Okay dude, not everything is simple ...
I hope you read all of this, because it's always in your best interest to do such ...
I've never had a girlfriend in my entire life and I've been rejected by every girl I've ever asked out.
It happens. I was rejected a shitload (maybe a good dozen times) before things just started "falling into place" for myself in early high school. I'm a bit of a geek and a goof, even though I was a 3-sport athlete (and popular, American sports, not lesser known).
But understand I'm glad things were like that. Yes, I'm glad. Because I was only with women who enjoyed myself. Some did later date me for status (yes, things changed within a year for some reason), but I quickly realized that they were not ones I enjoyed. Be patient and things will work for you, don't be eager other than to find someone compatible.
Now with that said ...
However, today, at work, things went a bit differently. A co-worker of mine who I hit on everday and have asked out too many times to count said to me today "You are incredibly nice. I would so date you if I didn't have a boyfriend.
First off, if she's already rejected you several times before, cool off a bit on asking her (even if she doesn't have a boyfriend in the future). Sometimes women -- who even like a guy -- will feel "suffocated" if men ask them out. Weird, I know, but it's just the case.
And don't tell any woman you haven't had a girlfriend. You can tell that them much later, when you're more into her. And even then, be coy about it, like "I've never been this close with anyone."
I was just telling Cathy (another co-worker) this the other day. I swear to God would. IF I DIDN'T have a boyfriend." She then proceeded to wish me a good weekend and went home.
Dude, don't gossip. I know, I know, it's hard not to, especially when it makes you feel wonderful, but one thing about earning the trust of a woman is to not relay what she says. It shows her that she can confide in you. Being able to confide in a man is often a direct avenue to trust. And a direct avenue to trust is often a serious relationship.
Keep what women say to you to yourself, unless someone else directly prompts you. And even then, be discreet. It's very important to limit what others know.
Did she say that just to be nice and to build my self-esteem (after all, she DOES have a boyfriend so why even say it), or did she truly mean it and for whatever reason wanted to inform me? Any clue?
It means she's having trouble with her boyfriend and she likes to remind herself that other men are more considerate. It could mean anything.
I talk more about this below, in your latter post ...
I'm currently on cloud 9 right now and need a does of reality. It's a weird thing to say considering I've asked her out like 50 times and each time she's said no.
Dude, chill. She thinks you're a nice guy. That's a good start. Be considerate and discreet and it may go further, especially if they break up.
It's nice to feel wanted. Enjoy the complement. But don't read too much into it.
Again, more below ...
lol, yeah I usually never have confidence. However, there's a freaking blizzard outside so going out isn't really an option.
E-mail, IM, phone calls all work. Phone calls are the best because it's more personal. Vocal language is everything, although you have to control it so any over-infatuation doesn't come out.
No, they're just good friends and Cathy's married. And yes, I bet she does look hot in black & crying tears of grief.
Fantasize about her. Enjoy her complements. But in person, keep some distance.
Again, more below ...
So it was probably a line of bullshit? Hmph, thought as much.
No, it's not. A lot of women need to be "reminded" what's important to them. Having a "nice guy" around is one way. It reminds them that not all of us are assholes.
The only problem is that some women expect a lot, so "we're all assholes" in some of their minds. Finding a woman who realizes that we're all not that can be more difficult than you realize. Some women, like men, have unreasonable expectations, and expect to be able to change the "values" of their partners.
Right now she considers you a non-asshole. The question is if her boyfriend is really an asshole or not. Because, if you end up with her and he wasn't, then you're the "new asshole." Again, be careful.
Alright, so today she was saying how much she hated her boyfriend, that he wasn't worth shit, and how there are no good guys left in the world.
Be wary of women who speak in absolutes. It could be ...
- Her boyfriend just gets on her nerves
- Her boyfriend did, really fuck up
- Her boyfriend really is an asshole
In the case of the first, it's just been building for awhile, and it may happen with anyone. In the case of the middle, she's making a massively huge deal over something, and it could be justified. The question is if it's enough that she'll leave him. It may not be. In the latter, maybe he is a real asshole and she's finally considering breaking it off.
I told her straight out that her boyfriend isn't worth shit, treats her like shit, and that I wanted to go out with her and that I would treat her with respect.
Dude, not good, not good at all.
First off, when women are in relationships, you just broke two (2) major rules -- at least in my book (you're free to disagree):
1. You
never judge her boyfriend,
never put a value on their relationship
2. You
never involve your affection for her, and
never say you'd "treat her better"
Side Note: The only exception is if he's beating her physically. And make sure she's not starting the physical altercations (have met two women who were such, and then ran crying like they were innocent). In that case, she needs to be separated from her partner immediately, and it should not be you, but another woman friend she has. Then start involving a professional (not necessarily police) and they will help her decide (if she wants to go to the police, which she should if he really is beating her).
In most cases, what you
should do is ...
A.
Do point out when he is wrong, "you shouldn't be treated like that." Make a judgement on the action, not the person. It's important to not reduce it to "him blah, he blah." It should be on the action he commits.
B.
Do tell her she needs to confront him on this, talk to him like she does you. That's very important that they have that in their relationship.
If they don't, she'll be much quicker to realizing what she doesn't have, and end it. If they do have a good understanding in their relationship, then you'll not only help someone you like, but other women will notice. It's nice to want and hope. It's even nicer to be wanted, and sometimes that takes not wanting.
She, of course, refused, stating she loves her boyfriend.
Like and love are two different things. The first thing you'll realize in
any relationship is that you can love someone and hate them at the same time. No one likes all-the-time when they are in love. The question is where does the "hate" come from. Is it individual actions? Is it on him? Or is it on her? In reality, it's on both, but the problem is that "blame" tends to be thrown one-sided, and the problem is not solved.
I swear to my Holy God in heaven that I'm sick of this shit.
Get used to it. There is no end of women who either have asshole boyfriends or, worse yet, don't value their male partners and confide with other men outside of their relationship. The latter is a major reason why relationships fail, because partners don't keep things inside of their relationship.
Being the "nice guy" doesn't always mean the women are good for you. Their confiding in you can actually be a danger sign. Just be careful.
There was another girl at work today that said I was a nice, good, and respectful young man who would make a great husband, yet she stays with her deadbeat, abusive boyfriend. I seriously feel like going Taxi Driver on every woman I've ever encountered.
He he, dude, get over it. Trust me, laugh at their folly. I know, I know, it means you're alone, but look at it this way -- you don't have to "put up with their shit" either.
Understand that when one's in a relationship, one gets to see all the sides of a person, 24x7 (or close), at least after any duration. How that affects one and how one views the person in a relationship not only says a lot about them but a lot about one. So what you could be hearing is either, "my boyfriend really is an asshole" or "I'm tired of my boyfriend's shit."
The former is often because they are seriously considering leaving him. The latter is not always the case, but a "tired of his/her shit" commonality. That sometimes people don't appreciate what they have. It's hard to tell from only one-side of the story.
But here's YOUR key
She has a boyfriend right now. You have to respect that. That means do
not undermind it. If you really like her and want the best for her, you can neither encourage or discourage the relationship When she complaints about him, you can comfort her, but don't add to her dislike. Instead, you can flip it back into her court.
"I like that you feel you can confide this in me, but obviously I can't help him see it. Have you tried confiding in him what you told me? Relationships are built on honesty. Do you have that with him?"
That tells her all she needs to know. You don't want to be hurt and, worse yet, you don't want to be her outlet. Ironically, being a woman's outlet can actually hurt your chances with her. She'll soon mistake confiding in you as "the solution" to her lack of confiding with the man she allegedly loves. And that means you've just introduced yourself as "the solution," only you don't get the love, understanding and intimacy that goes with it.
Instead, by listening but trying to help her work through her issue -- including reminding her to talk to him -- you show maturity, you show consideration, you show that you are someone who knows how to listen, but also keep her in-line. It's okay to be soft and comforting, but remind her she has chosen her man she should be doing that with. And if he's not the right man for that,
let her independently realize that is you.
Other women will notice this, other, single women, maybe even her at some point in the future.
When I was 18-20, I had a lot and I mean a
lot of 28-35 year old women hitting on me at work -- all married or in serious relationships. Why? They were questioning their relationships. It started at the typical 18+ months which is when the "newness" is completely "worn off." It starts at 6 months and is typically gone at 18 months -- 1.5 years. So by year 3 or 4, people get that feeling of, "is this as good as it gets?" Women far more than men, because men often feel the comfort later, whereas women tend to look for comfort and then questioning it later (at least in what I've read and have seen).
A few were beautiful women, very irresistible. A couple even wanted me to cheat on my girlfriend if I had ones at the time. A few others hit me up when I wasn't with one. I really avoided the "taken" women, and I avoided critizing their partner. Most worked it out. A few others did not (and I did sleep with a few of them some 3 months after any divorce / break-up -- giving them some time, and not sleeping with them soon afterwards).
The key is not to criticize other men, but their individual actions. And also remember you're hearing only one side of the story. I know you want to engage in intimacy, we all do. But some women are not worth it or, worse yet, you can set yourself up for failure, even with the right women. There are ways to show you care without being the "other half" that she wants out of her relationship, only you're the "other half" of the guy that doesn't get to enjoy the "other half" her boyfriend actually has.
