Continued from above.....
* If your cracked out on Meth and have Graves Disease and are non compliant with your thyroid meds, don't go walking your two very hyper pit bulls at the same time, only to fall down a set of porch steps break your hip and be put in bucks traction because you cant have surgery till the doctor gets your big ole goiter on your neck under control first. And then don't get mad at the docs because your lying in agony for days!!!
* Don't go "running around in the baked potato patch" at night. You Might "trip and fall on a baked potato" and have to have it surgically removed.
* Do not see several doctors and get prescriptions for Ambien from each, then go park your car someplace and take all of them, wake up in an ER, and tell the staff, "How did I wake up? I did all this research on Ambien!" And then, don't make it worse by asking the ER doc, "Can you tell me what kind of sleeping pill will kill me?"
* If you get yourself drunk and decide to drive and roll your car, do not look up at your nurse in the ER and say "How come I never get the cute ones?" Your nurse will say, "Let me see what I can do," and go ask her older, overweight, balding, and bearded coworker to help her out......which he will do, gladly, when he finds out what you said.
* Don't smoke 4 packs of cigs a day for 35 years and then get mad at us when the doc suggests that lump on you chest X-ray is probably cancer. Do not then threaten to sue us because we can't fix it. Don't then have your wife yell at us that you just need a cig and you'll be fine, especially when you are on 100% O2 with sats in the 70's. If you then decide to take off the O2 cause you feel fine, don't expect to be standing long when you take that hike down the hall at full speed. You will get a tube in your airway!
* If you decide to shoot up crack, and you happen to be eating cantaloupe, don't accidentally mix the crack and the juice from the fruit together before you shoot up. You will get a big rash, chest pain, and might loose the arm!
* Don't get mad when the doc asks you if you would like him to "change the batteries while he's in there" in the 9 inch toy that needs to be surgically removed from your anus.
* Red delicious apple ARE FOR EATING, not gratification. Ditto for cucumbers, carrots, and zucchinis...
* If you decide to stop your anti-hypertensives because they make you impotent, keep the benefits of that decision between you and your wife. If you decide to take a mistress, you will have your stroke in her bed.
* When your big brother tells you that duct tape over your nose and mouth will force you to breathe out of your ears, don't believe him.
* Don't turn off your pump and remove the tubing becouse the machine is beeping. Then don't open the clamp becouse you decide you really need that med. You Might end up with a 20,000 unit heparin bolus in 20 minutes. You are now at risk for H.I.T (Heparin-induced Thrombocytopenia)
* Do not hang out, reading the Bible on the porch of the local house that you really honestly didn't know was a Crack house, at 3:00 AM, absolutely minding your own business....because "Some Dude" will come along and and shoot you for no apparent reason!
* Never get drunk and play William Tell ( put an apple on your head, stand in front of the barn door and let your drunk brother shoot the apple off your head with his brand new cross bow with steel tipped arrows.)
* Never build a pipe bomb in the middle of your living room with a lit cigarette sticking out of your mouth.
* Never use the veins of your penis to shoot meth.....or heorin... or coke. You'll end up with a staph infection in said appendage and then wonder how you are going to tell your wife, your girlfriend and the chick you are cheating on both of those women with
* If you decide to committ suicide, try to put your WHOLE head in front of the shot gun....not just your nose.
* When trying to look cool to all your homies, do not put a loaded automatic weapon down inside your pants.....or they might just call you "stubby" from now on.
* Never tattoo the name of a one night stand on your body.....or an ex-husband....or someone named HITLER.
* Try not to wash baby bottles out in the windshield wiper solution where the squeeges rest at the gas station.
* Never attempt do-it-yourself bovine artificial insemination. Some things are better left to the professionals...
* DO NOT step on a rusty nail, then go wading in a rancid creek and wonder why you end up with a REALLY nasty wound on the bottom of your foot.
* Never stab yourself 8 times in the chest/abdomen with a meat fork and then expect the nurses to be dumb enough to believe you "accidentally fell on it". Oh and then don't complain about how bad it hurts...
* Never ever drink turpentine from a whiskey bottle without checking what's in it first. If you do, you will do the dance of your life, and every time you burp for the next 6 months, you will taste that nasty turpentine.
Until next time folks.... :hatsoff:
* If your cracked out on Meth and have Graves Disease and are non compliant with your thyroid meds, don't go walking your two very hyper pit bulls at the same time, only to fall down a set of porch steps break your hip and be put in bucks traction because you cant have surgery till the doctor gets your big ole goiter on your neck under control first. And then don't get mad at the docs because your lying in agony for days!!!
* Don't go "running around in the baked potato patch" at night. You Might "trip and fall on a baked potato" and have to have it surgically removed.
* Do not see several doctors and get prescriptions for Ambien from each, then go park your car someplace and take all of them, wake up in an ER, and tell the staff, "How did I wake up? I did all this research on Ambien!" And then, don't make it worse by asking the ER doc, "Can you tell me what kind of sleeping pill will kill me?"
* If you get yourself drunk and decide to drive and roll your car, do not look up at your nurse in the ER and say "How come I never get the cute ones?" Your nurse will say, "Let me see what I can do," and go ask her older, overweight, balding, and bearded coworker to help her out......which he will do, gladly, when he finds out what you said.
* Don't smoke 4 packs of cigs a day for 35 years and then get mad at us when the doc suggests that lump on you chest X-ray is probably cancer. Do not then threaten to sue us because we can't fix it. Don't then have your wife yell at us that you just need a cig and you'll be fine, especially when you are on 100% O2 with sats in the 70's. If you then decide to take off the O2 cause you feel fine, don't expect to be standing long when you take that hike down the hall at full speed. You will get a tube in your airway!
* If you decide to shoot up crack, and you happen to be eating cantaloupe, don't accidentally mix the crack and the juice from the fruit together before you shoot up. You will get a big rash, chest pain, and might loose the arm!
* Don't get mad when the doc asks you if you would like him to "change the batteries while he's in there" in the 9 inch toy that needs to be surgically removed from your anus.
* Red delicious apple ARE FOR EATING, not gratification. Ditto for cucumbers, carrots, and zucchinis...
* If you decide to stop your anti-hypertensives because they make you impotent, keep the benefits of that decision between you and your wife. If you decide to take a mistress, you will have your stroke in her bed.
* When your big brother tells you that duct tape over your nose and mouth will force you to breathe out of your ears, don't believe him.
* Don't turn off your pump and remove the tubing becouse the machine is beeping. Then don't open the clamp becouse you decide you really need that med. You Might end up with a 20,000 unit heparin bolus in 20 minutes. You are now at risk for H.I.T (Heparin-induced Thrombocytopenia)
* Do not hang out, reading the Bible on the porch of the local house that you really honestly didn't know was a Crack house, at 3:00 AM, absolutely minding your own business....because "Some Dude" will come along and and shoot you for no apparent reason!
* Never get drunk and play William Tell ( put an apple on your head, stand in front of the barn door and let your drunk brother shoot the apple off your head with his brand new cross bow with steel tipped arrows.)
* Never build a pipe bomb in the middle of your living room with a lit cigarette sticking out of your mouth.
* Never use the veins of your penis to shoot meth.....or heorin... or coke. You'll end up with a staph infection in said appendage and then wonder how you are going to tell your wife, your girlfriend and the chick you are cheating on both of those women with
* If you decide to committ suicide, try to put your WHOLE head in front of the shot gun....not just your nose.
* When trying to look cool to all your homies, do not put a loaded automatic weapon down inside your pants.....or they might just call you "stubby" from now on.
* Never tattoo the name of a one night stand on your body.....or an ex-husband....or someone named HITLER.
* Try not to wash baby bottles out in the windshield wiper solution where the squeeges rest at the gas station.
* Never attempt do-it-yourself bovine artificial insemination. Some things are better left to the professionals...
* DO NOT step on a rusty nail, then go wading in a rancid creek and wonder why you end up with a REALLY nasty wound on the bottom of your foot.
* Never stab yourself 8 times in the chest/abdomen with a meat fork and then expect the nurses to be dumb enough to believe you "accidentally fell on it". Oh and then don't complain about how bad it hurts...
* Never ever drink turpentine from a whiskey bottle without checking what's in it first. If you do, you will do the dance of your life, and every time you burp for the next 6 months, you will taste that nasty turpentine.
Until next time folks.... :hatsoff:
