Relationship Help

[Rem07]

I normally would never need advice but I just wanted to get some outsiders opinions. I have had a solid 5 year relationship with my gf. Her and I are meant to be I know it and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her. We have talked about it and she has given me everything I could ask for. She has always been there no matter what and I felt that nothing could separate us. While we did have arguments we were solid.

Recently over the past 6 months she has tried to tell me it seems like I dont care about her and I only show her loving behind closed doors. especially when we were with friends on the weekend. I never took it seriously. I never understood thr extent of her feelings but recently I have seen that one of my good friends seems to be hitting on her. She tells me what he does while they are on the college campus.

I have noticed that he might have a crush on her for over a year now but never thought it was anything cus I trust her. Well recently GE was doing it more. Instead of saying something to save awkwardness I acted different towards him so he knew that I knew. It seemed to work but about a week ago she breaks it off with me and says she doesn't feel the same and its not there.

I would never expect this from her because we were so solid and secure. Come to find out she left her house and was at his house and said she had feelings for him. Long story short she didn't do anything besides kiss him there and I told her to come home before it was too late and she did.

Weve talked a lot and I understand that she told him the hard times we were going through and he took advantage of that and tried to connect with her. She no longer talks to him at all anf has said she wants to be with me but I'm having trust issues now. I trusted her with everything and for her to do that because of me is understandable but it hurts so much.

Now she acts a bit different and says she needs time but to me its so hard to be with her not knowing the future. My life plans revolved around her but now I'm worried. She said she wants to be with me in the end buy I'm having a difficult time. I am giving her what she wants now but she seems to not be giving it back. I try and kiss on her and stuff and she says she doesnt want to do all that right now because of what she's been through. Our sexual life had so much spark and passion and now its gone. And to me its not about how it feels about making that connection with her. Only we share that and we werw both each others firsts. I just want somr advice on all this?

 

[jod0565]

Five years together?

You waited too long to marry her.

 

[Mr_Stiffy]

It's over pal. I know it's harsh to hear, but she's already done enough for you to not trust her. Your own words, "having trust issues" and you're asking for advice from strangers on the Internet. You're always going to be worried something's going to be happening when she isn't with you, if it isn't with this guy, then with some other guy. You're probably already second-guessing yourself as to whether or not you believe her that all they did was kiss. It's already bothering you this much, and it will end up tearing you apart. Even if nothing happens, one day your suspicion might overcome you and you'll do or say something that will be the breaking point and she'll end it. Without making any assumptions about her or the actual situation, the simple issue is trust - it's gone. If you don't have trust, you have nothing. Sorry. Been there.

Her and I are meant to be I know it

No such thing. "Knowing it" is not enough, you're right for each other or you aren't, and someone you don't trust isn't right for you. I "knew" that an ex and I were "meant to be" and after four years together she cheated on me. Things are only "meant to be" if you work at them, and she isn't, by the sounds of things. Besides, you mention college campus. If you're college age, you're too young to know what you want for the rest of your life, you haven't lived enough of it yet, and this "meant to be" stuff is way too heavy going. It's going to hurt, but move on. You'll be happier in the long run rather than carrying on with the mistrust and worry.

 

[Rem07]

I haven't married her because we are both in college still. She is my highs school sweet heart. I mean I do trust thats all that happened and deep down inside I am like 90% sure that she will be with me in the end. Its just that I'm having a hard time getting over it. I have never been like this normally I dont give two shits about anything. I feel really betrayed.

 

[Mr_Stiffy]

I am like 90% sure that she will be with me in the end.
.....
I feel really betrayed.

You don't want to end up with someone that breaks your trust, which is what's happened. I think I've said all I will.

 

[cestmoi2010]

It's over pal. I know it's harsh to hear, but she's already done enough for you to not trust her. Your own words, "having trust issues" and you're asking for advice from strangers on the Internet. You're always going to be worried something's going to be happening when she isn't with you, if it isn't with this guy, then with some other guy. You're probably already second-guessing yourself as to whether or not you believe her that all they did was kiss. It's already bothering you this much, and it will end up tearing you apart. Even if nothing happens, one day your suspicion might overcome you and you'll do or say something that will be the breaking point and she'll end it. Without making any assumptions about her or the actual situation, the simple issue is trust - it's gone. If you don't have trust, you have nothing. Sorry. Been there

BINGO

You are young so you need to learn from this lesson and make sure next time you learn from your mistakes and don't let it happen again. When she says you don't pay attention to her in public - you make sure to pay attention to her in public. I don't know what you did/didn't do but when she says this you hold her hand when you go out. You kiss her in public for all to see. You tell her how much you love her - in public. You don't have to scream it out for all to hear but you need to tell her. Depending on what kind of relationship you have you grab her ass or put your hand on it when out in public.

It takes far more work to maintain a relationship than it does to start one. Put yourself in her shoes - how would you feel if you were her and you said to you partner how much you want attention outside the house and you didn't get it. You would be upset.

You can try and "woo" her back but good luck - as Stiffy said: Without TRUST there is no relationship.

Learn from your mistakes so next time............

 

[STDiva]

It takes far more work to maintain a relationship than it does to start one.

Truth.

She told you what she wanted, you didn't do it amd someone else did. You snooze you lose.

 

[luis1972]

You messed up
Watch "Don jon"

 

[bobjustbob]

She told you what she wanted....

And as you said, you didn't take it seriously. That was the turning point. You could have stepped up your game with even the stupidest of attempts and she would have caved in just because you tried. Admit it, there were signs from her before she came to you... or went to someone else. So you told the dude to lay off and he did. Yet your women went out to him. You had time to correct this but you failed to cut it off from the first signs of failure. She ain't looking to run to your friend, she is running away from you. She doesn't think that she and you are "meant to be". Step up your game man because you are now in a position where you have to get her back.

 

[Deepcover]

Can't wait for an OCSM to put her chips on the table to this

 

[Ace Bandage]

There isn't anything tougher emotionally than admitting when a serious relationship has reached its end. The hardest thing to do is let go. But I think that's where you're at.

There is not really any profound advice to be had here. Take what you have learned and apply it to your next relationship. Learn and grow...

 

[RASQ]

truth.

She told you what she wanted, you didn't do it and someone else did. You snooze you lose.

bingo!

 

[Rem07]

I wish I could give more info without writing an entire book. Maybe if you guys knew all the details you would answer differently. I know everyone is being honest and I get where everyone is coming from. I'm not in denial I just see it differently. There is a reason she didnt stay with him, there is a reason she won't let me go either. Everyone we talk to about it backs us up and says we should pursue it. I think its just hard cus I expect it go back to normal but it needs time to heal. I have been showing her I care now and I know it may be too late but I dont want to give up not only for me but there is so much history behind us and I have saved her from so much in life and I want to be there for her.

 

[thatbigsecret]

I don't think ending it is giving up, it's just moving forward, as much progress as you could have pulling through. Personally, I agree we can't know all of the details (nor should we), but what you've told us led us to the answers provided for a reason: most likely similar experiences. Do what you feel is right or best, but know that if you've been where we've been, we probably did what you hope to do and it just didn't work out like we thought either. Who knows, maybe you'll have a different outcome/experience, but I'm with everyone else on this one, too.

Regardless, thanks for sharing and listening anyhow...I wish you the best!

 

[SpexyAshleigh]

You need to let her go. She came to you, communicated her needs and you flat out ignored her. What goes around, comes around my friend. If you don't cater to your spouses needs, someone else will. Relationships take WORK. You simply didn't do the work. She deserves better, and hopefully she'll find it. Take this as a lesson and hopefully a stepping stone to a better, more functioning relationship. Good luck.

 

[MMMariah]

This is one of those truth hurts too much to accept situations. You aren't meant to be. Five years is a long time and while it's clear she isn't sure what she wants, it's very clear she knows what she doesn't want.

Man up and let her go. Don't be a pussy about it because she won't respect you if you do. Don't be one of those idiots who helps her move and find a place or any of that. She made the choice to leave, so let her leave and figure out how to do that all by herself. I know it sounds harsh but I'm telling you it's the best play here. She might need a breather. She might need to have something fresh to compare you to to see if you are indeed the one she wants. Give her the space but make her do it on her own. And by all fucking means don't go running if she calls in a month and wants to get together. Tell her you're busy even if you aren't. Make her do it on your time.

I've always been the person who doesn't stress over being cheated on or being with someone who might want something else. My theory is go ahead and do it, just don't come back to me. When you're gone you're gone. There are others out there. You just need to be more in tune to what THEY want out of the relationship next time around. You clearly by your own admission dropped the ball.

Good luck with it.

 

[Bonezstorm]

I guess everything is said about your issue. You both had your chances and if I were you I would never forgive and forget that she cheated on you with that guy. If a woman cheats on you once, she always will.

 

[Mr_Stiffy]

Maybe if you guys knew all the details you would answer differently.

Everyone always thinks that. Everyone always thinks they're different, and that outsiders looking in don't understand. Been there. Everyone goes through the same shit, and acceptance of that comes with experience. When you're young, you'll ignore the exact same advice that you've heard yourself give to other people in the same situation time and time again, because "we're different." You aren't.

Everyone we talk to about it backs us up and says we should pursue it.

All your similarly college-aged friends?

She might need a breather. She might need to have something fresh to compare you to to see if you are indeed the one she wants. Give her the space but make her do it on her own. And by all fucking means don't go running if she calls in a month and wants to get together.

Boom. Been there too.

I got dumped and completely unbeknownst to me at the time, left for another guy that she had cheated on me with shortly before she ended it. She came crawling back after six weeks and like a dick I took her straight back, and it took me a year to find out what she had done. Which I found out while I was investigating my suspicions that she was currently cheating on me. Which she was. Which I was looking into because of the weird sense of déjà vu to the last time she dumped me, shortly after mysteriously going cold on me, and because I didn't trust her any more. Which is right where you are now.

If a woman cheats on you once, she always will.

Boom.

By the way, don't get hung up on "it was only a kiss" as opposed to fucking him. It was an emotional betrayal/violation of trust (Oh look, there's that word again), to the point that, like I say, you're asking all of us about what to do.

Or maybe you're better off making your own mistakes and learning from them, I dunno. You Might stand a better chance of finding a stronger relationship going forward if you persevere, get properly fucked over and learn from it, rather than look back and wonder "what if" because you broke up with someone because strangers from a forum told you to.

 

[bobjustbob]

5 years together and in college. You've been getting your dick wet on a regular basis since high school. that's nice to have. It was working for you but not for her. If she wants to "take a break" then handle it for what it is. Taking a break is not we both will sit home and reflect alone. It's a time for both of you to find out what you want from others. If you take this as anything else then you the schmuck waiting by the phone while she is out on the weekends.

 

[Harpsman]

Sorry dude but it's over. Looks like she's been looking an excuse out?
Gotta move on. Sad but true.
Good luck.