An Etiquette Question... #5

[HappyHapyJoyJoy]

See, I just can't see it that way. Like I said, hierarchy. Your friend has been there for you longer than the significant other. It's the selfish call, and it's the one that causes you the least hassle, you're basically choosing who means more to you and fucking over the other, but that's the call I would (and do) make. My best friend has been there for me through ALL of life's traumas, from problems with bullys to breakups to bereavement. I like his mrs, I would call her my friend, and what my BFFFF is doing to her is horrible, but no way do I give up the truest friendship I have by grassing him in to his other half, even though ethically it's the "right thing."

Well, in my case the guy wasn't exactly my BFF. He was a good guy, and I knew him longer. I liked them both, and was friends with them both. Him more so, but it wasn't to the degree that you're talking about.

Beyond that, I don't think there is a "right thing" at the end of the day. And if put in the situation again I'd be conflicted again. If you want to think about hierarchy, think beyond friendship and into worst case scenarios. With my friend it ended up being crabs, but it very well could have been HIV. That's some pretty serious bad that a few words at the right time could prevent. If things had been that serious I'm honestly not sure I could have lived with myself after the fact.

At the end of it I'd tend to think it'd be an emotional response, and not something I can objectively plan or predict. However, with what I've seen happen I'd tend to think I should speak up. Would I? Maybe. It's tough to say. The callousness of my friend's response is likely playing a factor... perhaps if he'd responded different, or if the outcome had been different? I think ultimately how the friend responds would play a huge role. Still, yeah, tough to say.

While I was closer to the friend who was cheating, ultimately not saying anything does have the worse potential outcome, and not by a small margin. So my experience tells me that speaking up is probably the "lesser evil". I'd like to think that's the road I'd take but... :dunno:

It's a messy, ugly situation with a lot of potential pitfalls no matter what's done.

cool story bro, but you ain't got to lie to kick it here

Yes, because that was a particularly impressive story. I especially like the part about the rocket ship and how I conquered the moon people and they made me their God.

 

[bobjustbob]

Happy, just because you are friends with both of them doesn't involve you in their relationship. Stay out of it. Neither of them can blame you for anything. Your buddy doesn't have to live his life by your standards or ask you permission for anything. So what if he is being an asshole, he isn't cheating on you.

 

[HappyHapyJoyJoy]

Happy, just because you are friends with both of them doesn't involve you in their relationship. Stay out of it. Neither of them can blame you for anything. Your buddy doesn't have to live his life by your standards or ask you permission for anything. So what if he is being an asshole, he isn't cheating on you.

There's nothing to stay out of anymore. It's a hypothetical situation situation based on something that happened... five years ago? Probably more. And a situation that resolved itself.

And you're right, no one has to live by anyone else's standards, but ultimately the person that was being cheated on was a friend as well. It's not about sitting in judgment of anyone, it's about whether or not the other person has a right to know, and whether a friendship with them more or less creates an obligation to tell them.

If someone you had no affiliation to was cheating on a friend of yours, would you tell your friend? The relationship still doesn't involve you, and this other person you don't know doesn't have to live by your standards either, right? But they're fucking over your friend. You wouldn't say something then? I think most people would say yes, and suggest that as a "good friend" you're obligated to. So where and when does that obligation end?

Like I've said, I'm not entirely sure.

 

[Oryan]

I'm glad I'm not friends with half the people here.

Let them work it out? How can they? Your friend doesn't even know what's happening.

Cheating is unacceptable. Not saying anything is just enabling.

 

[RASQ]

 

[RASQ]

 

[RASQ]

 

[bobjustbob]

So your buddy admits to you that he has been cheating. Obviously there has been a problem with this relationship. Something changed over time. Did either of these 2 friends come to you about this problem? No. You had no idea there was a problem. So you really had no idea what was going on in this relationship. Your trusted friends kept you out of the loop as is their prerogative to do so. It was none of your business.

Or maybe your 2 friends didn't have such a serious relationship and you didn't know that. You liked them both just the same and assumed something more was there. However they feel about each other still has nothing to do with you. Either way it is THEIR situation to deal with, not yours. You are not obligated to do anything.

 

[HappyHapyJoyJoy]

So your buddy admits to you that he has been cheating. Obviously there has been a problem with this relationship. Something changed over time. Did either of these 2 friends come to you about this problem? No. You had no idea there was a problem. So you really had no idea what was going on in this relationship. Your trusted friends kept you out of the loop as is their prerogative to do so. It was none of your business.

Or maybe your 2 friends didn't have such a serious relationship and you didn't know that. You liked them both just the same and assumed something more was there. However they feel about each other still has nothing to do with you. Either way it is THEIR situation to deal with, not yours. You are not obligated to do anything.

Actually in the particular situation I was involved in (well... peripherally) they were married with a kid, and there wasn't really a problem. I found out later he was essentially cheating on her the whole time they were together with a bunch of different people (and cheated on pretty much everyone he ever dated, since he basically thought exclusively with his dick).

You are right though, that I wouldn't know what's going on in their relationship. I didn't in fact, nor their history before that.

 

[Harley Spencer]

I would probably just stay out of it. It wouldn't be my business to get involved. If either of them wanted to confide in me for advice or just to let off some steam and have a shoulder to lean on, I'd be there for them, but I wouldn't go out of my way to interfere.

 

[Ari Dee]

Honestly this is what I'd do..

if the person cheating is a long term, close friend and I have only known the significant other a short time, I would confront my friend by telling them that you will not be a part of this whatsoever.
Tell them it puts you in an awkward position and that if they're going to continue on with the affair, you do not want to hear about it or be around it in any context. Also offer to listen to them once and once only, to try to hear what they think the problem in their relationship is to cause them to cheat. Be a friend, if they want to work on it or need someone to talk to, offer it. But also let them know you don't want to be a part of it. People cheat because something is wrong with their relationship or they can't respect the relationship they're in. That's not on your shoulders.

If I had known the significant other for a long time or was equally close with them, I would tell the cheater that they need to come clean or you can't be around them any longer.

That way you've said your peace and neither partner of the relationship can justify any anger towards you if things come to a head/ the truth comes out.

Because one of the worst things for someone whose been cheated on, can be finding out that everyone they know also knows. Really makes them feel like a fool. I've watched a lot of friends go through it and it can be a really tough situation. Just say your peace to the cheater and offer to lend your ears once if they need it, etc. Don't be a part of it though.

Godspeed.

 

[baumfolders]

stuck between a rock and a hard place- start saving for a therapist for your self or a body guard

 

[Mr_Stiffy]

I'm actually in the situation you've described, where the friend is the cheating party, near enough. My best friend of 17 years is carrying on two affairs behind the back of his girlfriend of four years and mother of his daughter, who I get on really well with and consider my friend. But I wouldn't dream of saying anything, it's not my place. Everyone has a hierarchy, and mine goes (1) Myself, (2) My BFFF. I tell him he's a bastard, but I wouldn't dream of dropping him in the shit.

Well, this situation has come back and bitten me on the ass, tonight, on New Year's Eve of all nights.

My BFFF requests a picture with me and two other friends. He gives his phone to the mother of his child to take the photo. At this exact moment he gets a text from one of his mistresses that says "Can't wait" - mistress in question is saved in his phone as "Wild Thing". His other half drags him upstairs to try and explain himself. Hours pass. They only come downstairs for a break when she needs a cigarette. She gives his mobile to our mate's girlfriend who she considers neutral, to vet any texts that come in. None come.

His mrs corners me and asks "Look, I know you're going to take his side. But, is something going on? I'm asking as the mother of his child." I say "You can't put me in that position, he's my best friend." She repeats the question. I say nothing. Leathered, right there in the moment, I didn't know what to say. I've been his alibi many times, but I couldn't lie to her face. She stared into me and asked "Recently?? On-going??" and again, I couldn't say anything. I love the guy, but I'm not going to lie for him. She said "You don't have to say anything." I turned around and went into his garden, wet underfoot from the rain, in my socks, to join the others for a cig. I don't smoke.

About 30 mins later the BFFF grabs me and asks me to step outside. He says "I know you haven't told her anythings happening, but what you DIDN'T say has made her think something IS going on. When she asks, tell her you don't know anything for sure." I say "Probably best I go home," but he stops me going home. Clearly, that would have been suspicious, like I went before she could ask me anything else. She comes back downstairs, they argue in the kitchen for another 30 minutes or so, then continue the argument upstairs, before she asked me anything else. At that point, the rest of us all go home and leave them to it, for better or worse.

So, when push came to shove, I've probably lost my best friend of 17 years because my stupid principles stopped me lying to protect him, even though by NOT telling his other half what he's been doing, I've been lying by omission the whole time.

Happy New Year.

 

[HappyHapyJoyJoy]

That sucks in a lot of ways. By using as an alibi he kinda stuck you in the middle of it, putting you in a shitty position.