(Inspired in part by the Darwin Awards).
I work pediatrics at a local hospital now.
But before I did Peds, back when I was just starting out - I worked ER in a Level 1 trauma center on the east coast. We got cases from the big cities and also from the outlying rural districts. I finally quit ER after about 10 years in - too much stress and pressures of raising two **** meant I couldn't work the schedules anymore.
Anyway, I've come across some pretty absurd cases in my ER career. Over the years, I collected some of my own and some from my collegues. Remember the " Premium Link Upgrade " story I posted earlier?
This is along a similar vein. What you are about to read maybe bizzare, scary, stupid or a combination.
ALL of them are true.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Never use a rubber band and Saran Wrap as a condom. Otherwise, the act of sex can push this invention where the sun doesn't shine.... requiring a painful hour long proceedure to coax it out again.
* Those NO SMOKING signs up all over the place DO SO mean you - especially if you have 3 litres of O2 blowing up into your nose. Trust me, the facial and cervical burns you'll get will be nothing compared to the potential explosion of your backpack concentrator.
* Don't walk across the ER parking lot, smoking (a non-smoking campus), and right before the front door, stoop over and do the 'kidney stone' walk (camera - DUH :1orglaugh ). THEN don't be mad when we refuse you pain meds after you give us a ***** specimen with ***** on the outside from where you poked your finger...
* Don't sample your ******-in-Law's MS Contin by crushing and snorting it the afternoon of her funeral because a co-worker offered you $10.00 a tab and told you to "Try it-It's a great high". When your respirations drop and you can't put a complete sentence together don't get pissed at your wife for "over-reacting" and calling 911....
* Never **** that ER nurse off "before" they have started your IV. For some reason, it makes 'em contemplate all the reasons s/he should place a 14 or 16 G versus the 22G we had in his/her hand......before you opened your mouth. (22G is a smaller bore needle. Lower the number, thicker the needle, more the pain)
* Don't even waste your breath by saying "I have NO IDEA how that (****** / object/ substance) got in my body cavity"....while trying to fake complete confusion...no ones gonna believe it so don't waste time out of both of our lives by it.
* If you are bitten by a snake and go to the ER....**** the fucking snake before you stuff it in the shoe box to bring to the ER for identification to receive the correct antivenom/tx. Both the snake and the ED staff tend to "not" be too happy when the shoe box lid is popped off.
* NEVER, NEVER, NEVER stand in front of your brand new homemade cataupult.
* Never use a oral thermometer to sexually stimulate yourself and accidently push it up into your bladder and then swear "I swallowed it, I swear I did, It just slid right down my throat when I was trying to take my temperature".
* Do not use your vibrator at night when you have a roomate. Said roommate may insist she hears wasps and end up with a Psych consult.
* Never, ever, ever bite a dog, or anything else with sharper teeth than you have.
* If you have been been seen for a UTI (Urinary Tract Infection) and received prescriptions and Pyridium, you probably also were given instructions to avoid intercourse. This includes receiving oral sex, since Pyridium will, apparently, render your partner's tongue numb. Should you decide to proceed anyway, try not to be in a tent 100+ miles from the nearest hospital or clinic.
* If you are having an MRI done, we REALLY need to know about those "personal" piercings.
* Crisco, believe it or no, is not a good cure for vaginal dryness.
* Two friends, a case of ****, and a chainsaw are not a good mix for chopping wood. Also, do not use a chain saw alone. That should be enough. But then don't continue to use said chain saw alone after hitting a knot and cutting your leg wide open. Do not "just finish up this cord of wood" as you will lose much ***** and get much debris in wound. The resulting irrigation and debris removal is pretty darn uncomfortable, even with Lidocaine.
* If by chance you do ******* and end up with an errection that won't go away, don't wait until day four to seek medical attention for said errection. Just trust me on this one....
* Dental floss is NOT the best way to get rid of an ugly mole
* When soap and water doesn't remove the pen ink from your toddler's skin, don't try bleach, then lighter fluid, then PineSol. (This one just pissed me off. Other than the large welt on her leg, she turned out ok though. But it just proved that her *** was an asshat)
* If a heavy can of peas falls on your *****'s head, don't drop it on your own head 4-5 times "to see how much it hurt her". You might end up with a bit of a headache.
* Do not drive to your doctors office with your ******** arm out the window of your truck just so you don't get ***** on the seats.
* DO NOT use a sling shot to fling walnuts when you and your buddy have been ******** all day. You may end up with your eye on your cheek and require surgery. BUT if you decide to do this, don't do this with the guy who had a similar injury about a year prior. The ophthalmologist WILL remember he took care of your buddy at the time of his injury.
* Don't even bother asking for a refill of your ***** med because your teenage ******** took 80 of them (in the same day) and now you only have 10 left. (Seriously. What the hell were you thinking?)
* Eating half a roll of toilet paper on a dare WILL cause a bowel obstruction
* Don't let your ****** (who has Congestive Heart Failure) eat Chinese as he might end up on a vent after nearly drowning on his own fluids.
* When your wife comes into the hospital after a motor vehicle accident, it's fine to insist she needs her psych meds for a history of severe anxiety and bipolar, but the nurse cannot get a med ordered if you only remember it as "that little white pill 4 x a day" and don't remember the name of it. Don't keep insisting she needs her "little white pill" until you get the med list. There's lots of little white pills
* Don't put a put a 4 inch hard plastic ball up your ass - very difficult to remove, even with the aid of the vacuum extractor from labour ward.
* Don't put plaster of paris up your ass either - it sets hard and you end up with a colostomy. (Pt. got this idea of the net) After you have your colostomy reversed months later don't proceed to pour expanding foam filler up your ass. It really does expand and you end up with a colostomy for a longggggg time! And it really annoys the surgeon having to repeat the same type of surgery late at night.
* Don't take your ******'s computer chair out on to the road and then get your friends to push it down the hill with you sitting on it - you end up with a few broken bones! (eleven year old boys - boys will be boys I guess).
* Don't try to defraud the insurance company by pouring gas in your house and light a cigarette while you and your wife and ***** are still in the room.
* Don't come the ER triage desk fully dressed with your wife and ***** with third degree circumferential burns to over 80% over yours and their bodies reeking of gasoline and say the house caught on fire while you were ********.
* When you smoke ********* don't come to the ER saying you feel funny.
* Don't jump out of a moving vehcle because you are mad at your boyfriend. It hurts when you land and you might get run over by the vehicle behind your car.
* Oh And if you have crotch itch, please don't apply Icy-Hot. You'll end up with a major case of blue balls!
I'll try and see if I have more stashed away someplace.
Untill later :wave2:
cheers,
I work pediatrics at a local hospital now.
But before I did Peds, back when I was just starting out - I worked ER in a Level 1 trauma center on the east coast. We got cases from the big cities and also from the outlying rural districts. I finally quit ER after about 10 years in - too much stress and pressures of raising two **** meant I couldn't work the schedules anymore.
Anyway, I've come across some pretty absurd cases in my ER career. Over the years, I collected some of my own and some from my collegues. Remember the " Premium Link Upgrade " story I posted earlier?
This is along a similar vein. What you are about to read maybe bizzare, scary, stupid or a combination.
ALL of them are true.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Never use a rubber band and Saran Wrap as a condom. Otherwise, the act of sex can push this invention where the sun doesn't shine.... requiring a painful hour long proceedure to coax it out again.
* Those NO SMOKING signs up all over the place DO SO mean you - especially if you have 3 litres of O2 blowing up into your nose. Trust me, the facial and cervical burns you'll get will be nothing compared to the potential explosion of your backpack concentrator.
* Don't walk across the ER parking lot, smoking (a non-smoking campus), and right before the front door, stoop over and do the 'kidney stone' walk (camera - DUH :1orglaugh ). THEN don't be mad when we refuse you pain meds after you give us a ***** specimen with ***** on the outside from where you poked your finger...
* Don't sample your ******-in-Law's MS Contin by crushing and snorting it the afternoon of her funeral because a co-worker offered you $10.00 a tab and told you to "Try it-It's a great high". When your respirations drop and you can't put a complete sentence together don't get pissed at your wife for "over-reacting" and calling 911....
* Never **** that ER nurse off "before" they have started your IV. For some reason, it makes 'em contemplate all the reasons s/he should place a 14 or 16 G versus the 22G we had in his/her hand......before you opened your mouth. (22G is a smaller bore needle. Lower the number, thicker the needle, more the pain)
* Don't even waste your breath by saying "I have NO IDEA how that (****** / object/ substance) got in my body cavity"....while trying to fake complete confusion...no ones gonna believe it so don't waste time out of both of our lives by it.
* If you are bitten by a snake and go to the ER....**** the fucking snake before you stuff it in the shoe box to bring to the ER for identification to receive the correct antivenom/tx. Both the snake and the ED staff tend to "not" be too happy when the shoe box lid is popped off.
* NEVER, NEVER, NEVER stand in front of your brand new homemade cataupult.
* Never use a oral thermometer to sexually stimulate yourself and accidently push it up into your bladder and then swear "I swallowed it, I swear I did, It just slid right down my throat when I was trying to take my temperature".
* Do not use your vibrator at night when you have a roomate. Said roommate may insist she hears wasps and end up with a Psych consult.
* Never, ever, ever bite a dog, or anything else with sharper teeth than you have.
* If you have been been seen for a UTI (Urinary Tract Infection) and received prescriptions and Pyridium, you probably also were given instructions to avoid intercourse. This includes receiving oral sex, since Pyridium will, apparently, render your partner's tongue numb. Should you decide to proceed anyway, try not to be in a tent 100+ miles from the nearest hospital or clinic.
* If you are having an MRI done, we REALLY need to know about those "personal" piercings.
* Crisco, believe it or no, is not a good cure for vaginal dryness.
* Two friends, a case of ****, and a chainsaw are not a good mix for chopping wood. Also, do not use a chain saw alone. That should be enough. But then don't continue to use said chain saw alone after hitting a knot and cutting your leg wide open. Do not "just finish up this cord of wood" as you will lose much ***** and get much debris in wound. The resulting irrigation and debris removal is pretty darn uncomfortable, even with Lidocaine.
* If by chance you do ******* and end up with an errection that won't go away, don't wait until day four to seek medical attention for said errection. Just trust me on this one....
* Dental floss is NOT the best way to get rid of an ugly mole
* When soap and water doesn't remove the pen ink from your toddler's skin, don't try bleach, then lighter fluid, then PineSol. (This one just pissed me off. Other than the large welt on her leg, she turned out ok though. But it just proved that her *** was an asshat)
* If a heavy can of peas falls on your *****'s head, don't drop it on your own head 4-5 times "to see how much it hurt her". You might end up with a bit of a headache.
* Do not drive to your doctors office with your ******** arm out the window of your truck just so you don't get ***** on the seats.
* DO NOT use a sling shot to fling walnuts when you and your buddy have been ******** all day. You may end up with your eye on your cheek and require surgery. BUT if you decide to do this, don't do this with the guy who had a similar injury about a year prior. The ophthalmologist WILL remember he took care of your buddy at the time of his injury.
* Don't even bother asking for a refill of your ***** med because your teenage ******** took 80 of them (in the same day) and now you only have 10 left. (Seriously. What the hell were you thinking?)
* Eating half a roll of toilet paper on a dare WILL cause a bowel obstruction
* Don't let your ****** (who has Congestive Heart Failure) eat Chinese as he might end up on a vent after nearly drowning on his own fluids.
* When your wife comes into the hospital after a motor vehicle accident, it's fine to insist she needs her psych meds for a history of severe anxiety and bipolar, but the nurse cannot get a med ordered if you only remember it as "that little white pill 4 x a day" and don't remember the name of it. Don't keep insisting she needs her "little white pill" until you get the med list. There's lots of little white pills
* Don't put a put a 4 inch hard plastic ball up your ass - very difficult to remove, even with the aid of the vacuum extractor from labour ward.
* Don't put plaster of paris up your ass either - it sets hard and you end up with a colostomy. (Pt. got this idea of the net) After you have your colostomy reversed months later don't proceed to pour expanding foam filler up your ass. It really does expand and you end up with a colostomy for a longggggg time! And it really annoys the surgeon having to repeat the same type of surgery late at night.
* Don't take your ******'s computer chair out on to the road and then get your friends to push it down the hill with you sitting on it - you end up with a few broken bones! (eleven year old boys - boys will be boys I guess).
* Don't try to defraud the insurance company by pouring gas in your house and light a cigarette while you and your wife and ***** are still in the room.
* Don't come the ER triage desk fully dressed with your wife and ***** with third degree circumferential burns to over 80% over yours and their bodies reeking of gasoline and say the house caught on fire while you were ********.
* When you smoke ********* don't come to the ER saying you feel funny.
* Don't jump out of a moving vehcle because you are mad at your boyfriend. It hurts when you land and you might get run over by the vehicle behind your car.
* Oh And if you have crotch itch, please don't apply Icy-Hot. You'll end up with a major case of blue balls!
I'll try and see if I have more stashed away someplace.
Untill later :wave2:
cheers,
