(Imagine the following story as a movie. Imagine you're listening in headphones).
TUESDAY
JOAN manages a strip joint called Bare Market. On Ladies Night, she sits in her office with her laptop on. She views a photo of herself in a string bikini. With good reason, she is happy with the picture. Someone knocks on her door.
"Who is it?"
A male voice answers "Ed." She closes the bikini picture and says "Come in, Ed." The fiftysomething janitor mops up a spill and leaves. She views the same picture. Someone else knocks on her door.
She sighs and asks "Who is it?"
"Casper." Let's just say Casper is no Ed. Casper is one of the male dancers. Joan turns her laptop so it faces the doorway.
"Come in, Casper." In comes a very tall bond man with a babyface, wearing only a robe with undershorts. He can't help noticing the picture of the manager in a bikini. "Wow!" is all he can say.
"I took it last year" she says proudly.
"No retouching?" he asks.
"Hell, no." He keeps on looking. Joan asks "Would you like to go on a date with the lady in the picture?"
"Does Pam Anderson have bad taste in men?" is his question-answer.
"How about Friday?" Joan suggests.
He looks some more and says "Friday it is."
FRIDAY AFTERNOON
Casper rides his bicycle to a drugstore. Optimistically, he buys some contraceptives, though he hopes not to need them tonight. Exiting the store, he sees a MILF holding hands with her tot.
Casper (in your left headphone): "Whenever I see such a MILF with her kid, I think to myself-"
Casper (in your right headphone): "It must have been fun making that kid with HER!"
Casper (left headphone): "Hey, how did you know what I was thinking?"
Casper (right headphone): "Well I'm your SELF."
(Left): "Oh"
(Right): "You just reminded me of the Tanya Roberts movie 'Almost Pregnant-'"
(Left): "In which Tanya plays a married woman whose husband can't get her pregnant, so they let an acquaintance of her husband's take a shot at it."
(Right): "But the acquaintance has had a vasectomy, but he wisely keeps mum about that and . . . goes to work."
(Left): "And he fails and fails to get her pregnant."
(Right): "Man, those would be nice failures!"
Silence for five seconds.
(Left): "And tonight I have a date with my boss. Think 'copulate, don't inseminate.'"
(Right): "Sounds like a Bob Marley song."
(Left): Shut up!"
(Right): "Sorry!"
(Left): "That's okay."
Casper reaches his bicycle and mounts it. Some reggae starts playing in both your headphones.
FRIDAY EVENING
Joan has seen Casper undressed before, and casually dressed before, but tonight she sees him dressed to kill . . . as is she. They sit in a nightclub where a jazz trio plays.
Joan: "So, are you glad we're finally renovating at month end?" Casper doesn't seem to hear. He's still looking at the band. Joan: "You're paying more attention to them than to me!"
Casper: "Oh, I'm sorry! I was just lost in a little fantasy there."
Joan: "Tell me about it."
Casper: "I was imagining this little band as a big band--maybe Count Basie's band? And I pictured you singing and dancing in front of the big band. You take off a garment, sing and dance more, take off another garment, until you're wearing only that bikini I saw you in in that picture."
Joan: "Bullshit. You weren't picturing me in a bikini, you were picturing me naked."
Casper: "I was."
Joan: "Alright. On that note, I think it's time we went to my place."
Soon, they're in Joan's car, Joan driving. On the radio, Frank Sinatra sings "The Lady is a Tramp."
Fifteen minutes later, Joan and her date enter her house. They don't hear anything, but her land phone is taking a message: "Hi, it's Ron. It's been awhile. . . Yeah I know I knocked you around a few times, but we should put that all behind us. I want you back, and I KNOW you want ME back. Just tell me when we can get together." Then it sounds as if Ron is putting on an album, perhaps vinyl, and you hear Elvis singing "Are you lonesome tonight? Do you miss me tonight? Are you sorry we drifted apart? Does your memory stray to a bright sunny day when I kissed you and called you 'Sweetheart.' Do the chairs in your parlour seem empty and bare? Do you gaze at your doorstep and picture me there?"
Joan and Casper seem to have heard none of this message. In her bedroom, Casper's tongue laps at her pussy while his index finger rotates around her anus.
Minutes later, Joan entertains Casper's long cock with her lips. She spits on it. Her hand goes up and down his pole, and she sucks again. With one hand on his cock, she pulls on one of the straps of her dress. Casper pulls the other strap away from her, and Casper sees her massive boobs for the first time. "I love 'em" he says, stating the obvious. Joan pulls on his dick, making suction sounds.
Joan turns around and pulls off her dress, Casper taking off her skimpy panties. By turning around, Joan indicates that she wants doggie-style. Casper kisses each of her buttocks and says "Nice!" Then his right hand guides his cock between them. Slap, slap, slap, he goes. Her left hand holds one ass cheek, then his wrist. Casper breathes heavily.
"You like that, huh?" asks the hostess.
"Ohhhh yeah" he replies. As he pumps, he savours her beautiful dark hair and kisses her head.
Four minutes later, Joan wants to taste his dick again, and she does. Then she slides his dick between her 36D boobs, sometimes slapping her nipples with it.
Joan goes into reverse cowgirl style. Casper puts his hands on her hips and she bounces and gasps.
Five minutes later, Joan lies on her back and puts her right leg against his shoulder. They make eye contact as he enters her. Joan lies on her left side and he keeps on pushing. He reaches to fondle her right boob, then she fondles it herself.
Three and a half minutes later, Casper says he's going to cum.
You hear in your headphones "Is your heart filled with pain? Shall I come back again? Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?" Joan opens her mouth to receive her employee's load.
Joan goes to wash her face. Casper wanders into her dining room and notices the light flashing on her answering machine. When Joan surfaces, Casper mentions the message. Joan plays the message, and doesn't look happy about it. She resents the fact that Ron thinks he can just take her back after all his abuse.
Looking at Casper's muscular physique, Joan asks "Would you consider moving in with me? I'd feel safer. He scares me."
Casper: "I'll think about it. The first step is to get a restraining order against him. If he violates that, presumably he's in jail."
Ten days later, Casper moves in. Joan vows not to charge him rent. Ron knows where she lives and where she works. Joan wants Casper with her whenever she's at home or at the Bare Market.
Joan has had the idea of starting a Youtube channel, whereon she would sing karaoke. Just in case her voice didn't make the channel popular, she would display much cleavage. To make the channel more popular with women, Joan asks Casper to sing with her and take off his shirt.
The first song is Sir Paul McCartney's "Maybe I'm Amazed". They take turns on vocals, and kiss passionately during the instrumental. And they upload the video.
EPILOGUE
Eventually, a loser named Ron sees the video. He sees his ex kissing a man leagues more attractive than he is. He knows his chances of getting her back are slim.
He hits the bottle and eventually dies of alcohol poisoning. Joan and Casper make more sexy and romantic videos, and the advertising revenue starts to pour in.
"Who is it?"
TUESDAY
JOAN manages a strip joint called Bare Market. On Ladies Night, she sits in her office with her laptop on. She views a photo of herself in a string bikini. With good reason, she is happy with the picture. Someone knocks on her door.
"Who is it?"
A male voice answers "Ed." She closes the bikini picture and says "Come in, Ed." The fiftysomething janitor mops up a spill and leaves. She views the same picture. Someone else knocks on her door.
She sighs and asks "Who is it?"
"Casper." Let's just say Casper is no Ed. Casper is one of the male dancers. Joan turns her laptop so it faces the doorway.
"Come in, Casper." In comes a very tall bond man with a babyface, wearing only a robe with undershorts. He can't help noticing the picture of the manager in a bikini. "Wow!" is all he can say.
"I took it last year" she says proudly.
"No retouching?" he asks.
"Hell, no." He keeps on looking. Joan asks "Would you like to go on a date with the lady in the picture?"
"Does Pam Anderson have bad taste in men?" is his question-answer.
"How about Friday?" Joan suggests.
He looks some more and says "Friday it is."
FRIDAY AFTERNOON
Casper rides his bicycle to a drugstore. Optimistically, he buys some contraceptives, though he hopes not to need them tonight. Exiting the store, he sees a MILF holding hands with her tot.
Casper (in your left headphone): "Whenever I see such a MILF with her kid, I think to myself-"
Casper (in your right headphone): "It must have been fun making that kid with HER!"
Casper (left headphone): "Hey, how did you know what I was thinking?"
Casper (right headphone): "Well I'm your SELF."
(Left): "Oh"
(Right): "You just reminded me of the Tanya Roberts movie 'Almost Pregnant-'"
(Left): "In which Tanya plays a married woman whose husband can't get her pregnant, so they let an acquaintance of her husband's take a shot at it."
(Right): "But the acquaintance has had a vasectomy, but he wisely keeps mum about that and . . . goes to work."
(Left): "And he fails and fails to get her pregnant."
(Right): "Man, those would be nice failures!"
Silence for five seconds.
(Left): "And tonight I have a date with my boss. Think 'copulate, don't inseminate.'"
(Right): "Sounds like a Bob Marley song."
(Left): Shut up!"
(Right): "Sorry!"
(Left): "That's okay."
Casper reaches his bicycle and mounts it. Some reggae starts playing in both your headphones.
FRIDAY EVENING
Joan has seen Casper undressed before, and casually dressed before, but tonight she sees him dressed to kill . . . as is she. They sit in a nightclub where a jazz trio plays.
Joan: "So, are you glad we're finally renovating at month end?" Casper doesn't seem to hear. He's still looking at the band. Joan: "You're paying more attention to them than to me!"
Casper: "Oh, I'm sorry! I was just lost in a little fantasy there."
Joan: "Tell me about it."
Casper: "I was imagining this little band as a big band--maybe Count Basie's band? And I pictured you singing and dancing in front of the big band. You take off a garment, sing and dance more, take off another garment, until you're wearing only that bikini I saw you in in that picture."
Joan: "Bullshit. You weren't picturing me in a bikini, you were picturing me naked."
Casper: "I was."
Joan: "Alright. On that note, I think it's time we went to my place."
Soon, they're in Joan's car, Joan driving. On the radio, Frank Sinatra sings "The Lady is a Tramp."
Fifteen minutes later, Joan and her date enter her house. They don't hear anything, but her land phone is taking a message: "Hi, it's Ron. It's been awhile. . . Yeah I know I knocked you around a few times, but we should put that all behind us. I want you back, and I KNOW you want ME back. Just tell me when we can get together." Then it sounds as if Ron is putting on an album, perhaps vinyl, and you hear Elvis singing "Are you lonesome tonight? Do you miss me tonight? Are you sorry we drifted apart? Does your memory stray to a bright sunny day when I kissed you and called you 'Sweetheart.' Do the chairs in your parlour seem empty and bare? Do you gaze at your doorstep and picture me there?"
Joan and Casper seem to have heard none of this message. In her bedroom, Casper's tongue laps at her pussy while his index finger rotates around her anus.
Minutes later, Joan entertains Casper's long cock with her lips. She spits on it. Her hand goes up and down his pole, and she sucks again. With one hand on his cock, she pulls on one of the straps of her dress. Casper pulls the other strap away from her, and Casper sees her massive boobs for the first time. "I love 'em" he says, stating the obvious. Joan pulls on his dick, making suction sounds.
Joan turns around and pulls off her dress, Casper taking off her skimpy panties. By turning around, Joan indicates that she wants doggie-style. Casper kisses each of her buttocks and says "Nice!" Then his right hand guides his cock between them. Slap, slap, slap, he goes. Her left hand holds one ass cheek, then his wrist. Casper breathes heavily.
"You like that, huh?" asks the hostess.
"Ohhhh yeah" he replies. As he pumps, he savours her beautiful dark hair and kisses her head.
Four minutes later, Joan wants to taste his dick again, and she does. Then she slides his dick between her 36D boobs, sometimes slapping her nipples with it.
Joan goes into reverse cowgirl style. Casper puts his hands on her hips and she bounces and gasps.
Five minutes later, Joan lies on her back and puts her right leg against his shoulder. They make eye contact as he enters her. Joan lies on her left side and he keeps on pushing. He reaches to fondle her right boob, then she fondles it herself.
Three and a half minutes later, Casper says he's going to cum.
You hear in your headphones "Is your heart filled with pain? Shall I come back again? Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?" Joan opens her mouth to receive her employee's load.
Joan goes to wash her face. Casper wanders into her dining room and notices the light flashing on her answering machine. When Joan surfaces, Casper mentions the message. Joan plays the message, and doesn't look happy about it. She resents the fact that Ron thinks he can just take her back after all his abuse.
Looking at Casper's muscular physique, Joan asks "Would you consider moving in with me? I'd feel safer. He scares me."
Casper: "I'll think about it. The first step is to get a restraining order against him. If he violates that, presumably he's in jail."
Ten days later, Casper moves in. Joan vows not to charge him rent. Ron knows where she lives and where she works. Joan wants Casper with her whenever she's at home or at the Bare Market.
Joan has had the idea of starting a Youtube channel, whereon she would sing karaoke. Just in case her voice didn't make the channel popular, she would display much cleavage. To make the channel more popular with women, Joan asks Casper to sing with her and take off his shirt.
The first song is Sir Paul McCartney's "Maybe I'm Amazed". They take turns on vocals, and kiss passionately during the instrumental. And they upload the video.
EPILOGUE
Eventually, a loser named Ron sees the video. He sees his ex kissing a man leagues more attractive than he is. He knows his chances of getting her back are slim.
He hits the bottle and eventually dies of alcohol poisoning. Joan and Casper make more sexy and romantic videos, and the advertising revenue starts to pour in.
"Who is it?"
