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This is going to be Roy Halladay's year!

I would have ****** out the second I saw my own *****. You're a better man than I, Gunga Din.

They get a taste of goddamn freedom is what they get. Heathen savages. It'll only be a matter of time before they're eating Tide pods and whining about college debt.

"Kiss Me" by Sixpence None The Richer is my favorite song.

I was just listening to "The Bonfire" on the comedy central channel on SiriusXM and they were talking about sad ****** ****; delinquent/absent/***** fathers, etc. And I got to thinking how lucky I was to have a ****** in my life for as long as I've been alive. He was always there for me in ways...

Unfertilized. And scrambled, Gordon Ramsey style. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUP7U5vTMM0

I used to love the personal pan pizza but then my tastes evolved and now I loathe Pizza Hut.

You ever tried Jeppsen's Malort? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKpt9eepl40

Rest in peace, Mr Hawking. We hardly knew ye. I mean aside from the See 'n Say voice and the awesome remote control wheelchair and that you had enough game to ditch your wife of thirty years for your nurse. Well done.

Damn, she's let herself go a little.

Stop encouraging him. I really want to see this movie.

Bosley. Totally worth it.

She had ear mites and scratched so vigorously that she burst a ***** vessel and almost caused cauliflower ear. The Vets drained it, inserted a disk and stitched it up; leaving a small drainage opening that has her walking a little cock-eyed (off balance). She'll be fine in a couple weeks.

I went to Crazy Pita earlier and ate me a large hummus by myself. No ragrets.

Mushrooms. I won't fucking touch them.

I grew a beard. Shot some zombie Nazis and my dog had to have some fluid drained from her ear. She's fine. Oh, and I finally went and got some hair replacement treatments.

Alright bitches, it's been forty days and I've had a few good meals. I cooked for sixty people on Saint Patrick's Day at my KofC council. I made my now infamous fish cakes; authentic Irish stew; a winter vegetable cobbler (that was fantastic, by the way); and of course, the least authentic...

Holy Thursday has arrived and I am done with the Lent bullshit. Peace out, bitches. What buttfuckery have I missed?

My yearly retreat from social media and this clusterfuck begins now. It's a weird year for the faithful. Ash Wednesday falls on Valentine's day and Easter is on April Fool's Day. What kind of buttfucking sorcery is this? I'll see you bitches in forty days.

For Lent this year, aside from giving up all social media, I've decided to cut back a little on my hatred for Grandpa Joe. I ***. FUCK THAT GUY! I'll see you bitches in forty days or so.

Last night I made Irish fish cakes with a remoulade; a yellow and zucchini squash salad with basalmic dressing and pralines; braised beef short ribs with roasted potatoes and carrots and Bob's favorite new panty remover (banana's ******). Best all-around dinner party I've hosted yet. Usually...

It's bullshit. I checked.

And then EIGHT MUTHAFUCKIN' years of President Pence!

Running list of things Trump admin has done that have already ****** you and everyone you love - HHS contraception mandate reversal - Net neutrality decision - Paris Climate Accords withdrawal - Tax cuts - Iran decertification - Jerusalem recognition - Nunes memo release

So misleading a judge in order to get a warrant to spy on a political campaign is no big deal? Got it. You're an idiot.

Happy Memo Day, bitches!!!

That's not tyranny. That's progressive snowflake projecting. And you want ******* aliens to come to the US? And what specific right is being taken away or infringed upon?

Is simmering cunt anything like a mewing quim? Asking for an Asgardian friend.

"Tyranny." What specific right has he infringed upon? I'll wait.

"Show me on the doll where the military touched you, Greg." Fucking douchebag.

INSTANT classic! Greg Gutfeld’s shredding of Dems’ #SOTU meltdown is PRICELESS #Schadenboner

LOL: GIF of Trump’s gesture to disgruntled Dems during SOTU guaranteed to give Schumer & Pelosi nightmares Holy fuck.

VIDEO: Luis Gutierrez triggered by ‘USA!’ chants, flees House chamber Holy fuck.

Dem Rep Brenda Lawrence Slams Trump For Focusing On "M-16" Street Gang Holy fuck.

Greg Guttfeld's twitter feed was a festival of Schadenboner. Holy fuck. POTUS was lit last night. He chapped the collective ass of 'progressives,' the NFL, the black caucus, MS-13, Venezuela, Cuba, NKorea, socialists and pretty much the entire #resistance. Winning.

Also, Manson and Hitler weren't right wingers.

As captain of the douche patrol, I will give you a nice recommendation to the selection committee but it takes more than a few instances of white knighting to earn that esteemed title. -meme creation and usage -Attendance at Thursday Night Puddin' Wrassling -Comfort with public nudity...

"You must spread some reputation around before giving it to El Diablo Blanco again." Also, CBS apparently cannot tell the difference between Texas and Kentucky.

Yeah, the cunts who shouted "Fuck Trump" are the same cunts who are upset with the alleged "Shithole" comment. The next seven years are going to be awesome.

'Bout freaking time, drunky.

Why u no liek muh banner?

Hey, when are you going to adopt the shitty banner I went to all the trouble of designing while sitting on the shitter?

See what I mean? Long live the King.

True, but since he is such a humorless dick about these things, I will honor the one who actually embraces his AHOTY status.

El Diablo Blanco, aka TheWhiteDevil pulled off a miraculous upset victory over four-time winner WillE.Worm. The difference between the two is dramatic. El Diablo will wear this title with pride and even adopt this shitty banner I created while sitting on the commode. Congratsturbations...

What am I missing?

Like Presidential records. But on the bright side, it does include a room for yoga, a test kitchen so his beard can continue to inflict horrible food on young people. Strangely, it doesn't feature plans for his favorite stuff, a men's only bathhouse.