Hi again guys.. thank you all for keeping me in your thoughts and for giving me your support and your votes. I wanted to fill you all in on whats going on since many of you have asked. Here are some more christmas pics for you and a blog update. Im really lucky and glad to be surrounded by such beautiful women and men. Love you guys. !
AN OPEN HEART.. FROM MINE TO YOURS
Hey guys..I didnt want to have to post this blog, because its christmas and I wasnt sure if posting was right or not. I have always been an open book to my friends and fans, I have always let you see good bad and ugly. I debated over this because it is a very personal issue and a very trying time for me but I decided that Im not changing who I am because something is too personal. You guys have supported me loved me and been there through all my ups downs good times bad times. So I write this because I am staying true to me and to you. A lot of you know ive been dealing with a lot of health issues latley sprining back from november after glamourcon. I have given some details but I havent really told everyone whats going on and a lot of you have been concerned. A few friends close to me told me not to mention the truth about whats going on because it will bring back a lot of negative from people who have ill will, are jealous, mean spirited and so on. I know that there are a few that will be happy and relish in the fact that something bad is happening to me because it brings in a positive for them. (believe it or not there are some mean ass people out there).
I am writing this with tears in my eyes because im scared, im scared and im frustrated and angry. You all know me as the bubbly loveable taylor, that i am. But we all have a side we hate to bring out but it comes out from time to time. I try hard to give you all the best of me all the time, but every superman has their kryptonite. This blog post is only for those who want to know whats going on and care. I could use your prayers and your love right now.
Back in Long beach at glamourcon, I was feeling a lot of pain after the flight there and went through a lot of pain, at first I thought it was muscle pain and tried the icy hot patches and massages, but the day of glamourcon I all of a sudden got very cold and sick and felt this stabbing pain in my chest, back and side. I went to the emergency room where they did a ton of tests on me and then proceeded to tell me I needed a biopsy because there was a mass a large mass in my chest between my heart and lungs. Thinking I was going back to Canada soon I thought I could deal with the pain and then face the doctors when I got back home, so I discharged myself from St. Mary's in longbeach and went back to the hotel. I still managed to do a photoshoot that day but then that night the pain got worse and worse and I had to go to emergency where they kept me overnight and performed a biopsy to see if this tumor was begnin. After a few days I found out that the tumour was begnin but it had to be removed as soon as possible because its already very large and growing and if its not removed soon it would become malignant.
After arriving home I had a doctors appt right away, and had all the information from the hospital, including CT scan and what not. The pain still is as it was unbearable. The doctor here wanted me to have another biopsy right away because the hospital in Long beach did not get enough tissue to test. The other day I went for the lung biopsy and it was one of the most painful things I ever had to experience. It wasnt supposed to hurt but my lung collaspsed during the biopsy and the pain is practically unbearable even with pain killers.
I got to see the tumour and its sitting on my heart between my lungs and heart and is in a very dangerous spot. The doctors diagnosis was that it was originally diagnosed as a Thymoma however the new biopsy was to test for Lymphoma. I wont find out the results of that biopsy till Xmas eve morning. (merry xmas to me). My surgeon wanted to schedule a surgery asap regardless of the outcome so today I had my preop which included a bunch of tests, nurses telling me how much pain im going to be in and that I will have to be in the hospital 5 days minimum including new years eve. My surgery date is scheduled for december 30th, the doctor was on vacation during that time and is coming in specifically to do my surgery due to the severity of it. On Xmas eve.. when santa is delivering his presents I will find out if it is cancer or not. Either way its a double edged sword. If the tumor is begnin the surgery will go as scheduled on December 30th which includes severe pain, scars, and high risk of something going wrong because of the size of the tumour (its huge) and location, If its cancer then the chemotherapy begins and with that comes side effects.
Im still trying to digest the thought that I may have cancer and that this is happening to me. Im being brutally honest here with everyone because the emotion I feel right now is intense and there are not many people in my life that I have to share this news with. My first thought was what scars ? no way im not doing it. How unreal is that ? Im faced with life and death and my first thought was cosmetic. Its hard to even say out loud. Right now im in the hurry up and wait till friday moment. Im in a lot of pain and im trying to be strong and carry on like normal but its a struggle. Im just really sad and angry at a lot of things right now. But im really lucky when I think about who I have in my corner and that I have a lot of people who love and care about me and genuinely see me as person and not just some model or just big tits etc. I wanted to open up about this sooner but I was hesitant for many reasons. But If i wasnt true to you guys I wouldnt be true to myself.
I want to thank all of you who are still voting every day at
www.vote4tay.com and for those of you who ask me every day how my hospital visit went etc, for the emails, the flowers, the cards the gifts and mainly the kind words. You are all amazing. I know there are those of you who are reading this ( you know who you are) that are hoping for the worst for me, and thats fine but I will pull through this. I will stay strong. I have been through hell and back in my life and I wont let a little cancer stop me. I just wanted you all to know that I havent not been around because I didnt want to be. This is what ive been dealing with every day. Driving to the hospital has become a regular thing. Bloodwork, chest x rays, etc have been plentiful.
Im sad to say I wont be at the AVN's this year because I will be spending new years in the hospital and have to stay a minimum of 5 days if there are no complications. Im really upset to be missing the AVN's and seeing my fans and bouncing around for you guys. I will be online though at the
free fanclub from now till surgery and as soon as the doctor gives me the okay after that. Im sorry to be the downer during this time of year, I just had to let this out and let you all know whats really going on. Please wish me luck , your prayers and your well wishes and thoughts mean everything to me. Friday is judgment day.
I wish you all an amazing xmas and a great new year ( we all need a great new start to the year). I will still be around till then and after (crosses fingers) I just wanted to be an open book or open heart so all of you knew where I was coming from and why I wouldnt be at the AVN's this year. And I want you all to be with me thru this.
Im angry and I ask god or whomever why this is happening to me. I spend my life being healthy doing everything right and why is this happening to me ? But things happen for a reason and I believe I just need to over come this. For those who think this is gonna stop me from doing me.. think again. Ill still be bouncing around kicking ass and taking names. I think its ironic I did a shoot for breast cancer just recently and im now faced with the possibility of lymphoma. Im going through so many emotions right now its hard to define. Im just lucky to have all of you in my life. Your not just numbers to me you never were. I know so many of you have faced similar or tough struggles in your life and Im gonna take that energy and be strong. This is one of the toughest times of my life right now and I cant thank you all enough for everything. Theres a song right now that I listen to over and over all day because it keeps me postive. I would love for all of you listen to it its by Nicki Minaj (of course lol). Its called fly...Here are the lyrics:
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly
To fly
[Nicki Minaj]
I wish today it will rain all day
Maybe that will kinda make the pain go awayTrying to forgive you for abandoning me
Praying but I think I’m still an angel away
Angel away, yeah strange in a wayMaybe that is why I chase strangers away
They got their guns out aiming at me
But I become near when they aiming at me
Me, me, me against them
Me against enemies, me against friendsSomehow they both seem to become one
A sea full of sharks and they all see blood
They start coming and I start rising
Must be surprising, I’m just summising
Win, thrive, soar, higher, higher, higher
More fire
[Rihanna - Chorus]
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly
To fly
[Nicki Minaj - Verse 2]
Everybody wanna try to box me in
Suffocating everytime it locks me in
Paint they own pictures than they crop me in
But I will remain where the top begins
Cause I am not a word, I am not a line
I am not a girl that can every be defined
I am not fly, I am levitation
I represent an entire generation
I hear the criticism loud and clear
That is how I know that the time is near
So we become alive in a time of fearAnd I aint got no muthaf-cking time to spare
Cry my eyes out for days upon days
Such a heavy burden placed upon me
But when you go hard your nay’s become yay’s
Yankee Stadium with Jay’s and Kanye’s
[Rihanna - Chorus]
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly
To fly
[Nicki Minaj - Bridge]
Get ready for it
Get ready for it
Get ready for it
I came to win
Get ready for it
Get ready for it
I came to win
[Rihanna - Chorus]
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly
To fly
I wont let this kill my spirit, this will make me stronger. I love you guys. I really do . No matter what happens I will always be me and I will always be there for you guys as you are for me. I will continue to smile and bounce back I promise ! I wish you all and your families and amazing xmas and a happy new year. We are gonna rock 2011 right ? ! of course we are.
Oh and if you thought that because this post is a not so happy post I wasnt going to post some hot ass sexy pics of me think again. I wont let anything or anyone change me. SO below are some hot ass pictures ! Join the free fanclub by getting your
free screenname for the full set and then some
MUAH !!
