Jack the Ripper is Finally Positively Identified

Ace Boobtoucher

Founder and Captain of the Douchepatrol
It took 126 years but Jack the Ripper has finally been identified. During the past 126 years, theories about who committed at least five grizzly ******* back in 1888 has been a mystery. There has never been a dearth of suspects and theories concerning the *******. Now, The daily Mail has revealed the identity of the ******** by analyzing the DNA the killer left on the scarf of one of his victims.

This time it’s not a theory or based on some obscure testimony of an alleged eye witness. This time they have used DNA to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt who was responsible for these *******. It started when a man bought a shawl at an auction belonging to one of the prostitutes, Catherine Eddowes, ****** by the Ripper. Forensic testing found two different DNA samples on the scarf. The first belonged to the victim and the second obviously belonged to her killer. There have been six main suspects in the killings and one of them was a perfect match on the DNA.

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I was kind of surprised it wasn't a royal, but there it is.
 

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