wife's drinking ruining our marriage

[pancha]

here we go. . .

i am out of options, and I would appreciate a fresh perspective from those willing to give serious advice, opinions, and thoughts. please do not post remarks that make fun of the situation, as this is NO joke.

for years now, i have had this problem. it doesn't matter if its a night out at the bar, a spur of the moment choice to go out, a family gathering, you name it. when she drinks, she does not understand the concept of enjoying a couple or a few and stopping. she has to keep drinking until she is completely gone.

this loses its humor when you are constantly embarassed in front of friends, acquaintances, family from both sides, etc. What really has become the problem is the dangerous situations she puts herself in. Needless to say how many a-holes there may be out there that could look to take advantage of her, but when there isn't someone there to babysit her every step of the way, she has somehow managed to drive home on several ocassions.

not to mention the time I was woken up by a police officer asking if i owned a certain car. puzzled, i said yes, and he asked why it was parked in the middle of the main street three blocks down the road?!?! i wasn't about to tell him she was out last night, came home crying and slurring to where i couldn't understand a thing, and that she probably left it there in her drunken stupor.

just recently, she was dropped off by some friends while another dropped off her car as she got tore up at a baby shower. I wasn't home at the time, so she decdided to get in her car and drive to another bar. Again, i get a call, unable to understand most of what she is saying, left to wonder what the fuck is going on! all i could make out was she was lost, come get her. . . mind you i had no idea where she was.

as per usual, she denies EVERYTHING the next day. she denies it all, even what i have seen with my own eyes. so how am i suppossed to trust what goes on that I DO NOT see?!

i am at wits end here people. I do not like her coming home in this manner, allowing my son to see this behavior, i hate teh stress and worries of wondering where she is at, what is going on, if she is ok, etc.
I am waiting for a cop to knock on the door and either tell me she is in a wreck, dead, or has killed someone else.

she believes saying sorry and i love you will make it all go away, make everything better. i am beyond that point! this has gone on too long, and while she has cut down dramatically, it still happens wtih much more frequency than i would like or that i will tolerate. cutting back on teh amount of times does not solve the problem! it does in her eyes, but not mine!

am i wrong here?! i am so stresed and fed up with this. i have told her its over. not sure how to proceed, how to work out the living arrangements, etc, but i see no future if this continues, and i do not see her stopping anytime soon. sure, it might slow her down for some time, but all this does is delay the inevitable.

I really need some help

 

[delphian]

Best thing to do is get rid of her. People like that will never change. I was stuck in a relationship with a girl for 7 years that had the same problem. She didn't drink as frequently, but any time she did drink it was the same old story. One drink is too many, a thousand is never enough.

 

[sputnikgirl]

I have a similar problem, and I'm not even married. :thumbsup:

I think in your case it's either ultimatum or intervention time. First try the intervention with family and maybe one or two close friends. If she still refuses to see that she has a problem, then you're going to have to make an awful decision. You may not want to leave her, but some people have to literally lose everything in their life before they attempt to get help.

Also, if you know she's driving while intoxicated, or even suspect it, that's the life of whoever she kills on your hands. She could easily ruin both of your futures with lawsuits, medical bills, etc.

 

[Sherlock_Holmes]

Other than an intervention of some sort I don't really know what you could do. Obviously she is not communicating with you by her denials. Personally I think it's a total lack of respect towards you since she obviously doesn't seem to care what you think since she does it time and time again.
I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years and we have 2 babies together. If she became what you described I seriously could not see our relationship lasting. For you it basically comes down to is she willing to talk about the issue in an adult way without blowing it off. She sounds like an alcoholic and from my own experiences within my one family/relatives those relationships didn't work out too well.

 

[jamrak]

seriously, it is a very big problem. I am sad to hear stuff like that, cuz I know myself perfectly well what hard drinking could lead to.

this is a real trouble when an important human in your life is involved in that addiction. you can spend all your life trying to help her, fighting that habit, trying to cure her, convincing her to stop. but chances that you will achieve a success in all that attempts are very low.

I understand, that it is very hard to make such a descisions. But since you had asked for advice, I'd say: divorce is the solution. Until it is to late. What do I mean? I mean that you can spoil your life completely, with all that scandals, negative emotions, despair, and everyday troubles. I know how it happen. It is VERY hard to live with a person who has problems with alcohol. It is very painful, and it affects your mental health a lot. Day after day. Try to forget her. Try to erase her from your life. Because, I am affraid, that you will have to do it anyways, soon or later. It is just a matter of time. But you can loose a lot of time, this is your life. And you better spend that time in search for another person, with whom you can be happy. Though, I understand that it is not easy to divorce if you still love her. But.... but I just had seen very bad examples. Maybe you will be more lucky, still my advice is to keep that woman as far from your life as possible. She will bring you troubles and PAIN.

 

[negator]

ouch. with a young'un in the house, you've got to fix this.

two strategies emerge:

1) videotape her in full uproar. show her the tape while she is sober. then slap her with the ultimatum.

2) get your son involved. is she his mother? how old is he? maternal feelings are possibly the strongest urges a human can feel. if you can tap into those, she might get the help. make her understand, his life is on the line.

:2 cents:hope this helps.

 

[g-spot-finder]

you can not tell someone else what to do.i have been in the same situation.i also have that problem.what really took the cak e is when i met a woman that had the same problem i had.don't blame it all on her.it is un-controllable.trust me,i know.there are alcoholic's that are happy when they are drunk and some get mean and or crazy.until she quit's drinking and stay's quit you can forget it,because i promise you there will be bad bad bad problems down the road.that is sad to hear but it is proven.i am one of the nicest guy's you have ever seen,but get me drunk and push my buttons a little and i am a f--king ass-ole.i hold back things that happen to me when i was young and drinking brings that out.i could kill someone when i am drunk but the next day it scares me to death,if i even remember it.hope this helps and i hope you can work this out with her.

 

[pancha]

thank you all for your responses, it means alot to me right now. i don't know how to proceed or what it is i am going to do, but hearing everyone's thoughts on this really helps. at least i know i am not crazy or over-reacting.
financially, we depend on each other to pay bills and the mortgage, but i could work around that. the issue is my child. i am not about to allow him to go with her. don't get me wrong, she is great with him, but i do not want him around her when she is like that, whether its once a week, once a month, or every other month.
this fucking sucks!!!

thanks for everything guys and gals, keep it coming! i'll get thru this somehow!

 

[Violator79]

My dad was an alcoholic and it ruined my parent's marriage a long time ago. If you truly care for her, get her to rehab any way you can. My dad went to rehab 3 years after my parent's got divorced and only because my mother persuaded him to go. Do not give up on her by any means. Like someone else said earlier, try intervention, something, anything to get her the help she needs. I take your word that she's as bad as you say she is. If that's the case, she has a one way ticket to an early grave. Trust me, I've seen it with my own eyes. My dad would be dead if he didn't go to rehab and he's been sober for 22 years. I don't know how long you've been married and how old she is, but no one is too far gone to get help. Since talking has failed and you're out of options, normally I don't condone this, but drag her to rehab. I mean physically. Do it not only for her and yourself, but also for your kids. I'm sure you'd be willing to hear her scream at you and say she hates you if you do that instead of not having her around to say anything at all. I'm not married so I truly don't know what your situation's like but I have an idea. I do wish you and your wife good luck during this time. I hope things works out with her.

 

[calpoon]

what everyone has been saying is harsh, but true. wish there was a "nice" way to deal with the situation, but there isn't.

the only way that people change is because they want to, or because they have no other choice.

I'm the same way. when I drink my quantity judegment goes out the window and I think, "hey, i'll just keep drinking." Because that's not a fun time I just don't drink at all anymore. But that was my own appraisal of the situation and my decision to do that.

best of luck.

 

[Becks...poamr]

Aside from everything else, have you considered taking her car keys away?

 

[Torre82]

I'll take her. She cant raid my mini bar, but she's welcome to go waste her cash on the bars.

 

[Facetious]

Panch - I hope that she arrives at her rock bottom in short order without harming others. An alcoholic / addict typically has to hit those lowest, most embarrassing moments at least twice maybe three or four times. Offer her hope, tell her you love her, tell her you hate her ! The monster in her, that is.
Remedy is solely up to the individual. You can't force her to drop the bottle . .period ! It has to come from within herself. Her creator willing, she'll eventually want her dignity back.

Also, if you know she's driving while intoxicated, or even suspect it, that's the life of whoever she kills on your hands. She could easily ruin both of your futures with lawsuits, medical bills, etc.

Preach it girl !

You may want a brief session of some legal council. Bring your pocket recorder and allow for her to hear what's at stake if something catastrophic were to occur. There may be some things that you can do to alleviate yourself damages in the event of (?)


Maybe print this thread out for her to read so she can see what you're going through. Tell her to retain it and read it over and over and . .
Hang tough Chief !

 

[LBP 76]

You have a serious problem with an alcoholic female partner and your solution is to come for potentially life changing advice to a male dominated, porn forum?
'Well there's your problem'.
Sounds like your looking for sympathy more then advice. But if you really want advice, I think an online alcoholic support group would be a better place to start. Also, what about going to an al-anon meeting?
BTW people almost always overdrink because they are unhappy. Why not find out why she is unhappy.

 

[Magnet]

I have a similar problem, and I'm not even married. :thumbsup:

I think in your case it's either ultimatum or intervention time. First try the intervention with family and maybe one or two close friends. If she still refuses to see that she has a problem, then you're going to have to make an awful decision. You may not want to leave her, but some people have to literally lose everything in their life before they attempt to get help.

Also, if you know she's driving while intoxicated, or even suspect it, that's the life of whoever she kills on your hands. She could easily ruin both of your futures with lawsuits, medical bills, etc.

Once again I agree with you :1orglaugh

Ultimatum or intervention would be the best options. Maybe get her to go some AA meetings. If she refuses, and you said your at Witts end. I dont see any other choice but the leave her. She needs to realize she is hurting you, and if she dosent see that then you need to start worrying about your son and yourself.

 

[Facetious]

You have a serious problem with an alcoholic female partner and your solution is to come for potentially life changing advice to a male dominated, porn forum?
'Well there's your problem'.
Sounds like your looking for sympathy more then advice. But if you really want advice, I think an online alcoholic support group would be a better place to start. Also, what about going to an al-anon meeting?

I think that wonderful advice has been posted . . don't you ?

No less then two ladies have chimed in, both with a constructive message.

There's plenty of intelligent people registered here.

I think we're OK.



It sounds like this one may require a touch more than an (a singular) al a non meeting.

:Whew ! After reading post 1 again for the second time:

 

[KBM]

First, let me say I'm sorry your having this issue. I have to tell you that this situation isn't going to go away and by letting it continue you are enabling her. You said she completely denies everything? Get your video camera out and take some footage of her being completely out of control. Sit her ass in front of the tv and ask her WTF is this shit? Tough love my friend. Intervention, ultimatums, the whole enchilada. Do it fast and don't wait because if something happens (God forbid) you will most likely blame yourself for not doing more to stop this. Get her help! She's sick!

Good luck and my best wishes to you.

 

[LBP 76]

I think that wonderful advice has been posted . . don't you ?

No less then two ladies have chimed in, both with a constructive message.

There's plenty of intelligent people registered here.

I think we're OK.

I never said there weren't intelligent people here. There obviously are. But a bastion of well adjusted, unbiased, un-sexist people with healthy viewpoints and years of experience on constructive and mutually respectful male/female relationships? No (myself included).

 

[LBP 76]

And BTW...there is always two sides to every story.

 

[nothingandless]

i'll say this.
drinking has been ruining my life, so i quit. thats after spending some time at a hospital, and i now have to see a counselor.
it's not easy.
your wife will need your support, but she'll have to admit she has a problem, which she obviously does, it's not only affecting her, but the people she lives with and probably cares very much about. if you care at all about her, discuss help, or have an intervention. divorcing her won't solve your problems, there is a child involved.
it'll be hard...
good luck.