I want to laugh!!! Am like.. MEH... idk! does anyone knows any good jokes!? :nanner:
I need a GOOD JOKE!
- Thread starter The perfect 1
- Start date
PirateKing
█▀█▀█ █ █
knock knock
Ace Boobtoucher
Founder and Captain of the Douchepatrol
Just read any of the political threads and look at all of the biased partisanship.
How about the old "invisible man" joke?
Superman is flying over Metropolis, searching for bad guys.
His super-view spots Wonder Woman tanning naked on the roof of a skyscraper.
Superman suddenly feels horny as fuck, so he starts thinking: "Damn, I really want to bang her, but she only has eyes for Batman... What can I do?"
Then an idea snaps in his mind: "Hey, I'm Superman, I'm faster than light, I can fuck her in less than a split second without being noticed!"
So he flies towards that hot babe and fucks her in 0,05 seconds...
As he flies away Wonder Woman suddenly gets up yelling: "What the hell was that?"
And the Invisible Man says: "Dunno, but my ass is on fire!"
:rofl:
Superman is flying over Metropolis, searching for bad guys.
His super-view spots Wonder Woman tanning naked on the roof of a skyscraper.
Superman suddenly feels horny as fuck, so he starts thinking: "Damn, I really want to bang her, but she only has eyes for Batman... What can I do?"
Then an idea snaps in his mind: "Hey, I'm Superman, I'm faster than light, I can fuck her in less than a split second without being noticed!"
So he flies towards that hot babe and fucks her in 0,05 seconds...
As he flies away Wonder Woman suddenly gets up yelling: "What the hell was that?"
And the Invisible Man says: "Dunno, but my ass is on fire!"
:rofl:
Will E Worm
Conspiracy...
Joke #1:
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
Joke #2:
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
Joke #2:
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
Here's one I heard by comedian Charlie Hill:
Question: How do you get a nun pregnant?
:dunno:
Answer: You dress her up like an altar boy
:hatsoff:
Question: How do you get a nun pregnant?
:dunno:
Answer: You dress her up like an altar boy
:hatsoff:
Read people's posts about Neocons.
Ace Boobtoucher
Founder and Captain of the Douchepatrol
Or the ones trolling for womins on a porn forum.
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar... WHAT?!? It could happen!!!
What has 9 arms and sucks?
Def Leppard
What has 3 legs and an asshole on top?
A drum stool
Def Leppard
What has 3 legs and an asshole on top?
A drum stool
habo9
Banned
A man goes into an Adult shop & asks for an inflatable doll
"would you like a black or white on?"
"white please"
"would you like a christian or muslim one?
"what the fuck has religion got to do with it?"
"the muslim one blows itself up"
--------------------------------------
Whats better than winning the special olympics?
Not being a retard
-----------------------------------------
Whats the best thing about schizophrenia?
A wank turns into an orgy
---------------------------------------
"would you like a black or white on?"
"white please"
"would you like a christian or muslim one?
"what the fuck has religion got to do with it?"
"the muslim one blows itself up"
--------------------------------------
Whats better than winning the special olympics?
Not being a retard
-----------------------------------------
Whats the best thing about schizophrenia?
A wank turns into an orgy
---------------------------------------
Philbert
Banned
A man is hired as a salesman at a new Megastore, where they sell everything imaginable under one roof.
The sales manager says to the new hiree, "After you put in a full day tomorrow, I'll come by and see how you are doing."
The end of the next day, the sales manager comes by to check up on the new salesman.
"How was your first day?"
The new salesman replied, "I sold one customer."
The sales manager replies, a little upset, "One customer? Most of our regular sales people sell at least 30 customers every day!"
"Yes," replied the newbee," but it was a sale of $132,600."
The sales manager was really taken aback. "Would you please explain to me how you sold one customer $132,600 worth of merchandise?"
"Sure," said the salesman, " At first I sold him a small fish hook, but then I sold him a medium one. After a minute, he decided to go with a large one. Then, we got him a nice rod 'n' reel for the fish hooks, and of course he needed a new Bass boat to go with his previous purchases. Well, he then needed a good boat trailer to put the boat on, and after that we went to the automotive department and set him up with a new Expedition to haul his new equipment to the water."
The sales manager was incredulous. "You mean to tell me a customer came here for a small fishook, and you ended up selling him bigger hooks, a rod 'n' reel, a new boat and trailer, and an Expedition?"
"No", the salesman said," He came in for some Tampons, and I said, 'As long as your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.' "
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room watching tv, and I said
to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some stupid
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
BITCH...
A successful rancher died and left everything to his
devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and
determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little
about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other
a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when
no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy,
figuring it would be safer to have him around the
house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours
every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks,
the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very
well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the
hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the
ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up
your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one
Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he
didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He
returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's
widow sitting by the fireplace.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my
blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did
as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did so,
slowly. "Now take off my socks." He did. "Now take off
my skirt." He did. "Now take off my bra." Again with
trembling hands he did as he was told. "Now" she said,
"take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and
off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If I ever catch you
wearing my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot".
(Start at the beginning of the Joke Thread in Members Only, and you'll die laughing.
After a while, people started repeating the same jokes over and over.)
The sales manager says to the new hiree, "After you put in a full day tomorrow, I'll come by and see how you are doing."
The end of the next day, the sales manager comes by to check up on the new salesman.
"How was your first day?"
The new salesman replied, "I sold one customer."
The sales manager replies, a little upset, "One customer? Most of our regular sales people sell at least 30 customers every day!"
"Yes," replied the newbee," but it was a sale of $132,600."
The sales manager was really taken aback. "Would you please explain to me how you sold one customer $132,600 worth of merchandise?"
"Sure," said the salesman, " At first I sold him a small fish hook, but then I sold him a medium one. After a minute, he decided to go with a large one. Then, we got him a nice rod 'n' reel for the fish hooks, and of course he needed a new Bass boat to go with his previous purchases. Well, he then needed a good boat trailer to put the boat on, and after that we went to the automotive department and set him up with a new Expedition to haul his new equipment to the water."
The sales manager was incredulous. "You mean to tell me a customer came here for a small fishook, and you ended up selling him bigger hooks, a rod 'n' reel, a new boat and trailer, and an Expedition?"
"No", the salesman said," He came in for some Tampons, and I said, 'As long as your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.' "
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room watching tv, and I said
to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some stupid
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
BITCH...
A successful rancher died and left everything to his
devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and
determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little
about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other
a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when
no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy,
figuring it would be safer to have him around the
house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours
every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks,
the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very
well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the
hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the
ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up
your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one
Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he
didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He
returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's
widow sitting by the fireplace.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my
blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did
as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did so,
slowly. "Now take off my socks." He did. "Now take off
my skirt." He did. "Now take off my bra." Again with
trembling hands he did as he was told. "Now" she said,
"take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and
off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If I ever catch you
wearing my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot".
(Start at the beginning of the Joke Thread in Members Only, and you'll die laughing.
After a while, people started repeating the same jokes over and over.)
I love those "Fight Started" jokes... Here's one of my favorites...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
...and another...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
