The coincidence and irony of this is just the ultimate. I guess I lost myself in my own arrogance and belief that my values would guide me true. After this, all I can say is that I'm A) humbled because I'm just one selfish fuck up of a man and B) a man without direction after all, reversing everything I've believed for 2 decades now.
Today was just three strikes in a row, and I am honesty a man without anything at this point. I'll pick myself up and move on, but I honestly don't think I will be able to go forward for awhile. I can't even begin to self-reflect on this, so I'll just put it out there. Comment if you want, I'll actually read it, especially since I can't even remotely get upset at anyone for what they say.
- Today I was escorted out and, pending writing (currently verbal), fired for "promoting an unprofessional environment" and "violation of the client's 'sexual harassment policy'."
Today I was my same, positive self at my client. Another representative for another vendor was at the client today too for the first time. When I met her, I kept it eye-level, and treated her like I would any professional. All I could tell is that she had a pleasing profile from the neck up, she wasn't small and she filled her dress well. The first hour with her was fine.
Then there was lunch. The replay in my mind is really no different than many other times. She commented how she was dieting. I asked why. She said she was fat. I commented that I didn't notice her being overweight. She pointed at her mid-section, opening her dress coat. I looked down and, still with full professionalism, said she did not look like she had any celluite. And it was pretty innocent there while we were waiting to give our order at the counter.
There were 6 of us, so while the 4 other guys grabbed a table, she and I actually sat together. The conversation when we sat down was actually technical. We chatted a good 10 minutes before our food came out. We ate. We got up with the rest of the guys and we left. Again, nothing wrong yet.
Walking back to the building, the conversation started up again after she commented that she felt bloated, and was afraid she looked fat. At first I was like, "i don't want to hear it" rather playfully. But then it got deeper, and I didn't (not sure if she didn't) realize we were already back in the office and heading towards our cube.
Then it started on how she used to be a size 6, and then it moved to her figure, and then I started looking, pointing and telling her how her shape was a hourglass, and how extreme her hips and chest were to her smaller mid-section and waist. Nothing sexual by myself, in fact, when she commented that, "well, at least guys like my bust," I simply replied, "it's unfortunately that many men just focus on that not realizing that the female presence has so many pleasing attributes as a whole." No big deal, right?
Okay, "big deal" as I would find out.
About 30 minutes later, when she went off to one of our labs, my boss came over and told me to visit security. I figured it was for some new access or something so I didn't think anything at this point. I went into one of the offices at security and I was asked for my badge quite bluntly. And that's when I thought there was some vendor-client dispute going on and maybe people with my firm were being sent home or something.
No, I was being sent home. I was told that my company had been informed by the client that I violated their policies, and my contract was to be terminated immediately. I was shocked. I assumed I had violated some security protocol or something, by accident, but they were under SEC or some other regulatory laws to suspend me pending investigation until I was cleared. That's when I was told I was being terminated for "promoting an unprofessional environment" and most specifically "violation of their 'sexual harrassment policy."
Yeah, I had an instant epiphany. I then just became limp and speechless. I was escorted back to my cube by 2 men from security to collect my things. During my collection, a colleague of my company came over and inquired what was wrong, and I just turned to him and said, "I don't think I can talk about it." I was escorted out.
I didn't wait for any phone call, I immediately called my company's manager and informed him of the incident. He said he had just been informed himself. He said there was nothing he could do, of which I told him that I didn't expect him to, and we basically agreed that I would write an apology to the client and CC my company so there was a written record of my shock but truthfulness and integrity at the same time, etc...
As I discussed with my supervisor, given my position in the industry, the role I play in my company and in the market where I consult, this is basically one of those "never hire this guy" type of things that is now stapled to my resume. In other words, it's going to be a long time before I get any solid work anymore, and I'm going to either be fighting for rare scraps, or I may possibly have to switch fields for awhile and "remake myself." But he understood that I knew full well that I only had myself to blame for this.
We concluded the call with his verbal notice that my company was terminating me with cause, but should anyone persue civil or criminal action against myself (not likely, but still a possibility), no one in my company would come forward of their own free will (i.e., unless they were subpoenaed),
- It got worse, I called my wife, and this time, she wasn't consoling, and she basically said she was already having "issues" with how I "treated" her anyway
My wife and I have a very honest relationship, so I don't lie, not even slightly. I told her what happened. She was beyond horrified, pissed and totally on my ass. I had never seen her react this way to me. In my prior, darkest hours, she had always stood by me, and even understood my views. But this time, she totally went off. And she was screaming, while at work, so it's safe to say her colleagues know as well.
She asked me question after question, and then commented after commented. There was no recourse I had, and I dared not hang up. I took it. I know I deserved it. And I wasn't going to insult her intelligence by trying to say "I love you" like it's supposed to many anything better. The D-word flew left and right, not sure if she would stick to it afterwards, but it was clear she meant it at those moments because she was so pissed off.
She reminded me that I had fucked both myself and her at the same time pretty hard. And just when I thought it was over, she was just getting started.
She started talking about this past weekend, and the other weekends, when we made love. She said I was too rough and not caring for her comfort. She said I had become too aggressive and was reading her wrong in the last year or so. She said I had been bruising her too much, and I actually pulled out some of her hair at times.
I was utterly shocked. I thought she had told me to be more aggressive. She admitted she asked me to be more aggressive, but that I was so forceful with her, she couldn't stop me at times. She said she tried to play with it, and maybe she sent the wrong signal, but she said it was, and I quote, "like fucking a rapist." She said I showed no respect for her comfort and just wanted to get myself off. She also made a comment, I'm sure to hurt me, about how I don't get hard enough anymore, and maybe that's why I'm always focusing on myself in bed, because I'm afraid I won't get off without a lot of prolonged effort, which is causing me to ignore her until I've finally gone (and it's too late for her).
I think what really did it is that she was pissed that I've been cumming in her mouth without warning her, and I've been very rough. A few times prior she had said she was "surprised" and said it was "okay" to do that on occasion, but she said everytime I do it she's thinking it's basically like I'm saying, "take it bitch, I don't respect you to ask if you want to take it or not before I do it." Again, I was shocked.
She said she has been shocked that I just don't care for her in bed anymore. She said she was shocked that I just seem to be concerned with getting myself off. She said I've been extremely arrogant in "fucking her because I'm a man," I guess I've said that one too many times. And she said that in bed, she felt like she didn't know me anymore, and I was definitely not the man she fell in love with.
But that didn't bother her enough to leave me she said. She said anyone can work through sexual issues. She said that even though she didn't think she knew me in bed anymore, and the only reason why she was sleeping with me was out of "marital obligation," she still thought she knew me outside the bedroom, and that was enough.
Enough until today. And now she said she didn't know me at all. And in the pause, she hung up on me. Yeah, talk about epiphany strike 2.
CONTINUED ...
Today was just three strikes in a row, and I am honesty a man without anything at this point. I'll pick myself up and move on, but I honestly don't think I will be able to go forward for awhile. I can't even begin to self-reflect on this, so I'll just put it out there. Comment if you want, I'll actually read it, especially since I can't even remotely get upset at anyone for what they say.
- Today I was escorted out and, pending writing (currently verbal), fired for "promoting an unprofessional environment" and "violation of the client's 'sexual harassment policy'."
Today I was my same, positive self at my client. Another representative for another vendor was at the client today too for the first time. When I met her, I kept it eye-level, and treated her like I would any professional. All I could tell is that she had a pleasing profile from the neck up, she wasn't small and she filled her dress well. The first hour with her was fine.
Then there was lunch. The replay in my mind is really no different than many other times. She commented how she was dieting. I asked why. She said she was fat. I commented that I didn't notice her being overweight. She pointed at her mid-section, opening her dress coat. I looked down and, still with full professionalism, said she did not look like she had any celluite. And it was pretty innocent there while we were waiting to give our order at the counter.
There were 6 of us, so while the 4 other guys grabbed a table, she and I actually sat together. The conversation when we sat down was actually technical. We chatted a good 10 minutes before our food came out. We ate. We got up with the rest of the guys and we left. Again, nothing wrong yet.
Walking back to the building, the conversation started up again after she commented that she felt bloated, and was afraid she looked fat. At first I was like, "i don't want to hear it" rather playfully. But then it got deeper, and I didn't (not sure if she didn't) realize we were already back in the office and heading towards our cube.
Then it started on how she used to be a size 6, and then it moved to her figure, and then I started looking, pointing and telling her how her shape was a hourglass, and how extreme her hips and chest were to her smaller mid-section and waist. Nothing sexual by myself, in fact, when she commented that, "well, at least guys like my bust," I simply replied, "it's unfortunately that many men just focus on that not realizing that the female presence has so many pleasing attributes as a whole." No big deal, right?
Okay, "big deal" as I would find out.
About 30 minutes later, when she went off to one of our labs, my boss came over and told me to visit security. I figured it was for some new access or something so I didn't think anything at this point. I went into one of the offices at security and I was asked for my badge quite bluntly. And that's when I thought there was some vendor-client dispute going on and maybe people with my firm were being sent home or something.
No, I was being sent home. I was told that my company had been informed by the client that I violated their policies, and my contract was to be terminated immediately. I was shocked. I assumed I had violated some security protocol or something, by accident, but they were under SEC or some other regulatory laws to suspend me pending investigation until I was cleared. That's when I was told I was being terminated for "promoting an unprofessional environment" and most specifically "violation of their 'sexual harrassment policy."
Yeah, I had an instant epiphany. I then just became limp and speechless. I was escorted back to my cube by 2 men from security to collect my things. During my collection, a colleague of my company came over and inquired what was wrong, and I just turned to him and said, "I don't think I can talk about it." I was escorted out.
I didn't wait for any phone call, I immediately called my company's manager and informed him of the incident. He said he had just been informed himself. He said there was nothing he could do, of which I told him that I didn't expect him to, and we basically agreed that I would write an apology to the client and CC my company so there was a written record of my shock but truthfulness and integrity at the same time, etc...
As I discussed with my supervisor, given my position in the industry, the role I play in my company and in the market where I consult, this is basically one of those "never hire this guy" type of things that is now stapled to my resume. In other words, it's going to be a long time before I get any solid work anymore, and I'm going to either be fighting for rare scraps, or I may possibly have to switch fields for awhile and "remake myself." But he understood that I knew full well that I only had myself to blame for this.
We concluded the call with his verbal notice that my company was terminating me with cause, but should anyone persue civil or criminal action against myself (not likely, but still a possibility), no one in my company would come forward of their own free will (i.e., unless they were subpoenaed),
- It got worse, I called my wife, and this time, she wasn't consoling, and she basically said she was already having "issues" with how I "treated" her anyway
My wife and I have a very honest relationship, so I don't lie, not even slightly. I told her what happened. She was beyond horrified, pissed and totally on my ass. I had never seen her react this way to me. In my prior, darkest hours, she had always stood by me, and even understood my views. But this time, she totally went off. And she was screaming, while at work, so it's safe to say her colleagues know as well.
She asked me question after question, and then commented after commented. There was no recourse I had, and I dared not hang up. I took it. I know I deserved it. And I wasn't going to insult her intelligence by trying to say "I love you" like it's supposed to many anything better. The D-word flew left and right, not sure if she would stick to it afterwards, but it was clear she meant it at those moments because she was so pissed off.
She reminded me that I had fucked both myself and her at the same time pretty hard. And just when I thought it was over, she was just getting started.
She started talking about this past weekend, and the other weekends, when we made love. She said I was too rough and not caring for her comfort. She said I had become too aggressive and was reading her wrong in the last year or so. She said I had been bruising her too much, and I actually pulled out some of her hair at times.
I was utterly shocked. I thought she had told me to be more aggressive. She admitted she asked me to be more aggressive, but that I was so forceful with her, she couldn't stop me at times. She said she tried to play with it, and maybe she sent the wrong signal, but she said it was, and I quote, "like fucking a rapist." She said I showed no respect for her comfort and just wanted to get myself off. She also made a comment, I'm sure to hurt me, about how I don't get hard enough anymore, and maybe that's why I'm always focusing on myself in bed, because I'm afraid I won't get off without a lot of prolonged effort, which is causing me to ignore her until I've finally gone (and it's too late for her).
I think what really did it is that she was pissed that I've been cumming in her mouth without warning her, and I've been very rough. A few times prior she had said she was "surprised" and said it was "okay" to do that on occasion, but she said everytime I do it she's thinking it's basically like I'm saying, "take it bitch, I don't respect you to ask if you want to take it or not before I do it." Again, I was shocked.
She said she has been shocked that I just don't care for her in bed anymore. She said she was shocked that I just seem to be concerned with getting myself off. She said I've been extremely arrogant in "fucking her because I'm a man," I guess I've said that one too many times. And she said that in bed, she felt like she didn't know me anymore, and I was definitely not the man she fell in love with.
But that didn't bother her enough to leave me she said. She said anyone can work through sexual issues. She said that even though she didn't think she knew me in bed anymore, and the only reason why she was sleeping with me was out of "marital obligation," she still thought she knew me outside the bedroom, and that was enough.
Enough until today. And now she said she didn't know me at all. And in the pause, she hung up on me. Yeah, talk about epiphany strike 2.
CONTINUED ...
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