I need advice on a strange situation

[SkiSki]

Hi everyone. First off, I would like to say thanks to anyone who replies to this thread with advice for me, it is greatly appreciated. I am in a very strange situation right now and I'm really not sure what I should do. I honestly have never seen a situation like the one I'm in ever before. Anyway, here's the story . . .

Back in school, I met and became friends with this girl. I hung out with her for a lot of high school and we were really good friends. I became very attached to her. I soon realized that I liked her as more than a friend. I had never had a crush on anyone before and it was all very new to me. It made me very nervous. But I couldn't help the way I felt about this girl. When I was around her I felt happy, and whenever I was away from her I wanted to be with her. Sometimes I would sit at my comp for hours waiting for her to sign on to msn so I could talk to her. Some of my friends told me I was obsessed with her, and that it wasn't a good thing. So, obviously I had to ask her out. Now, before I tell you what happened next, I need to explain some things about this girl. This girl has some emotional problems. She hates herself and she hates the way she looks. She believes she is ugly and fat, but in reality that is not true. But she is convinced that its true. She has low self-esteem and depression. She thinks no one can ever really love her because of the way that she looks and feels about herself. And because of this, she feels she cannot date anyone because of the way that she views herself. So when I asked her out, she obviously said no and became very nervous and afraid. I have always tried to help her out with her problems by telling her that she is attractive and the way that she views herself is wrong. But she won't listen to help. And now she has started to distance herself from me. It makes me very upset because of the way I feel about her. So now comes the reason I created this thread. What do you guys suggest that I do? I really want to go out with this girl and help her to like herself. So, what do you suggest I do next? ? ?

 

[senob44]

I would say that you should stay the course as far as being a friend and trying to help her. But, since you can't control what she does, you have to realize she might always be this way. Some people just can't be reached or helped. If I were you I wouldn't want to get sucked into this girl's emotional problems. Don't put your life on hold waiting for her to come around. I know it is cliche, but there are always other girls. You don't want to pursue this girl for years and then realize that there is no hope. As long as she knows you care for her, and she knows how you feel about her, that is enough. It might drive her away right now, but if she does change for the better, she will remember how you feel and probably come back into your life. But you have to realize right now that can't happen. She's unlikely to all the sudden have an epiphany and feel great about herself.:dunno:

 

[Torre82]

Wait until she's older.

Something I've noticed with all the younger crowd..
:oints at all the females I've dated that were younger than myself at whatever age I was when with 'em::

They're frickin' stupid. Now hear me out.. I love chicks. They're great.. they're necessary, they make life worth living if you find one of the right ones.

But they also need to f!ck up really badly to see just WHAT they have actually IN their lives, oftentimes. So she believes she's fat and depressed? Does she have a chemical imbalance? Is she only 30 pounds overweight?

Try waiting five years. 50 pounds and some antidepressants later she'll find herself really frickin' lonely and wishing she had actually said yes to someone that appreciated her.

Man, if I had a dollar for every self-loathing girl I've ever found myself in love with! Even the most well-balanced and confident girl has a plethora of issues with themselves.

So when you ask what to do with a girl who hates herself.. well damn, I've got no answers that're easy to hear. Especially if you really love her.

But.. one undeniable fact about humans is that they crave acceptance. So she's distancing herself from you.. so remind her every so rarely that you're waiting for her to come around and you'll be there if she needs someone to talk to. Then ignore her completely otherwise. No instant messages. No text messages. No phone calls. No talking at work. She just might come around.

Another really f!cked up thing with the chicks? They like guys that're already taken. You know when a girl feels most safe ane comfortable with a guy? When that guy tells 'em about their girlfriend. Man I cant even begin to tell you how many times I've been approached when I was already going with a girl. It's not just the fact that you find girlies when youre not looking for them.. it's not just the confidence you exude when you're getting *what you need*. It's how safe you appear to a girl when some OTHER girl already has approved you. Single guys.. are on the prowl. Regardless of if you throw a pick up line or stare at them a little bit in the bar. Girls can see if you're interested.

So want to make a girl jealous? Date someone else and then tell the girl you REALLY want.. all about the nice things you're doing with her.. and all the nice things the OTHER girl says about you. Dont make it look like bragging. Noone likes a braggart. But slide subtle hints to the girl and she'll come around. Or she'll just continue being depressed like she already is.

We cant change the way people feel directly.. but you can really try to throw the odds in your favor if you understand how emotional humans.. and women are. Take a psychology class or three. Learn what a girl wants and cater to it. Wanna know how to get your foot in the door? Cater to their bullsh!t needs.(I dont mean their needs are ALL bullshit. I mean some needs.. are just bullshit. Like one of my bullshit needs is to every so often listen to the Spice Girls, or eat peach oatmeal. Ya know.. things that are bullsh!t to EVERYONE but me. lol) Do they listen to some dickhead band or singer? Find out some info they didnt know and send it their way.

"Oh hey babe, Aaron Carter is coming into town on the twenty second. Yeah, I heard it from a friend at work."

So yeah, their music sucks. Yeah, the girl of your (current) dreams likes a total douche. But what're the chances of that douche actually banging your girl? Zero.

Who does the depressed girl talk to? Get friendly with THEIR friends. See what depressed girl has been complaining about and then act on that. People so rarely voice their own needs and concerns. If you know what they're going thru, just drop a few related tidbits to them if they call. I cant tell you how insightful it is.. to actually have one of my girl's friends call up at MY number.. and have them ask for my girl.. but I pick up the phone and just start chatting with them. I mean really, if the girl is lonely enough to make a call.. they're perhaps desperate enough to talk to just about anybody that picks up and enjoys their conversation. ANYWAY. Yeah, sometimes you can only find out about YOUR girl's problems through SOMEBODY ELSE! sucks, huh?!

A girl I know.. has a myspace page. The girl posts a blog every so often and she doesnt know I read any of it. So I read all about her confusion, and her workplace.. and all that good crap.. and then the next time or two I talk to her I think of some similiar situation I was in and then I just find an opportunity to bring it up and relate to her on a level she didnt know.. that I knew.. her on.

But just be yourself through it all. Just because people can be manipulated doesnt mean they're blind. I can guide a conversation and I can remind people of memories or songs that change their point of view in a second.. but if I start trying to act smooth or fake, people can see right through that bit. Be a controlled version of yourself and run things through the *What would I do in this situation? Okay, then that's probably what THEY would do* filter before you do it.

 

[bodie54]

I really want to go out with this girl and help her to like herself. So, what do you suggest I do next?

I'd sugget that you count your lucky stars. Her self-awareness of her lack of suitability for a romantic relationship is liable to save you untold misery. Being as you're willing, she could easily use you as a temporary emotional lifeboat - a safe port in a storm. Many others would, and believe me, you don't want to end up there. The role of 'savior' may feel noble (and self-gratifying) but it's fraught with peril and heartbreak, because no matter how good a guy you are or how hard you try you will NOT be able to fill her up enough for her to overcome her issues. Only she can do that, when or if she feels ready/able. And in the interim (and once again, no matter how good a guy you are) you'd be guaranteed to become a primary target for the acting out of those issues. Trust me on this - this situation is nowhere near as unusual as you might think.

You may be able to help her some as a friend, but only if you let go of (or totally back burner) your romantic impulses towards her.

 

[biscuit]

Some great advice for you from those guys. Funny as it seems, girls do like you more if you already got a girlfriend. Strange but true, took me a long while to come round to that fact. But indeed, you need to look at what is best for you. You've given her a lot of help and kindness, and if shes distanced herself from you, theres no need to pursue it. As painful as it sounds. She could actually hurt you more if you tried to go after her. Give her a friendly ear if she comes to you for it. But to be honest we're on your side here, and we just dont want you getting hurt by an emotional wreck. Take a logical look at it, its your first crush. Shes given you some very nice female company. You've been really good to her, but I didnt get much idea of what shes gone out of her way to give you, apart from her problems...

 

[AFA]

I'd sugget that you count your lucky stars. Her self-awareness of her lack of suitability for a romantic relationship is liable to save you untold misery. Being as you're willing, she could easily use you as a temporary emotional lifeboat - a safe port in a storm. Many others would, and believe me, you don't want to end up there. The role of 'savior' may feel noble (and self-gratifying) but it's fraught with peril and heartbreak, because no matter how good a guy you are or how hard you try you will NOT be able to fill her up enough for her to overcome her issues. Only she can do that, when or if she feels ready/able. And in the interim (and once again, no matter how good a guy you are) you'd be guaranteed to become a primary target for the acting out of those issues. Trust me on this - this situation is nowhere near as unusual as you might think.

You may be able to help her some as a friend, but only if you let go of (or totally back burner) your romantic impulses towards her.

This is some of the best advice I've ever seen here.

This is someone who needs a lot of attention and probably should be in counseling for a good long time. It's also not uncommon, but in reality there is little you can do about it. As far as your long term romance is concerned, it's probably got very little chance. As bodie suggests, the role of savior might give you a good deal of gratification and make you feel important, but that's the result of the recovery of a damaged soul anyway. While we tend to seek out people with common interests, we also seek out those with common problems. Two halves may seem to make a whole, but when we have two people, we shouldn't expect less than two wholes. You need to address your own issues before fixing hers. Likely her problems reflect some of your own and that's part of the magnet holding this together.

 

[shayd]

I'd say you should be there as a friend and if she doesn't want more just don't push it. I know this will be tough, but trust me, I've been through this situation before. Even with a girl who doesn't have things she needs to work out, when they decided they see you as a friend, ******* it will only make things worse. She obviously has some things that she needs to deal with in her life, and I think that the best course of action is to just let go of the desire (as hard as that is) and just be there if she needs you. If she continues to distance herself from you as a friend, then you'll be more than happy that you didn't pursue her.

I've had the same thing happen to me. In college I met a girl, and we became very close over the course of a year. Looking back, I can say I was basically her boyfriend for this period of time, I just never asked her out. But after about a year I started getting feelings for her. I debated for a month before I finally just asked her out. She said no, and I remember being devastated. But you know what? After about another 6 months, I was happy and I met another girl who I dated for about a year. Not only that, but I found the original girl to be more and more of a fake. She was just different and I didn't like the way we were. I was still amicable, but I never put the same effort in afterwords.

Moral of the story: let it go, there'll be more.

 

[Some_Girl]

What do you guys suggest that I do? I really want to go out with this girl and help her to like herself. So, what do you suggest I do next? ? ?

well dont buy into all the psycho babble wank about what girls are like and how to deal with their bullshit to start with lmfao most girls moan and whine about not liking the way they look and all that shite but you seem to explain it as if this girl has more deep rooted issues, in which case sweeping generalisations wont help you much.

i dont believe you can have a healthy relationship with someone who actually hates themselves so if you really care about her i would say you'd probably have to be her friend and only her friend until she sorts her **** out

 

[ChefChiTown]

One question...

Do you want to go out with her because you actually want to go out with her...or do you want to go out with her just to be a "hero" and make her feel better about herself?

 

[hostkeep1]

ive got a friend who feels almost the same way. eating issues and depression. she has a boyfriend, but she views me as her best guy friend. what she is really looking for is someone who she can turn to no matter what. so just be there for her and make her feel comfortable talking to you and gain her trust. i know it may seem hard, but if you really care for her, being a good friend to her may be what she needs most, even though you may want to date her.dont hang around hoping to be her boyfriend, hang around to be her friend.

 

[bob_smith404]

run! run as fast as you can! you might be able to help her (not likely), but most likely you will be seen as a 'freind' and not a lover. you have to remember that younger girls have brain damage (as do young guys, don't freak out ladies), and they often say what they think u want to hear. so she is probably all mopey and bummed around you, but happier when she is hanging out with her girl freinds. either way, when looking for a serious life partner, you need someone who respects you, and whom you respect, picking up chicks that 'need' you is just preying on the weak. find a girl who challenges you, frustrates you, flatters you, for gods sake, turn off the damn computer and go outside! you're better off finding an active girl who doesn't live in front of her computer.