Some more jokes

[URA-10]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy

nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the

house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,

pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain

stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

**************************************************


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the

other is a husband.

**************************************************


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First,

of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card

with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'



"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

**************************************************


****** Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell

you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

**************************************************


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN

THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are

we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen

to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.

You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt

USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?

You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you

what it feels like when I'm driving."

**************************************************


Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was

drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

[URA-10]

Some of these are funny

> PONDERISMS
>
>
>
> I used to eat a lot of natural foods until
> I learned that most people die of natural causes.
>
>
>
>
>
> Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure
> you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
> If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
>replacement.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
>
>
>
>
>
>
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> There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
>
>
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>
>
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> Life is sexually transmitted.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Some people are like Slinkies.
> Not really good for anything,
> but you still can't help but smile
> when you see 'em tumble down the stairs.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
> lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
>
>
>
>
>
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> Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
>
>
>
>
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> In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
> Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
> but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
>
>
>
> ;
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
> "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here,
> and ***** whatever comes out?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there?
> I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
>
>
>
>
>
> If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about
>him?
>
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> If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
>
>
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> If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
>
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> Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face,
> he doesn't like it, but when you take him on a car ride,
> he sticks his head out the window?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive
>faster?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

 

[CaDDaFy]

im not in the mood for jokes, sos pal mabey another time

my mates just married this ***** bird with 1 tit, i think she goes by the name of wong hung low

 

[Stevie]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you
what it feels like when I'm driving."

That was a good one :thumbsup: