain friendly but distant. That way lingering feelings can be aired and left to die of their own accord, while you can chase bigger and better fish.

Fear will hold you back, rubbing your gorgeous new girlfriend in your exes face will set you free!

 

[meesterperfect]

^ yeah man.
Poster, tell her one more time how you feel and what you wan't.
Make sure you get her to tell you what she wants.
This will make you feel like you didn't just give up.

After that let it go, see what happens.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NBegquhJRM

Like chef and some others said, girls today are just that, girls.
It sucks that in the states its so hard to find a girl who has her head together but don't let someone else decide the fate of your happiness.

 

[carl72]

Very well put DOA.

As an example. When any of mine call of email me, I project a busy person going places. A person with infinite options. Because that is what I am.

I don't phoney around trying to buddy up hoping to become their boyfriend again.

I am friendly but detached from wanting any result from them.


You'd think they would not call anymore. After all I am projecting zero interest. But actually it is exactly the opposite. They call more!!

I couldn't buy a call from them when I behaved like our subject in this post.

I think there is a huge lesson right there.

In my experience, more attractive women who have guys hitting on them by the hour want what is wanted by other women and they all like to try to prove themselves to men. If you are calling them, buying them stuff and pining over them like every other guy, what's left for them to prove? You are no challenge.


If these guys feel they must have one girl as a "girlfriend" or whatever, I would just tell them to keep being a challenge and don't become total wussies.

Keep being men.

 

[ToastedOats]

I appreciate the advice, especially about the getting a new girlfriend. I'm 23 years old.

The problem for me is that in our past conversations, I have told her how I feel about her and she keeps talking to me.

One Saturday I took her out to get a beer and we just talked about normal non-relationship stuff. When I took her home I just plainly told her how I felt. I told her that I love her and care about her and that I was sorry that I freaked her out (she thought I wanted to get married and have kids, settle down and be living some little married life and also she was freaked out that I was sooo committed to her in it seemed my life was planned around her). I told her that I was sorry that I freaked her out and that I want to give her that time and space that she needs to feel comfortable to make a decision, either way.

She said she wasn't sure what to think and that she wasn't sure if she wanted a relationship with anyone. She's not one that just wants to go get laid, she waited 5 months to see if I wanted to do anything sexually. Even three months in, she said she wanted to get to know me better.

She had 2 1/2 years of evidence going into her decision that she doesn't want a relationship with you.

She also had two weeks of bad stuff happen to her. A close family friend died after having a stroke and going into a vegetative state, she was moving out of one house and into another and the old house people were telling her that they owed a lot more money than they did and she was having a rough time at her summer job. Shitty reasons I know, but that's what was going on. The family friend dying was what did it for her. She said that because he was only 40 and didn't find someone he truly loved, she was afraid that that was going to happen to her for some reason. Our relationship had gotten dull due to lack of fun activities and spontaneity which I realize is a huge thing in a relationship and I want to show her that she can have it all with me.

I'm afraid, that is true. What I am afraid of is that I have lost the girl who I love. I don't want to rub new girls in her face, I want her to see that she made a mistake and that she can correct it and it can be better than before, as I am a better person than before. I'm not a desperate guy either. I don't call her every day and text her or that kind of stuff. I realize that I want her in my life because of how great I feel we are together.

My friends said that since she just got out of a 2 year 8 month relationship that I shouldn't worry about this guy she was walking with last night. He will more than likely become just a friend and due to the fact that she isn't sure what she wants and doesn't think she wants a relationship. I think I know who it is, but even if it wasn't the person I think it is, I need to remain calm.

Is not talking to her a good idea? If so, why? I want to talk to her so badly and have her around so that she sees that I've become a better person than before. I want her to realize that she made a mistake.

I really feel strongly about getting back together and want that as my end result. I would just like some advice on how to get there, or what not to do. I appreciate the advice to move on, but that isn't what I want. I want to be back together with her.

 

[ToastedOats]

As an example. When any of mine call of email me, I project a busy person going places. A person with infinite options. Because that is what I am.

I don't phoney around trying to buddy up hoping to become their boyfriend again.

I am friendly but detached from wanting any result from them.


You'd think they would not call anymore. After all I am projecting zero interest. But actually it is exactly the opposite. They call more!!

I couldn't buy a call from them when I behaved like our subject in this post.

I think there is a huge lesson right there

That's what happened to me I feel. She called me after that Saturday (even though I asked her to call me Monday), she called me Friday saying she had meant to call me and that she wanted to see how I was doing. She called me on that Friday to say hi and see what I was up to and she told me that she talked to a friend of hers who I had texted the night before about advice, because my parents are splitting up. Well, my ex assumed that I was asking about her and she didn't know why I texted this friend. I told her that it wasn't anything she could help me with but she insisted on knowing, and when I told her, she wanted to come over. I said no because I didn't want to confuse her sympathy for anything more than that. She ended up coming over and we talked about my situation for a few minutes and then about stuff in general. Didn't talk about our breaking up really though.

Then she called me on my birthday two days later and her and her family wished me a happy birthday. Her little brother has the same birthday and she had asked me on Friday when she came over if I wanted to go help pick out a b-day gift. I told her no.

Monday came and she called me again and asked how my party went. Just wanted to talk to me is what she said. Then Tuesday and she sent me a text asking if I wanted to get a pedicure for my birthday (I have never had a pedicure). I worked the day she suggested, so she said "maybe another time" and I asked her if she wanted to do something that Wednesday night, and she said no. But she was at the same bar I was on Wednesday dancing with her roommates. I had told her that I was going to be there on the Saturday that I took her to beer. I went down to the dance floor and saw some friends of mine (who happen to be girls) and when I got done saying goodbye to them, she came out of the crowd and hugged me and said it was nice to see me. I talked with her for a minute or so and told her I had to go to find my friend whose going away party it was, and she said she'd talk to me later.

That coming Sunday, I sent her a text asking if she liked the music and whatnot, she said yes and she was bummed that the band wasn't going to play there anymore. Then she asked if I liked it too and I said yes it was very danceable and she didn't reply after that. Next time I saw her she was on her way downtown walking with this guy. I felt so sick and panicky.

 

[ChefChiTown]

My friends said that since she just got out of a 2 year 8 month relationship that I shouldn't worry about this guy she was walking with last night. He will more than likely become just a friend and due to the fact that she isn't sure what she wants and doesn't think she wants a relationship. I think I know who it is, but even if it wasn't the person I think it is, I need to remain calm.

When my ex broke up with me after we had a 3 year relationship, she was out and about at the clubs the following week, trying to move on with her life. You have to remember that she broke up with you, not the other way around. She made the break, which is the tell-tale sign that she is moving on with her life.

Is that guy going to be "just a friend?" No...there is no such thing as "just a friend." It's a myth.

Is not talking to her a good idea? If so, why? I want to talk to her so badly and have her around so that she sees that I've become a better person than before. I want her to realize that she made a mistake.

Not talking to her isn't a good idea at all. It's a great idea. Personally, I'm in a big emotional mess with an ex because I still talk to her. When I used to not talk to her, everything was so much better. But, now that I've made the choice to pick up the phone and keep in contact with her, my emotions have run rampant and there's not a whole lot I can do about it know. Not talking to her would be for the best, IMO.

As far as wanting her to realize that she made a mistake, that's all on her dude. You can't do anything about it. To be blunt, what if she isn't making a mistake? Maybe leaving you was for the better (for her). I'm not saying that be a dick, but if you really love her, you might want to consider her needs for a moment.

My ex broke up with me about 6 years ago and it wasn't until recently that she has come to realize that she made a mistake. Maybe your (ex)girlfriend will do the same, but you can't force it or try and make it happen. You have to let her come to that realization on her own.

 

[carl72]

T.O.

You obviously have a big heart and that is a great thing. It is great that you really care.

But,

Trust me (you don't know me, but trust me anyways lol), you will progress 5 years forward and look back on this and see it completely different.

Consider judging this girl completely on her actions. Like you would your guy friends or anyone else. Avoid the temptation to delude yourself. Wipe away all the circumstances and alibis that might exist in her life and view her actions alone.

Ask yourself this: Is this the behavior of someone who loves me and wants to be with me?

Those same excuses would not get used by you or her to justify her behavior if the answer were yes.

Her actions say she doesn't care really.

This is accelerated learning you are going through right now.

I went through it. Most men have to. The reality is that women especially attractive American women, don't have much regard for people around them. Basically, they don't have to be concerned about being high character because there is always another schmuck out there who will give them a pass.


You come out of this better and better with women. Just let it happen and get new prospects.

Right now you have "theoneitis" It's a disease that befalls most every man when they get fixated on a result with one woman and they quite trolling for better. It's not your fault.

This girl is old news.

You're better than this.

 

[RevDrDark]

Move on, though it hurts. Get something else going with someone new, even if it is just casual. You have to move forward.

 

[minidog]

Remember this: Women simply don't care.

hes right we dont
move on she has

 

[FreeThugz]

Not talking to her isn't a good idea at all. It's a great idea. Personally, I'm in a big emotional mess with an ex because I still talk to her. When I used to not talk to her, everything was so much better. But, now that I've made the choice to pick up the phone and keep in contact with her, my emotions have run rampant and there's not a whole lot I can do about it know. Not talking to her would be for the best, IMO.

IMO this is the best piece of advice you can take. I have been having sex on and off with a girl casually for about a year, now I aint looking for a girlfriend but this girl is just so nice she aint a bitch at all one of the nicest people I have ever met and I really like her. But she told me upfront she wasnt looking for a relationship which is fair enough and I went along with that but once I got to know her I realised I really liked her. So after a few months I asked if this could ever go any further and she said she didnt know, so I just told her we should just leave it as it was just fucking with my head.

Now I hadnt saw her at all this year untill I got a phone call from her about 6 weeks ago on a Saturday night asking if she could come around to my place, so I said yeh. We had sex it was really good but then all my feelings for her were there again but nothing had changed from her, I heard from her occasionally but that was it. So I just sent her a text telling her how I felt and said that I wouldnt contact her anymore as it was just too painful if she didnt want a relationship.

So now I just keep myself busy by going to the gym more and keep my mind occupied and eventually you will move on trust me. For me you cannot be friends with a girl you have feelings for it is just a head fuck. :2 cents: