Let me see... ways to be cool. I think you'll struggle to find anyone cooler (or indeed as delusional):
Motorcycles - I have a push bike (with stabilizers, spokeys and a bell) I call her Annabelle. I recently fitted a fleshlight under the saddle so that i can "ride" her whenever the need takes me.
Wear Cologne - I've been told my natural body odour acts much like a sexual pheromone and as such is a powerful aphrodisiac that attracts all manner of bitches. By bitches of course, I mean dogs. But that's ok. I like them "ruff-ruff".
HA! Cologne, I spit in your face. At that point I spat in my bosse's face who is called Colin. Coincidencedencedencedence? I think not. He said that not only do I have B.O., but also bad breath. He sacked me on the spot, had me arrested for assault and now my notorious B.O.G. (that's Body Odour Glory) attracts the top dog of the state penn who also happens to be called BO. Life's funny like that.
Move to Williamsburg - Is there a prison there? Maybe I can put in for a transfer.
Learn to speak European - I have learned to say "NO," "It Hurts" and "That's too Big" in all major languages. And of course screaming is global.
Grow facial hair - I have a hairy facial growth
Helmets - My purple helmet is a joy to be beheld. It's mainly held by myself. And only myself. Often.
Mowhawk - Having alopecia, this one posed a problem, however in the meantime, I've designed my facial growth's hair in such a style.
Designer shades - My shades are so designer that it just ain't fair to the rest of you. I designed them myself and forged them like a god of sculture from toilet roll tubes and sticky tape.
Subscribe to Vice - I do. I pay money to prostitutes aka subscribing to vice.
Psychrock - A guy by this name is trying to kill me. The music by this name will kill me.
Leather jackets - My straight jacket is leather.
Ambercroombie & Flitch - I mean what a doofus. This kid can't even get the names right. And he calls himself cool. Anyway, I digress. He obviously means the coolest films of all time, Amber's Story and Fletch.
Learn to play guitar - I am the guitar hero master.
Irony - I've no idea what this word means.
Become a band photographer - Been there, done that. In 2004 , I was arrested for taking piccys of my next door neighbours daughter and am now a fully fledged banned photographer. The law says so, so there.
Wear all black - all black is overrated and pretentious, now black and white stripes on the other hand is the way to go. I have had two sets of tops and pants issued to me by the warden. Also I'd like to give a shout out at this point to laceless plimsolls. Very cool and understated.
"Hollywood" - As in Frankie Goes To... Best group ever and for some reason makes me very popular among the other inmates.
Online friendships - Are there any other kind?
360's - Being an experienced boarder (at her majesty's pleasure) I find myself doing a lot of 360's as I get body searched. I am also adept at 180's as I have to turn and run away a lot. Other manoeuvres that come to mind are the squat, the snitch, and the 90 degree bend over. I break many bones performing these stunts.
Make my own movie - Appearences include Crimewatch UK, Cops, Judge Judy, Jerry Springer, Jeremy Kyle and YouTube.
EXXXTREME everything - A simple EXXXAMPLE of a day in my life: Got up with an EXXXTREME hangover. EXXXTREME projectile vomitting. EXXXTREME evacuation of the bowels. Received EXXXTREME beating from roommate (cell mate). Was given EXXXTREME anal insertion while in the shower room from an EXXXTREMELY big man. EXXXTREME tears.
Eat more meat - Being where I am, I can safely say that I have never eaten more meat.
Hang out with Steve - Since the incident in the shower, I am now at the beck and call of the EXXXTREMEY big man and hang around with him all day long. His name is Steve. or as I call him, EXXXTREME Steve.
I know, I know. You just can't help but be impressed. I don't even have to try. It all just comes naturally.
