Chuck Norris
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If he's a real Chuck Norris fan he'll give you a roundhouse... which means he liked it. :1orglaughhalo68 said:
My faves:
29. Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out fully solved.
40. When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
26. chuck norris owns neither microwave nor oven. when he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" at his food, and out of fear it instantly catches fire
X
xXx_birdy_xXx
Guest
:rofl2:
My favourite three:
33. On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.
36. It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
51. We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before they could tell him there was a stripper in it
:hatsoff: Jackson
My favourite three:
33. On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.
36. It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
51. We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before they could tell him there was a stripper in it
:hatsoff: Jackson
23. Chuck Norris doesn't shave, he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is chuck Norris
62. One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Ok I don’t these two contradict each other. I mean only Chuck Norris can cut Chuck Norris, so either one of these things isn’t true, or he roundhouse kicked himself in the balls. Not that I am saying that is wrong, because it is the Chuck Norris way, and there is only the wrong way and the Chuck Norris way.:1orglaugh
62. One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Ok I don’t these two contradict each other. I mean only Chuck Norris can cut Chuck Norris, so either one of these things isn’t true, or he roundhouse kicked himself in the balls. Not that I am saying that is wrong, because it is the Chuck Norris way, and there is only the wrong way and the Chuck Norris way.:1orglaugh
And there should be a sticky in every section:juballs said:
"Two words for those who don't read the rules: Chuck Norris."
:hatsoff: Jackson
Do you think we should start adding to these Chuck Norris sayings like:
The Olympic flame is powered by just one fart from Chuck Norris.
God had Chuck Norris part the Red Sea for Moses with one of his roundhouse kicks.
Chuck Norris can swallow a lump a coal and poop out a diamond.
Every time a bell rings Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks somebody.
Chuck Norris injects the toxin form Blue Ringed Octopuses and Golden Poison Arrow Frogs as recreational drugs.
Remember when Mt. Saint Helens blew up? You probably thought it was a volcanic eruption...nope. Chuck Norris just happened to be nearby when he popped one of his pimples.
Chuck Norris actually beat an army of Juballs Midgets back in 2001.
Chuck Norris likes making fat kids use his Total Gym just to see them suffer.
Satan doesn't want Chuck Norris to go to hell because he is afraid that he will take over.
The Olympic flame is powered by just one fart from Chuck Norris.
God had Chuck Norris part the Red Sea for Moses with one of his roundhouse kicks.
Chuck Norris can swallow a lump a coal and poop out a diamond.
Every time a bell rings Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks somebody.
Chuck Norris injects the toxin form Blue Ringed Octopuses and Golden Poison Arrow Frogs as recreational drugs.
Remember when Mt. Saint Helens blew up? You probably thought it was a volcanic eruption...nope. Chuck Norris just happened to be nearby when he popped one of his pimples.
Chuck Norris actually beat an army of Juballs Midgets back in 2001.
Chuck Norris likes making fat kids use his Total Gym just to see them suffer.
Satan doesn't want Chuck Norris to go to hell because he is afraid that he will take over.
qweretyuiopas@
Banned
Yes Ive seen these before and many others man there are like hundreds of these. Just when I think Ive seen them all....
some more...got these from another website..funny stuff
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris
can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse
kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered,
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the
crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f**k with
Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this
statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of
the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to
let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused
kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang
every girl in the stadium.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to
him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris
can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse
kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered,
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the
crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f**k with
Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this
statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of
the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to
let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused
kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang
every girl in the stadium.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to
him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull
member20672
Closed Account
HAHAHA, great additions CK. I was actually thinking about this thread the other day when I caught him on tv.
I have some more I thought up when I was working out and started daydreaming. I know some of them are lame, but I have to get them down before I forget them.
Yoda is bald because Chuck Norris nuggied his hair off.
To show how tough he was Chuck Norris once substituted an anal dildo with a cattle prod in front of a group of spectators then used it on himself.
Superman only has two weaknesses: kryptonite and....you guessed it....Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks.
Budweiser is produced from Chuck Norris' urine.
Women can impregnate themselves by rubbing Chuck Norris' spit on their bodies.
Chuck Norris got pissed off when his brother beat him out to be the guy they put on Brawny paper towel rolls. His brother has been mysteriously missing ever since.
The face on Mars is really an ancient Martian temple dedicated to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a stiff wire brush and sand.
Chuck Norris puts his pants on two legs at a time, just so he can be better than the rest of us.
The ice age really ended because Chuck Norris belched and through the worlds axis off its normal alignment.
Chuck Norris can run so fast that he can reverse the world’s rotation and go back in time.
Chuck Norris's sweat smells like potpourri and incense.
Chuck Norris was raised by a group of bears that found him as an infant. When he grew up he roundhouse kicked them and ate them raw because he didn’t like anything to have a face hairier then his.
Yoda is bald because Chuck Norris nuggied his hair off.
To show how tough he was Chuck Norris once substituted an anal dildo with a cattle prod in front of a group of spectators then used it on himself.
Superman only has two weaknesses: kryptonite and....you guessed it....Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks.
Budweiser is produced from Chuck Norris' urine.
Women can impregnate themselves by rubbing Chuck Norris' spit on their bodies.
Chuck Norris got pissed off when his brother beat him out to be the guy they put on Brawny paper towel rolls. His brother has been mysteriously missing ever since.
The face on Mars is really an ancient Martian temple dedicated to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a stiff wire brush and sand.
Chuck Norris puts his pants on two legs at a time, just so he can be better than the rest of us.
The ice age really ended because Chuck Norris belched and through the worlds axis off its normal alignment.
Chuck Norris can run so fast that he can reverse the world’s rotation and go back in time.
Chuck Norris's sweat smells like potpourri and incense.
Chuck Norris was raised by a group of bears that found him as an infant. When he grew up he roundhouse kicked them and ate them raw because he didn’t like anything to have a face hairier then his.
O.T. but I have to mention some things about Chuck Norris ven if what I have seen was somewhat funny:
Norris joined the Air Force after graduating from high school. During a stint in Korea, he began to study the Asian martial art of Tang Soo Do. After returning home, he worked for Northrop Aviation and moonlighted as a karate instructor. Two years later he was teaching full-time and running a number of martial-arts schools. His students included Steve McQueen, Priscilla Presley and the Osmonds. In 1968 he became the Professional World Middleweight Karate Champion, holding the title undefeated until he retired in 1974. He is a black belt in Tang Soo Do and Tae Kwan Do, both Korean fighting arts, and knows all forms of the martial arts. In 1969 he earned the Triple Crown for the highest number of tournament wins, and was named Fighter of the Year by "Black Belt" magazine. By the time he was 34, Norris had established 32 karate schools and had been a champion for six years. In 1996 he became the first Westerner to be awarded an eighth-degree black belt in Tae Kwan Do. Norris, who was urged to get into acting by his friend McQueen, skillfully incorporates his martial-arts knowledge into his series and feature film projects, stressing action and technique over violence. He is the author of the books "The Secret of Inner Strength" and "The Secret Power Within - Zen Solutions to Real Problems".
Chuck Norris's fight career lasted from 1965-1970. Norris started off by losing his first three tournaments, but by 1966 he was almost unbeatable. Among the numerous titles he won were The National Karate Championships (1966), All-Star Championships (1966), World Middleweight Karate Championship (1967), All-American Karate Championship (1967), Internationals (1968), World Professional Middleweight Karate Championship (defeating Louis Delgado on 24 November 1968), All-American Championship (1968), National Tournament of Champions (1968), American Tang Soo Championship, and the North American Karate Championship. Norris compiled a fight record of 65-5 with wins over champions Joe Lewis, Skipper Mullins, Arnold Urquidez, Ron Marchini, Victor Moore, Louis Delgado, and Steve Sanders. Of the five men to beat Norris, three were Allen Steen, Joe Lewis, and Norris's last career defeat to Louis Delgado in 1968. Norris retired as undefeated Professional Full-Contact Middleweight Champion on January 17, 1970, he was 30 years old.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_Norris
Chuck is awesome in my opinion.
Norris joined the Air Force after graduating from high school. During a stint in Korea, he began to study the Asian martial art of Tang Soo Do. After returning home, he worked for Northrop Aviation and moonlighted as a karate instructor. Two years later he was teaching full-time and running a number of martial-arts schools. His students included Steve McQueen, Priscilla Presley and the Osmonds. In 1968 he became the Professional World Middleweight Karate Champion, holding the title undefeated until he retired in 1974. He is a black belt in Tang Soo Do and Tae Kwan Do, both Korean fighting arts, and knows all forms of the martial arts. In 1969 he earned the Triple Crown for the highest number of tournament wins, and was named Fighter of the Year by "Black Belt" magazine. By the time he was 34, Norris had established 32 karate schools and had been a champion for six years. In 1996 he became the first Westerner to be awarded an eighth-degree black belt in Tae Kwan Do. Norris, who was urged to get into acting by his friend McQueen, skillfully incorporates his martial-arts knowledge into his series and feature film projects, stressing action and technique over violence. He is the author of the books "The Secret of Inner Strength" and "The Secret Power Within - Zen Solutions to Real Problems".
Chuck Norris's fight career lasted from 1965-1970. Norris started off by losing his first three tournaments, but by 1966 he was almost unbeatable. Among the numerous titles he won were The National Karate Championships (1966), All-Star Championships (1966), World Middleweight Karate Championship (1967), All-American Karate Championship (1967), Internationals (1968), World Professional Middleweight Karate Championship (defeating Louis Delgado on 24 November 1968), All-American Championship (1968), National Tournament of Champions (1968), American Tang Soo Championship, and the North American Karate Championship. Norris compiled a fight record of 65-5 with wins over champions Joe Lewis, Skipper Mullins, Arnold Urquidez, Ron Marchini, Victor Moore, Louis Delgado, and Steve Sanders. Of the five men to beat Norris, three were Allen Steen, Joe Lewis, and Norris's last career defeat to Louis Delgado in 1968. Norris retired as undefeated Professional Full-Contact Middleweight Champion on January 17, 1970, he was 30 years old.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_Norris
Chuck is awesome in my opinion.
I got some more to continue the legend that is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris jumps into lava to kill of the giant sized fleas he grows. Barring that he plucks them off and sells them as a culinary delicacy to the Japanese.
Chuck Norris once rode across the Atlantic Ocean in the belly of a whale.
Chuck Norris cannot be rebroadcast or redistributed without the express written consent of Chuck Norris.
The fear of God was never put into Chuck Norris, but the fear of Chuck Norris was put into God.
Chuck Norris likes telling kids they were adopted and Santa Clause isn't real...just for kicks.
Chuck Norris once figured the exact number for pie while he was sitting on the toilet.
The images of Chuck Norris have been seen in potato chips and oil smudges on parking lots for decades.
Chuck Norris holds the record for fastest time of getting to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop. He did it in 11 actual licks.
Chuck Norris jumps into lava to kill of the giant sized fleas he grows. Barring that he plucks them off and sells them as a culinary delicacy to the Japanese.
Chuck Norris once rode across the Atlantic Ocean in the belly of a whale.
Chuck Norris cannot be rebroadcast or redistributed without the express written consent of Chuck Norris.
The fear of God was never put into Chuck Norris, but the fear of Chuck Norris was put into God.
Chuck Norris likes telling kids they were adopted and Santa Clause isn't real...just for kicks.
Chuck Norris once figured the exact number for pie while he was sitting on the toilet.
The images of Chuck Norris have been seen in potato chips and oil smudges on parking lots for decades.
Chuck Norris holds the record for fastest time of getting to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop. He did it in 11 actual licks.
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