The Official Freeone's Joke Thread

[Summer]

Old man walking past the bakers and he spots a sign in the window which says "pies £1. Wanks 50p" so he goes into the bakers and behind the counter is a stunning blonde size 8 bird, looks like a supermodel,
the old man says to her "excuse me luv, are you the woman who does the wanks?" and she replies "yeah" so he says "well can you wash her hands please because i want a pie"

 

[Summer]

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR WITH A STEERING WHEEL DOWN HIS TROUSERS..
THE BAR MAN SAID " I BET THAT HURTS "
AND THE GUY SAYS YEA ITS DRIVING ME NUTS.....

the old ones are the best lol

 

[Summer]

Q.whats black and blue and doesnt like sex?

A. the victim

 

[Summer]

Q: What do you get if you put your hand down mystic Megs knickers?
A: Your palm read once a month

 

[Summer]

wats the difference between the queen and a tampon???

nothin there both stuck up cunts

 

[Summer]

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest offspring?"

A: Ask your fucking mother.
lol

 

[Summer]

How d'you make a woman scream twice?

Fuck her up the arse then wipe your cock on the curtains.

 

[Summer]

why did David Beckham have a skin head???
Because sum1 told Victoria sex wud be better if she shaved her twat

 

[Summer]

whats the difference between Micheal Jackson & a carrier bag?

ones made of white plastic and harmful to children and the other one you put your shopping in

 

[tunsty]

Assorted Colemanballs...

1. "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
(Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)
2. "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
(Metro Radio)
3. "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)
4. "Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago"
(David Coleman - Sports Commentator)
5. "We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite"
(Murray Walker - F1 Motor Racing Commentator)
6."If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"
(Terry Venables - Football Manager and Media Pundit)
7. "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical"
(Murray Walker - F1 Motor Racing Commentator)
8. "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
(Greg Norman - Australian Golfer)
9. "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious"
(Alan Minter - Former British Boxing Champion)
10. "The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball"
(John Francombe - Jockey)

 

[Sutty]

There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from an airplane.

Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.

They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."

After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.

Problem solved

 

[tunsty]

Sod's laws..

1 Nothing is as easy as it looks.

2 Everything takes longer than you think.

3 Anything that can go wrong will go wrong

4 If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway

5 Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse

6 If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

7 If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.

8 Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

9 Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.

10 If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong

 

[tunsty]

Movie Cliches

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

 

[Sutty]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil
is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I
have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite
as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large
pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and
over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't
think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying
naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs
staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing
what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

 

[member5726]

LMAO that was a good one Sutty !

 

[Sutty]

This good looking man walks into an agent's office in Hollywood and says "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy says, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are gonna have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER......

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awestruck ... who would possibly send him $50,000?

He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it
in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent and i have become a highly successful actor. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,





Dick van Dyke

 

[Dinalt]

:wave2: Few more for the thread:

Q: What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?
A: They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons

.

Janet and Michael Jackson were at home one night...
Janet: Shall we get a pizza and video tonight?
Michael: Yeah, okay, can we get Aladdin?
Janet: No, just a pizza and video

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room, but they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.

The man exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. He told the clerk that, although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly are not worth $350. When the clerk told him $350 was the standard rate, the man insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared, listens to the man, and then explained that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them", the man complained.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He went on to explain that they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," said the Manager.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complained the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replied.

No matter what facility the Manager mentioned, the man replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, and eventually the man gave up and agreed to pay. He wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But sir," he said, "this check is only made out for $50."

"That's right," said the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaimed the Manager.

"Well," the man replied, "she was here, and you could have."

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked"

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, In capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR." The wife, So excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs. She said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one!"

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

A penis writes to his employer…
Dear Sir,
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour. I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I don't get weekends and public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in dark places that have poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Yours sincerely,
Penis
*
*
*
His employer replies…
Dear Penis,
After considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons.

You never work eight hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take the initiative: you need to be stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace messy at the end of your shift.
You do not always observe the necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You regularly leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And, as if that were not enough, you have been continually entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Yours sincerely,
The Management

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

 

[Red Spyder]

A quickie before I got to sleep.
What did the blind guy say when he walked by the fish market?








(sniff, sniff) good morning, girls.

 

[member11579]

Mr and Mrs Smith were about to meet their daughter Sara Smith's new boyfriend for the first time, and had laid on a buffet of food.

The lad arrives with Sara after a date, and they sit and chit chat about stuff, sussing each other out. Mr Smith decides to show off his party trick of catchin peanuts in his mouth, but things go awry and he begins to choke.

Luckily the young lad leaps to the rescue.

He sticks his fingers in Mr Smiths nose, and tells him to try and blow out his nose really hard. Lo and behold, the peanut comes a popping out of Mr Smiths ear, saving him from certain death.

Later, after the lad ahas gone home and Sara Smith has gone to bed, Mrs Smith talks to Mr Smith about the lad.

"What a clever young man to save you like that! Do you think he is going to be a Doctor, or a Physician maybe one day?" she asks.

Mr Smith ponders for a moments, then replies:

"From the smell of his fingers, I would say he is going to be our son-in-law."

 

[Dinalt]

Few more

A pair of newlyweds were on their honeymoon. The first night the groom asked, "Honey, you can tell me. Am I the first man ?" She looked at him and said, "Why does everyone always ask me that ?"

What's a 72 ? It's a 69 with 3 people watching.

What's the difference between a 10 year old marriage and a 10 year old Job ? After 10 years, the job still sucks.

Ben Affleck goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor doctor, every time I look in the mirror I get aroused."

The doctor replies, "I'm not surprised... you're a cunt."

36a - Chinese Proverbs (rice included)
Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.