New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad
for classmates.com! There's a reason you
don't talk to people for 25 years. Because
you don't particularly like them! Besides,
I already know what the captain of
the basketball team is doing these
days--mowing my friggin' lawn.
New Rule : Don't eat anything that's
served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all
shocked that a human finger was found
in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost
less than a dollar. What did you FUCKING expect
it to contain?!?!
New Rule : Stop saying that teenage
boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently
damaged. I have a better description
for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule : If you need to shave and
you still collect baseball cards, you're
a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are
keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule : Ladies, leave your eyebrows
alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them?
Okay, we're done. Substitute eyebrows for everything except your tits, ass and that sweet, sweet pussy. Yeah.
New Rule : There's no such thing as
flavored water. There's a whole aisle
of this crap at the supermarket, water,
but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink.
You want flavored water? Pour some
whiskey over ice and let it melt. That's
your flavored water.
New Rule : Stop screwing with old people.
Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle
that's square, with a bigger label. And the
top is now the bottom. And by the time
grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass
will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.
New Rule : The more complicated the
Starbucks order, the bigger the jerk.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order
a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat,
iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with
one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet,"
ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule : I'm not the cashier! By the
time I look up from sliding my card, entering
my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying
the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash
back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid
who is supposed to be ringing me up is
standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule : Just because your tattoo has
Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
spiritual. It's right above the crack of your
butt . And it translates to "beef with
broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual.
You were only under the FUCKING INFLUENCE!
New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a
sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open
of Competitive Eating, because watching
those athletes at the poker table was just
too damned exciting. What's next,
competitive farting??? Oh wait!?
They're already doing that--It's called
"The Howard Stern Show." ARTIE BLASTS ANOTHER FTW!
New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega
M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. (Sounds like something Mitch Hedberg might say..)
New Rule : If you're going to insist on
making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to
give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
so we can see what's playing on the
other show.
New Rule : No more gift registries. You
know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes
and graduations from rehab. Picking
out the stuff you want and having
other people buy it for you isn't gift
giving, it's the white people version
of looting.
New Rule : No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a
towel and a mint like I just had sex with
George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some
freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
your web cam, dude. I just want to wash
my hands.
New Rule : When I ask how old your
toddler is, I don't need to know in months.
"27 Months." "He's two," will do just friggin' fine.
He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care
in the first place.
New Rule : If you ever hope to be a credible
adult and want a job that pays better than
minimum wage, then for God's sake don't
pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh.
If so, then plan your future around saying,
"Do you want fries with that?"
for classmates.com! There's a reason you
don't talk to people for 25 years. Because
you don't particularly like them! Besides,
I already know what the captain of
the basketball team is doing these
days--mowing my friggin' lawn.
New Rule : Don't eat anything that's
served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all
shocked that a human finger was found
in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost
less than a dollar. What did you FUCKING expect
it to contain?!?!
New Rule : Stop saying that teenage
boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently
damaged. I have a better description
for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule : If you need to shave and
you still collect baseball cards, you're
a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are
keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule : Ladies, leave your eyebrows
alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them?
Okay, we're done. Substitute eyebrows for everything except your tits, ass and that sweet, sweet pussy. Yeah.
New Rule : There's no such thing as
flavored water. There's a whole aisle
of this crap at the supermarket, water,
but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink.
You want flavored water? Pour some
whiskey over ice and let it melt. That's
your flavored water.
New Rule : Stop screwing with old people.
Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle
that's square, with a bigger label. And the
top is now the bottom. And by the time
grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass
will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.
New Rule : The more complicated the
Starbucks order, the bigger the jerk.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order
a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat,
iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with
one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet,"
ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule : I'm not the cashier! By the
time I look up from sliding my card, entering
my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying
the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash
back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid
who is supposed to be ringing me up is
standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule : Just because your tattoo has
Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
spiritual. It's right above the crack of your
butt . And it translates to "beef with
broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual.
You were only under the FUCKING INFLUENCE!
New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a
sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open
of Competitive Eating, because watching
those athletes at the poker table was just
too damned exciting. What's next,
competitive farting??? Oh wait!?
They're already doing that--It's called
"The Howard Stern Show." ARTIE BLASTS ANOTHER FTW!
New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega
M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. (Sounds like something Mitch Hedberg might say..)
New Rule : If you're going to insist on
making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to
give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
so we can see what's playing on the
other show.
New Rule : No more gift registries. You
know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes
and graduations from rehab. Picking
out the stuff you want and having
other people buy it for you isn't gift
giving, it's the white people version
of looting.
New Rule : No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a
towel and a mint like I just had sex with
George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some
freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
your web cam, dude. I just want to wash
my hands.
New Rule : When I ask how old your
toddler is, I don't need to know in months.
"27 Months." "He's two," will do just friggin' fine.
He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care
in the first place.
New Rule : If you ever hope to be a credible
adult and want a job that pays better than
minimum wage, then for God's sake don't
pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh.
If so, then plan your future around saying,
"Do you want fries with that?"
