Squirrel World News

[stek1983]

me and a friends of mine (usually when sat in work bored) often email silly, random News reports to each other.
anyway, just thought I'd share them with you as you might find them funny.
WARNING: YOU NEED A VERY SILLY/RANDOM SENSE OF HUMOR

--------------------------------

Squirrel World News - Presented by Fred Stripey

Brought to you every hour, a couple of times a month when we can be bothered.

TALL MEN FIND EATING ELDEBERRIES EASIER
In ground-breaking research held in the Swedish town of Solna, a study group have concluded that tall men find eating eldeberries easier than driving a camper van filled with grapefruit off the edge of an aspirin.
Fifteen of the tallest men in Sweden were carefully selected from a group of seven girls to take part in the four-minute long exercise.
The study group called themselves the "Norkopping Collective", in reference to the fact that none of them actually come from Norkopping. In fact only one of them has ever been to Norkopping.
After years of preparation, the Norkopping Collective were able to go ahead with their minutes of research.
Frodo Codsson-Raspberry, leader of the study group was enthused.
"We pained over then selection process of our research group, and came up with only the select tall men from a group of girls. We debated the decision over a crispy biscuit selection made in a nearby farm. The biscuits were very nice with a pot of coffee or with a swig of locally produced pear and cheese cider."
The full data on the Norkopping Collective's findings can be found in the May 1988 issue of Science For Those With Knees.

BRAD PITT REALLY IS A JOBBER
Meanwhile in Montana, businessmen gathered for the 14th annual meeting of The Order Of The Jobbers.
Several Z-List celebrities were put forward for this prestigious award, such as Pete Burns, Gazza, Preston from The Ordinary Boys etc, but a Hollywood B-Lister received the main prize.
First recognised on the track E=MC You're Dead from Pie's seminal debut album Orange In A Cemetery, Brad Pitt won the Jobber Lifetime Achievement award for 2005.
A spokesman for Mr Pitt offered these words to sum up Brad's joy of winning such a high-ranking award:
"Schnoooffff aaaaaaahhhhh"
We stood on his foot and pushed him down the stairs.
There's only one thing the Squirrel World News hates more than a total jobber - a total jobber who is subordinate to a total jobber.

THE DARKNESS DISCOVERED DEAD IN A BOWL OF CEREAL
Kellog's executive directors were trembling at the prospect of a multi-million dollar lawsuit, after the abomination that is The Darkness were all found dead in a giant bowl of Corn Flakes.
It was assumed the band, I say band in the loosest use of the term, were taking a break from shooting the video to a carpet warehouse advertisement, instead they suffered a serious cereal mishap.
The Darkness' manager, Rupert Theodore Handgrenade-Bogey, stated "Kellogs need not worry - there will be no charges brought against them. If anything they deserve a medal for ridding us of such a bag of pants"
Kellogs are to release a special edition Corn Flakes box bearing the motto "Eat us or we'll eat you".
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It is also obviously real. Homie.

And introducing Gabriel St Trousers at the Squirrel World News SPORTS DESK...

Welcome sports fans ... I have a penchant for great trousers

WORLD FOOTBALL SUFFERS MIDFIELDER SHORTAGE HORROR
Teams across the globe are facing increasingly more difficult selection problems this week, as it is revealed that Tottenham Hotspur are on the verge of signing their 12,876th midfielder of the day.
Having already bought Nigel Reo-Coker, Jermaine Pennant, Darren Fletcher, Joey Barton, Maniche, Joe Cole, Frank Lampard, Patrick Viera, Bryan Robson, Dietmar Hamman, Jermaine Jenas (even though he's already their player), Mark Kinsella, Stilian Petrov, Xabi Alonso, Jay-Jay Okocha, Steven Gerrard, Paul Gascoigne, Marc Van Bommel, Robbie Savage, Stefan Fiore, Julio Arca, Dean Whitehead, David Dunn, Ryan Giggs, Thomas Gravesen, Stephen Reid, Jamie Redknapp, Gilberto Silva, Robert Pires, Eric Djemba-Djemba, Emre, Gary Speed, Matt Holland, Papa Bouba Diop, Claude Makelele, Sean Davis, Tim Cahill, Dennis Wise, Morten Gamst Pedersen, Claudio Reyna, Zoltan Gera, Lee Hendrie, Steed Malbranque, Alan Thompson, Nolberto Solano, Ronnie Wallwork, Muzzy Izzet, David Beckham, Trevor Sinclair, Shaun Wright-Phillips, Damien Johnson, Michael Essien and Simon Davies this morning alone, Tottenham moved swiftly to secure the services of Arsenal's Spanish midfielder Cesc Fabregas.
Tottenham's director of vacuum-cleaning commented "We are working hard towards opening the world's first goalkeeping academy for midfielders. Hopefully out of the midfielders we retrain as goalkeepers, at least one will be any good. The rest will be consigned to obscurity playing for our under-7's B side."
This has a knock-on effect for other clubs, obviously.
In the recent game between Manchester United and Arsenal, United's midfield consisted of a central due of Gary Neville, Mikael Silvestre with Tim Howard on the left and Gabriel Heinze (with his broken leg) on the right.
Arsenal didn't come off much better with Jens Lehman and Pascal Cygan in the middle, Philippe Senderos on the left and the club groundsman, Dennis Mongoose, on the right.
FIFA are considering taking sanctions against Tottenham's transfer activity.

JUSSI JAASKELAINEN IN ROAD RAGE HORROR
Bolton's Finnish keeper, Jussi Jaaskelainen, was detained for several days in a maximum security prison for shouting "Jelly is good" at a small rock.
Although the rock is believed to be in good spirits, the judge due to sentence Jaaskelained revealed that a harsh punishment is to be expected.
"I would expect a minimum sentence of 406 years, with the option to lose an ear"
Rumours that Jaaskelainen is to take the new post of Tottenham's head coach of the goalkeeping academy for midfielders was proved to be unfounded.
Nicky Butt took up the role yesterday.

Squirrel World News actively supports the brandishing of mackerel towards passing motorists on country lanes north of Chesterfield.

 

[stek1983]

Squirrel World News

Bringing you the latest news from the depths of time, tomorrow.

Exclusive new format - the same as it has always been

Presented by Fred Stripey
"What I don't know about the colour green, you couldn't even imagine"

MONGOOSE COLONY DISCOVERED ON THE MOON
Astronomers at the Kennedy Space Center have made a startling discovery. A colony of mongooses have been observed on the moon and are believed to have claimed their own plateau on the surface of the Earth's neighbour.
Scientists are attempting to play down a Whitehouse spokesman's report that the mongoose colony is planning to take over the world.
Stephen Spielberg is already lodging the rights to make the movie of "Moon Mongoose" as you read this press release.
Rumours in Hollywood have Will Young as favourite to be given the role of lead mongoose.
Will Young was unable to comment, but here at Squirrel World News we don't take no for an answer.
After a severe 6 hour beating, Will Young was out cold.
But his last words as he was rushed to hospital for an emergency head amputation were "Mon ... gooooooo".
There you have it.
Squirrel World News give you another exclusive.

HARRY HILL'S "TV BURP THE MUSICAL" PREMIERES ON BROADWAY
Starring Tina Turner in the lead role as Harry Hill, the comedian's hit Saturday early evening show was premiered on Broadway to an overjoyed audience of 12.
Kicking off with a song about bad continuity gaffs in East Enders, Tina Turner wowed the crowd with her performance.
Many thought Harry Hill was on stage himself.
A spokesman for the production company behind the musical are claiming "a triumph".
Peter McPete stated "We thank the writers for an amazing show. The stage play by Russel Watson is an amazing work, and we were blessed in having the hugely talented Trevor McDonald writing such brilliant songs."
The choreography for the show was done by no other than Arjen Robben.

ROGER MOORE ACCEPTS POSITION AS A DINNER LADY
Esteemed actor Roger Moore, best known for his role has James Bond 007, has successfully applied for a dinner lady vacancy at the St Farquahar's School of Potato Worriers in Northampton.
Moore, 116 years old, was delighted to have been successful in his job application.
He will work as a deputy lead dinner lady, alongside Margaret Bob Hoskins, who is delighted at the announcement.
"My last colleague left after I tried to drown them in a giant pan of mash".
Roger Moore wants to go under the pseudonym "Betty Dave McPaul" when he starts his new job in November 2012.

And finally, at the sports desk...

TREVOR BROOKING TO COACH SQUAD OF CLONES
The FA have appointed former West Ham and England midfielder and amazing bore Trevor Brooking as head of their Clone Division.
The purpose of the CD is to have a team of laboratory grown footballers ready to compete in the 2010 world cup finals.
The players will be grown from DNA taken from a real life footballer.
Rumour has it the DNA will be extracted from the Sunderland defender Gary Breen's left knee.
Although this is causing friction within the FA, has Breen is a former Republic of Ireland international.
Insiders at the FA want the DNA to be extracted from Jens Lehman.
A spokesman from the FA warned "anyone trying to come into direct conversation with Trevor Brooking should be fully prepared to be bored totally to death".

MICHAEL OWEN CLAIMS "SHEARER MORE BORING THAN BROOKING"
Newcastle's England international Michael Owen, has rebuked the claims of a latest study that states Trevor Brooking is more boring than his fellow Newcastle colleague Alan Shearer.
"Alan's boringness is as legendary as his scoring record here at St James Park. Only the other day he was telling me how amazing the new shovel was his neighbour had bought. He went on to tell me the tale of the time he found a length of string in his old coat jacket that he had put there in 1996."
We had to shoot Owen at that point as he was sending our reporter into an eternal coma.
Squirrel World News does agree that Shearer is the most boring footballer ever to have walked the Earth, however.
The terrifying top ten list, compiled by Which Car? magazine, is as follows:
1. Trevor Brooking (West Ham, England)
2. Alan Shearer (Newcastle, England)
3. Mark Lawrenson (Liverpool, Rep Ireland)
4. David White (Man City, England - 1 cap)
5. Gavin Peacock (Chelsea, Newcastle)
6. Alan Hansen (Liverpool, Scotland)
7. Dennis Irwin (Man United, Rep Ireland)
8. David Batty (Leeds, England)
9. Alan Smith (Arsenal, England)
10.Martin Keown (Arsenal, England)

Squirrel World News actively supports those that seek enlightenment within the centre of a golf ball that has been stuck to the side of a passing antelope

 

[stek1983]

Squirrel World News
"The voice of reason in a bucket full of treacle"

Bringing you all the news we want you to hear, when we feel like it

Anchored for you exclusively by Fred Stripey
"You can't keep a good tan brown"

SOUTH BRISTOL PUPIL SHOT FOR ASKING QUESTION IN CLASS
A small community in Avon were stunned today to hear that a pupil
at St Cuthbert's School for Those With a Fear of Pastry was shot
dead, after he inadvertently asked his teacher a question relevant
to his lesson.
The pupil, whom cannot be named for legal reasons, is Dudley J Pratt of 24 Kings Street, Bristol, Avon BS12 5TJ.
The teacher, Des Lynam, has been taken into custody at a nearby
police station in Bath and has been given a packet of Tic-Tacs.
The school's headmaster commented
"We are all really shocked. I thought Lynam would have been given
Trebor Mints, not Tic-Tacs".
Parents of the pupil were unavailable to comment as they were
holidaying in Barnsley.

JENNIFER ANISTON AUCTIONS A KIDNEY ON E-BAY
The little known online auction known to us few in the know as
E-Bay, were given a surprise item to sell late last night.
The item was a real functioning kidney.
The seller, a user known only as "Dave" - real name
Jennifer Aniston - put the kidney up for sale at a starting price
of $3.75 but this morning the bidding had intensified.
Currently the top bid for Jennifer's kidney stands at $5.62 and a
semi-eaten bratwurst.
CEO of E-Bay, Brandon J Spunkmeier, admitted that administrative
staff of the site were "exhausted due to the frenetic pace of the
bidding".
An unprecedented rise of $1.87 had taken its toll on the website,
which has admitted having to go off-line for several hours today
to recover from the surge in activity.
Jennifer Aniston was spotted in a McDonald's in Bucharest
trying to sell her right nipple to a passer-by.

7.2 BILLION JOBS TO GO TO GREENLAND BY 2008
In a recent employment expo in Geneva, top industry analysts
predicted Greenland to be the next hot spot of corporate activity.
It is rumored many UK based organisations have already looked
into the possibility of offshoring their back office functions to
the North Atlantic isle.
More alarmingly a spokesman for the Department of Work and
Pensions have forecast as many as 7.2 billion jobs could be
shifted to Greenland by the year 2008.
The Office of the Deputy Prime Minister has even indicated the
Deputy PM position could be relocated in part of a government
structural reorganisation which is due to take place in April of
this year.
Squirrel World News has heard a hint that 2.5 million government
employees will be placed on Job Seekers Allowance schemes by this
June.
Prime Minister Tony Blair suggested the story was
"Scandal. I would suggest 7.1 billion is nearer the mark"

And finally over to Gabriel St Trousers at the Sports Desk...

PERUVIAN PROPERTY MAGNATE TO BUY ASTON VILLA
Julio Stannage-Rodriguez, the infamous half-Peruvian-half-Yorkshire
-three-quarter-badger property magnate has announced that his
consortium's bid of £17.43 to buy Aston Villa FC outright has been
an unbridled success.
Many observers in the Birmingham area reckon the consortium may
have bid £12.86 too much.
The consortium have promised much needed funds to boost the
playing squad, but will replace David O'Leary with their choice of
Eddie "The Eagle" Edwards as manager and director of football.
Edwards will have a substantial £5.63 to build a Premiership
title challenging squad.

ALAN SHEARER TO UNDERGO BRAIN REMOVAL SURGERY
Further to the previous exclusive story of Michael Owen proclaiming
his Newcastle skipper to be "the most boring man on the planet"
Squirrel World News are pleased to inform that Newcastle have
taken positive action.
In an attempt to relieve the world of Shearer's intense boredom,
they have decided to check Shearer in to Baron Von Clusterdick's world famous Brain Removal Clinic.
Von Clusterdick has previously done stirling work on the likes of
Pete Doherty, Jordan, Peter Andre, Lee Bowyer and Preston of The Ordinary Boys.
Who all had their brains removed at the Brain Removal Clinic.
Rumour has it the surgeons struggled to find much evidence of a
brain in any of the aforementioned ex-clients.
We declined giving Shearer the opportunity to speak to us on the
grounds of article 4.12.1.1.16 of the Geneva Convention:
"Boremongers of Mass Destruction" guidelines.

LEEDS UNITED
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Squirrel World News actively supports fencing naked with flowers for swords

 

[tunsty]

Keith Chegwin Banned From Keeping Sausages.


Former heavyweight wrestler and space-filler Keith 'Cheggers' Chegwin, has been banned from keeping sausages.
A jury of twelve tennis umpires sitting on a rickety park bench in walthamstow, gave their unanimous verdict yesterday.
It is believed that 'Demon-eyes' Chegwin had first fried and then eaten several of the sausages before being found out by a passing paddle steamer bound for Taiwan.
Several other charges of swallowing live antelope, were shot from an oversized circus cannon and then mixed in a trifle to be eaten at a later trial.
As punishment, Chegwin has been ordered to smother himself in red satin paint and read the warning labels on several brands of headache tablet boxes.




Stamp Collector Discovers New Planet In Loft.

A French-born, half-Japanese, Half-Swiss cheese stamp collector, has amazed his pet goldfish by finding a planet in his loft.
Fred Loopeh, was in his loft trying to quieten the herd of zebra that he keeps, when he made the discovery.
Scientist have been unable to to explain why the planet is hiding, but have speculated that intense gravity of the zebras is causing lights to flicker in Zimbabwe.
Nasa, has yet to contact Mr Loopeh, because no-one will tell them his phone number, however Mr Loopeh intends to take the planet for regular walks and is planning a galactic party in a nearby phone booth to celebrate.

 

[tunsty]

Breathing Is Bad For Your Health

A new study into the effects of swearing at strawberries, has discovered that breathing can indeed be bad for your health.
The study was conducted by two mice in a pair of old running shoes and also looked into how it is possible for trees to learn holiday Spanish.
"The more air you breath in - the less there is for everyone else", squeaked one of the shoes.
Further studies on how to breed question marks and feeding moondust to chocolate biscuits, have been cancelled because of fears of upsetting cows stomachs.
A government spokesman denied that he was wearing lipstick and wouldn't comment on the brand of running shoe involved.

 

[tunsty]

Saddam Hussein To Release Disco Album

Former tyrant and mousetrap salesman, Saddam Hussein, is to release an album of disco songs.
The songs which were held captive in a Baghdad jail, have been allowed to return home to their songwriters after several years on a dusty shelf.
Pop diva Gloria Gaynor is over the moon at the news that her song, ' I will Survive' , is to return home,.
"Well, it just goes to show that my song lived up to it's name" said GG
She went on.."First I was afraid, I was petrified. Kept thinking how can I survive without my song by my side"

However, other songs were not so lucky, 'Coming out' by Diana Ross, didn't and 'Stayin' Alive' by the Bee Gees, died after six months.
No news has been forthcoming of the fate of 'When Will I See You Again' by the Three Degrees.
A US government spokesman welcomed the release, but urged the former dictator to 'think of the many folk songs that still suffer' and pressed for more album releases by the dictator.
" I look forward to the day when 'Ring My Bell' by Anita Ward, actually Rings my bell " muttered a confused tramp when questioned.

 

[stek1983]

Kurt Cobain Found Dead.... Again
Legendary Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain, who died in March of 1994 has been mysteriously found dead again.
his body was found inside a tin of Heinz Spaghetti Hoops in a Sainsbury's store in Milton Keynes.
he was discovered by Manchester United star Gabriel Heinze, who was showing his friends the collection of food he believed was named after him.
Julian Clary has been questioned by police for an unrelated incident.

 

[tunsty]

Eriksson Opens Holiday Resort in Trousers

England Football coach and mushroom grower, Sven Goran Eriksson, has revealed that he has opened a holiday resort in his trousers.
"I want to create an atmosphere where my fungus can grow without being exposed to flourescent lights or soap" said Eriksson.
FA bosses have long suspected that Eriksson had been keeping Vietnamese pot-bellied pigs in his trousers, but were astonished to find that several backpackers from Thailand, had set up camp on his left buttock.
"It's not so much the pigs we mind, as the way we've been kept in the dark" said one of the backpackers.
An inquiry into the price of bacon has been started by the FA and it is hoped that fans travelling to Thailand will not be put off by the smell...or the pigs.

 

[tunsty]

Former Boxer Beaten By Dead Snail

Former Boxer and chimney sweep Frank Bruno was recovering in a Thermos flask after being beaten 3 - 0 AET by a dead snail.
The snail, who had been dead for several months, has been on the FBI's 'most-eaten' list for several minutes and had been last seen on Burt Reynold upper lip and playing in goal for Everton football club.
A team of French Chefs had been close to catching the snail, but were left trailing as it escaped disguised as Vladimir Putin.

Several witnesses who saw the assault, including a matching set of bathroom laundry that was passing by, were said to be furious that the towel had been thrown in.
Mr Bruno (12), has been unable to grow a moustache since the incident and is still undergoing therapy for his spark plug addiction.

 

[stek1983]

and now to the sports desk...

Chelsea Let Lampard Go
Chelsea have rejected offers of up to £40million for the England International from a number of Europe's big clubs but have shocking accepted a big of £7.26 + a Nokia 3210 without a sim card from Cambridge Utd and the move will take place at the end of the season.
Until then, Lampard cannot play in any competitive games against any club that share any of the letters used to spell "Cambridge United".
Chelsea have also agreed that if Cambridge Utd do not qualify for Europe in the next 3 year, they can also take John Terry, Hernan Crespo and Teddy Sherigham.

 

[tunsty]

Uk Government To Allow Ministers a 'Toy Day'


Prime Minister Tony Blair is to allow government ministers a 'bring your favourite toy to work' day.
A Spokesman for the Stamp collectors of Great Britain, confirmed that the 'Toy Days' would increase the turnout of MPs in the house of commons.
"It has already been trialed, last week the entire front bench brought their favourite toys in".
He went on "The Prime Minister brought in a football, Jack Straw brought his Buckaroo game and Ruth Kelly brought her Action man "
However, there were some playground fights as some ministers tried to take toys from others..
" Yes, there were one or two disputes, but we gave them some sweets and told them to play in opposite corners of the chamber" said the spokesman.

The Mood was lightened somewhat when Charles Clark turned up late with just a wooden spinning top and a piece of string
"We couldn't stop laughing" muttered a group of passing Hyenas
"Everyone was singing 'Charlie can only afford a spinning top..he stormed off and sulked for a while"

Opposition leader David Cameron has blasted the 'Toy Day', saying he would change it for a 'Bring your pet to work day'

 

[tunsty]

Rooney is F*****g Crackers - Claims Prince Charles

Prince Charles has revealed that he saw Football ace, Wayne Rooney F*****g a Jacobs cream cracker.
"One cannot believe what one has seen", shouted the Prince whilst visiting a Sex shop in Worcester.
He rattled on.."One could see quite clearly that the young lad had his 'Dong' between a couple of crackers and was going at it hammer and tongs"
A spokeman for Jacobs said "obviously, were delighted that the young lad Rooney is F*****g crackers, and ours at that...
I just hope he uses the correct type of butter spread for the occasion"
Several other premiership players having been spotted with various snack-in-their-laps, recently...
Joe Cole's Jammy Dodger and Robbie Savage's Cheesy Wotsit, being two examples.
A spokesman for Manchester United refused to comment on whether Rooney was F*****g crackers, but did confirm that Rio Ferdinand liked the taste of 'Salty Nuts'

 

[tunsty]

Peace Protestors Arrested For Having 'Peaceful Protest'

Four peace Protestors were arrested and mixed in a bowl with some dolmio sauce, yesterday, after having a peaceful protest.
The four scruffs were sitting on a bowl of mixed fruit in Kensington high street, quietly discussing acne, when police jumped out of a baby's pushchair and arrested them.
One onlooker said," I was just pickpocketing this chap beside me, when these burly policemen started beating them protestors with firelighters"
When pressed for an explanation, a police spokesman said 'OW, don't press so hard!...I'll tell you what you need to know'
The Poncey looking PC went on "It's all very well these protestors sitting there quietly, but what are we supposed to do?..just vomit over them?."
The protestors were kept in cold rice pudding overnight and charged with £1.67 'beating fee' each.
They were then released into an animal sanctuary on the isle of skye.

 

[tunsty]

Thief Burgled By Gang Of Bankers

A petty thief was counting the cost of cheese, after being burgled by a gang of bankers.
"You can tell it was bankers, they left biros and paperclips everywhere...not to mention the Financial adviser call cards" Moaned the penniless freak.
A fly who witnessed the burglary buzzed "Yeah, it looked like the Barclays gang to me. but then I'll say anything for a pound of cowshit"
Several other banker gangs are know to be operating around the area, including The Abbey squad, The Bradford and Bingley bastards and the infamous duo Bonnie and Clydsedale.
Police are no closer to finding the bankers, but are looking into a crystal ball in the hope of seeing 'The Bill' on ITV.

 

[tunsty]

Pensioner Passes 150 Milestone

A pensioner from Derby has succesfully passed a stone 150 miles wide.
Herbet Booty Said " I thought it was just a regular bowel movement, then out pops this large 150 mile stone, I'm as surprised as the next man".
When asked, the next man said "Yeah, I was a bit surprised"
It is not the first time Herbert has passed something like this, "I once passed a Volkswagen Beetle on the A40 - caused a jam for miles"
Herbert plans to keep the stone in a pickle jar on his mantlepiece, " I was going to give it to charity, but she said she had no use for a 150 mile stone covered in excrement"
An e-bay auction has been set up to try and sell the old-mans 150 mile wide arse as a holiday pot-holing experience.

 

[tunsty]

Sweet Wrapper Wins Lottery prize

An empty Jelly Babies sweet wrapper has just won 37p on the lottery.
"I can't believe it's not butter" squealed the wrapper as it was presented with the money in small loose change, by TV presenter Carol Vorderman.
The wrapper went on and on "It's been tough bringing up 50 odd jelly babies on my own, but now they're dead I can look forward to the future"
The wrapper plans to move in with a half-eaten pack of rolos on quality street and wants to start a new family of bazooka Joes.

 

[tunsty]

Herd Of Wild Bulls Fail To Cause Damage In China Shop

A collector of fine bone china was disconsolate yesterday as wild bulls rampaged through his shop, but failed to cause any damage.
"You see this sort of thing on countdown, but you don't expect it to happen here in Glasgow" gibbered the great soft lump.
The Bulls, along with some quiz show hosts, were due to be taking part in a celebrity version of Bullseye, but the unicycle that they were on, swerved to avoid a pork pie in the road and crashed into the middle of next week.
A witness who never saw the incident, but had a good guess what had happened, said "The bulls stampeded through the china shop before catching a number 23 bus to the TV studio", however, other reports suggest that it was the number 11 bus.
The quiz shop hosts were not so lucky, two were blown up by a WWII panzer division and the other was rolled into a fine cigar and smoked by Ted Danson of Cheers fame.

The Bulls went on to win bullseye after eating Jim Bowen and declaring the TV studio a state of independance.

 

[om3ga]

Nice

Reminds me of the early Viz (for some unknown reason) and The Onion (with their headlines like "9-11 Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves in Hell." & "Mr. T Releases 'Pity List '86.'")

 

[stek1983]

Man Finds Kevin Keegan in Garden
A local man found ex Manchester City and England Manager, Kevin Keegan roaming around his garden. The discovery was made while Mr. Kipling was watering the slugs in his garden one hot summers rainy day.
Mr. Kipling has been awarded 49 pence for his finding while Kevin Keegan was executed on the spot by a penguin with a small plastic spoon.

Naked Man Wins Fashion Show
55 year old Thomas Testicle have recently won the "Best Dressed" award at the World Fashion Awards in Doncaster last night.
Mr. Testicle beat the likes of Kate Moss, who was wearing nothing but a sock covering her penis and Hugh Grant who was wearing a lovely red strappy back dress made entirely out of kittens eyes-balls.
The naked man who had an erection while modeling his stunning outfit let me touch his willy shortly after the ceremony

Penguin Arrested For Kevin Keegan Murder
Baking legend Kevin Keegan was found murdered in a garden in the early hours of next Wednesday at 8pm.
A penguin has been taken in for questioning about the murder.
Little is known about the murder so far so police are trying to figure out what weapon was used, what year the 1996 Olympics Games took place and exactly who Kevin Keegan is.

and now over to the sports desk....

Norwich City Make Top 10 List
Norwich City have shocked the footballing world by breaking into the top 10 clubs in the world list.
the list, compiled by FIFA has Norwich City in 6th place, just behind Bristol Rovers and in front of FC Barcelona

New York Rangers to Enter Premiership
US Ice Hockey team the New York Rangers have finalized a deal with the F.A and will be leaving the NHL and joining the Premiership.
Rangers will still play their home games in New York city in an ice rink but they will be playing their away games on grass in their hockey gear, ice skates included.
Their season will start in August when they travel to the Valley to face Charlton Athletic.
NBA giants the Chicago Bulls have also shown interested in a move to the Premiership.

 

[stek1983]

Bono Sells Tongue For Charity
U2 frontman, Bono has sold his tongue for £44,000 to raise money for the Children Without Playstations Foundation (CWPF).
Squirrel World News spoke to band-mate The Edge and he told us "Bono is all about giving to those in need, he'll go to any length to make sure that those less fortunate than others have a good life, he has proved today that he will even put his career at risk"
U2 are set to start recording their new album "How 'o 'i'ma'a' a' a'omi' Bomb" this summer and Bono is said to hum in every song.

------------

thanks to the person who voted "No, it sucks, i hate you stek1983 and i hope you die" :thumbsup: