Iamforever
Banned
i see what he said as a spurned husband.
Marriage a worthless institution ?
- Thread starter CaDDaFy
- Start date
i see what he said as a spurned husband.
Couldnt have put it better myself!! I have just recently turned 40 and up until now have never found somebody that I have been truly happy with. There have been many Ladies in my life but I have never thought of any of these as potential wives. I have been with my current Lady for the last 7 years and it is only just recently that I have have considered marriage and spending the rest of my life with her....
I had to be sure!!
The fact that a lot more than 1/10,000 marriages seem to work out great and are very successful, even today, would seem to go against what you are saying.
You also seem to be trying to quantify things that are impossible to do that with. Let alone a lot of those things are subjective to begin with. Things like love and commitment can't always have a number put on them. To some people you can't love more or have a greater commitment to that person, you just have it. It's either that or all those people that have made it work should play the lottery because they blow those odds away.
My point was that many people marry with the illusion that they have found their 'soulmate'; their 'true love'. That says to me that they believe they have found the best person for them. And out of all of the people they know, that may be true.
But what I am typing is that the number of people they could possibly know before they make that statement is tiny. So for them to say things like 'my one true love' is naive in the extremis.
Now if they are saying that they love the person they are with and they wish to start a life with them? Fine.
But they should keep an open mind about it.
Because if they are going into it thinking that there is no chance that they or their partner will ever during the many years of their marriage find someone more compatible; then the numbers are against them and that. Especially, if one or both of them tends to meet many new persons during the normal course of their lives.
That is why - IMO - one should look upon marriage as a compromise, not an ideal.
And their is nothing wrong with a compromise, so long as everyone understands that going in.
And to Iamforever. I am not a spurned husband. I have never been married, though I have been engaged. And as far as I am aware, never been fooled around on (or fooled around on them).
That is mostly true. I do not believe in settling. And I truly believe that most marriages are made up of two people that settled.
And with divorce rates over 30%, many obviously did. And those are just the people that finally admitted that they needed to end it. I think we all know couples that stay together but really do not seem to be very compatible. But fear of starting over or being alone or losing their children or money or numerous other reasons keep them together - but not love.
Ask any prostitute what the marital status of most of her clients are. I would bet she will say at least 80% are married. And their are ALLOT of prostitutes in the World.
Marriages can encourage commitment. But they cannot manufacture love. And if I am not deeply in love with my wife, then I do not wish to be married to her - unless we both understand the limitations of our relationship.
But that is a compromise I hope I never make.
BNF
Ex-SuperMod
Leave it to the old guys (Mc and jdb) to give good advice. :thumbsup: 
For me, a long term relationship (whether you are married or not) can be difficult because over time both people grow and change. The difficult part being if they grow and change in different ways. If you are married in that case (of "roads parting"), when and what do you do when you realize it?
My parents generation stuck it out and remained married. Whether or not they were happy was besides the point. Now, I think, that there is not enough of that gumption to try and stick it out. For 20 years or so (arbitrary number), it's been more - "it's not perfect and easy, so I'm outta here".
I think that it will come full circle to a middle point. A point where you can say, like a surgeon, "I did all I could but I couldn't make it work." and then get divorced.
I totally agree with McRocket when he says that "I have never been more unhappy then when I was with the wrong person.". I've been there. The gray relationship clouds everything and gets worse as the months or years go by. You can, I think, even lose yourself in that situation. You can become so used to the fighting, arguing, lack of communication, lack of meaning and coldness, that it becomes your normal day to day. For me, it took a weeks vacation with a friend, in a country with beautiful, friendly women to see my way clearly again.
So, I don't think that marriage is worthless, if both people understand and define marriage the same and have the same idea that the rules and definitions they set for themselves today may very well change with time.
For me, a long term relationship (whether you are married or not) can be difficult because over time both people grow and change. The difficult part being if they grow and change in different ways. If you are married in that case (of "roads parting"), when and what do you do when you realize it?
My parents generation stuck it out and remained married. Whether or not they were happy was besides the point. Now, I think, that there is not enough of that gumption to try and stick it out. For 20 years or so (arbitrary number), it's been more - "it's not perfect and easy, so I'm outta here".
I think that it will come full circle to a middle point. A point where you can say, like a surgeon, "I did all I could but I couldn't make it work." and then get divorced.
I totally agree with McRocket when he says that "I have never been more unhappy then when I was with the wrong person.". I've been there. The gray relationship clouds everything and gets worse as the months or years go by. You can, I think, even lose yourself in that situation. You can become so used to the fighting, arguing, lack of communication, lack of meaning and coldness, that it becomes your normal day to day. For me, it took a weeks vacation with a friend, in a country with beautiful, friendly women to see my way clearly again.
So, I don't think that marriage is worthless, if both people understand and define marriage the same and have the same idea that the rules and definitions they set for themselves today may very well change with time.
Iamforever
Banned
And what was, in your eyes, so 'worst' about it?
Facetious
Moderated
Yet another reason marriages fail, IMO, is that there's such a great deal of ambient distraction, media influence i.e. Cable & Satellite TV - How many channels now (?). Huge malls, dumbed down educators, magazine racks that run 6 - 8 rows 50 - 60' in length among others. We're so liberated, we're separated . . . get it ?
Some of you, in the states, probably don't remember UHF / VHF Television, the 'ol television antenna mounted above a 20' mast on the roofs of most homes (?) Or worse - Those rabbit ears type for indoors (?) All told - only good for about . . . what 8 - 10 channels if you were lucky ! Could you imagine getting by on that ? ! Today there are among hundreds of channels to choose from. If you don't think television has any profound influence on culture, just look at those peoples in the world who don't have such options. I'm not say they're better off ! Many are, of course, subjugated, however, there's less (if any) infidelity . . . why ? it's unheard of !
Again, not willing to trade places, under any condition, but look at the birth rates of those in the world, less liberated than ourselves.
Notice how they actually pro create ? Two, Three, Four, Five children ? The way we're going, we'll be a distant memory in two generations.
To cut to the chase, IMO, there becomes a point of no return, I'm sorry to say. The West is rapidly resembling the likes of the Weimar Republic, if you know that story.
'Nuff of the garbage "Cheat On Your Hubby - Have Sex With Your Girlfriend Instead" magazine racks at the grocery checkout line. Oh, the good 'ol days when your wife's "girlfriend" had another meaning. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should !!
Dos centavos :tongue:
Some of you, in the states, probably don't remember UHF / VHF Television, the 'ol television antenna mounted above a 20' mast on the roofs of most homes (?) Or worse - Those rabbit ears type for indoors (?) All told - only good for about . . . what 8 - 10 channels if you were lucky ! Could you imagine getting by on that ? ! Today there are among hundreds of channels to choose from. If you don't think television has any profound influence on culture, just look at those peoples in the world who don't have such options. I'm not say they're better off ! Many are, of course, subjugated, however, there's less (if any) infidelity . . . why ? it's unheard of !
Again, not willing to trade places, under any condition, but look at the birth rates of those in the world, less liberated than ourselves.
Notice how they actually pro create ? Two, Three, Four, Five children ? The way we're going, we'll be a distant memory in two generations.
To cut to the chase, IMO, there becomes a point of no return, I'm sorry to say. The West is rapidly resembling the likes of the Weimar Republic, if you know that story.
'Nuff of the garbage "Cheat On Your Hubby - Have Sex With Your Girlfriend Instead" magazine racks at the grocery checkout line. Oh, the good 'ol days when your wife's "girlfriend" had another meaning. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should !!
Dos centavos :tongue:
It's not worthless. That's not the right word. Don't base your opinions largely on how you'd prefer your own destiny (married or whatever). It has the potential to become sacred and beautiful and the best thing two individuals (regardless of gender) could have before having children. At the same time, a critical modernist POV would prove it to be very problematic in this day and age for individuals to be tied down and to a certain degree alienate themselves from significantly contributing to a society suffering from moral decay. It's all about being selfish, being traditional, being subject to your family's desires, and so on and so forth. You can get philosophical with this shit.
great topic btw
great topic btw
squallumz
knows petras secret: she farted.
one of the problems is marriage has become disposable. at least, everyone treats it like that.
i think its fucking bullshit to keep in your mind that you could always get divorced. no wonder its 50/50 or whatever. divorce and marriage are just jokes now. its all fucking sitcom punchlines. i blame the media and the shit we watch for a lot of it. for basically making a mockery and a joke of marriage and the simplicity of divorce.
i dont believe in this disposable mentality and neither does my wife. if you're not ready to get married, then dont. if you never meet that perfect match, dont force it. i waited.
i think its fucking bullshit to keep in your mind that you could always get divorced. no wonder its 50/50 or whatever. divorce and marriage are just jokes now. its all fucking sitcom punchlines. i blame the media and the shit we watch for a lot of it. for basically making a mockery and a joke of marriage and the simplicity of divorce.
i dont believe in this disposable mentality and neither does my wife. if you're not ready to get married, then dont. if you never meet that perfect match, dont force it. i waited.
Remember this--human beings are animals. Out in the wild, in the animal kingdom, males have only one use for females-- to mate. They do not "stay" together. The male spews his seed within the female, then moves on. It would be against the natural cycle of the mamalian life to continue to be with that one female. Humans have that animal "instinct" within too-it is genetically pre-disposed within us- that it is against the natural cycle to habitate "together". How many bitter, single mothers state - "he was just a sperm donor" and that was it. Females need to reproduce, males move on. It is just natural evolution coming into play.
I wonder how many women you have given that 'speech' to after you had sex with them.
Just a thought.
S
sputnikgirl
Guest
Preach it, Rev. Squallumz! I'm with you - I don't think people take marriage seriously enough. "I can just get divorced" is a mental crutch, and is straight lazy. Marriage is work that most people don't want put their time into, in order to make it a rewarding experience. While the sexual "revolution" has been great for gay rights, it hasn't done much for heterosexual relationships, when it comes down to it.
Facetious
Moderated
Wouldn't you like to think that there's redemption somewhere ahead ?
Sir - You can be spiritual without being religious and tied up with a church. Churches, in general, have become far to political. Some go as far as breaking the very laws that we the people must abide by.
Religion or not, give yourself a little congrat :hatsoff:
for hanging tough for your kids.
Later, if you do get a divorce and your kids mature, believe me, they'll acknowledge the fact tat you didn't desert them.
Gotta Cheer up bro ! The guilt you would of carried for a happier, more independent wouldn't have paid dividends.
Hang tough chief
Wouldn't you like to think that there's redemption somewhere ahead ?
Sir - You can be spiritual without being religious and tied up with a church. Churches, in general, have become far to political. Some go as far as breaking the very laws that we the people must abide by.
Religion or not, give yourself a little congrat :hatsoff:
for hanging tough for your kids.
Later, if you do get a divorce and your kids mature, believe me, they'll acknowledge the fact tat you didn't desert them.
Gotta Cheer up bro ! The guilt you would of carried for a happier, more independent wouldn't have paid dividends.
Hang tough chief
Thanks for the kind encouragement. My wife is a good person/mother. She was just never the right person for me. Never fulfilled me or satisfied me even after numerous attempts to discuss this. I laugh and feel better with those at work and even made a foolish, embarassing pass at a younger co worker, I believe as a result of disinterest on my wife"s part.
I, also, am not faultless. I have many failings and I admit to them. Nevertheless, I have a good profession, absolutely no debt, provide my children with private education, have all the toys and a considerable stock portofolio. I have much to lose. Trapped feelings? You bet, but what am I to do? I shall "tough it out."
Bingo. Kids are exquisitely sensitive. Better to end an unhappy union than to have that union's children marinate in the unhappiness.
I completely agree.
As another one, I concur.
yes