I think porn might have ruined me, and I think I might be done.

[Mr_Stiffy]

I had somewhat of a "dark night of the soul" moment last night. Not that long after I posted this :

Every second I type, I wish I was masturbating instead.

I realized last night when I was trying to put myself to sleep post-fap with about 5 hours due until I had to get up for work... that I might not like who I've become due to porn, near-obsession with nude models and celebrities, and the amassing of visual stimulus for masturbation. I struggled to get to sleep as it dawned on me just how bad things have become over the years.

Since I was young I watched porn, but things weren't always this bad. I had a four year relationship with an actual woman, with actual sex, living together, talking about the future and everything. It's been five years since we split up, but it might as well be fifty. Since her, my physical contact with women has almost entirely been through escorts. My interest in porn got out of control and when I had a hiatus from working things got worse - I signed up here to talk to other people about porn. I've spent stupid amounts of money on clips, site memberships, DVDs, calls and cam sessions. Anything for my next fix. I bought a 1 TB portable drive because I didn't want my hard drive getting full. That should have been a clue - not only was I paying for porn, but also for more storage for my burgeoning porn collection. I never noticed how often I don't get a sensible night's sleep because I want to stay up watching "babe channels" or chatting to other masturbators, but it's very often.

So, last Friday a girl pulled me. I've never been any good with women, not really. All the women I ever got anywhere with had to make the first move on me. This one started a conversation with me, initiated the first kiss, invited me back to hers, and basically did all the work. When I said I should go home, she said I could stay. After I started sleeping on the sofa, she said I could come to bed. I wasn't used to it, even at 32 I've never really had much physical contact with women I barely know unless I'm paying them. There was also lots of chatting, and I thought we got on really well. She seemed shy, despite having seemed obviously keen to get me back in the first place... almost like she wanted it to happen, but she wasn't really that kind of person. Which was fine, neither am I. Several times through waking up in the morning, through the mists of hangover, I asked if I should go, and she kept saying I didn't have to if I didn't want to. Eventually about 1.30 in the afternoon, I needed to go. Her housemates were up and about and I felt horribly awkward and needed to recover some belongings from their living room. I massively panicked and I'd given her my number the night before on paper (before she persuaded me to stay) but she didn't know where it was so she gave me her phone to punch it into - I then told her "Don't one-ring me now though, my battery is dead" which was true, and then I left. And I've spent this week realizing what a dick I was for not getting her number. In my hungover panic attack, I left her my number because I wanted to leave the ball in her court, and didn't want to ask for her number in case she didn't really want to give it me.

So I spent this week thinking.... will she text me (she hasn't yet)? Did I imagine that even through the shy quirkiness that she seemed genuinely interested in me, or was I actually just a drunken mistake? What if she's as shy as I am, and just can't bring herself to text me? Maybe she's as shit at "the game" as I am and doesn't want to text for fear of seeming too eager/easy? Should I pop a note through her letterbox (I know the area, I remember where she lives) as some of the girls at work suggest is "romantic" but I think is too much like being a stalker? I've text my friends who know better about this type of thing. Thankfully not many have give me the truth I'm trying not to face up to : maybe I'm just reading too much into a casual fumble, and I have an unfortunate habit of falling very quickly for any pretty girl that pays me any attention.

So, what has one to do with the other? As I lay there post-wank last night, I realized most people figure this kind of crap out in their teens and early 20s, and I never did. I was ALWAYS that guy that stays in masturbating instead of getting out there, meeting girls, learning how to read signs and learning to NOT try and date every girl that puts her tongue in my mouth. And now, I waste too many evenings on saving more pics than I'll ever need. Creative things I could be doing (and I have projects on the go) are neglected because there are naked girls to look at. When people ask "what did you do last night?" I just say "Nothing" because it's better than the truth. I don't like who I am. It's time to change that. I've been going back to the gym this week, but it's the extra wasted downtime that needs fixing. How much better would I do at work if I was sleeping properly instead of staying up late to toss off? How much keener would I be (at least unconsciously) to go out and meet someone to become a proper, regular sexual partner, if I didn't have so much porn to fall back on?

At the moment, I'm right on the edge of a big call. I'm thinking of dumping my pics collection, maybe purging the drive of scenes too. Fair enough, the DVDs will stay. A man has urges, so having Belladonna a/k/a Filthy Whore to hand might be necessary for when it gets too much. But porn has become a hobby, a pastime, and I worry its become a waste of my time to the detriment of actually having a life. It defines a lot of who I am when I'm not working, and that fact has only just become apparent to me. Most guys watch porn when they need to, but for most of them I imagine that amounts to the 2 minutes of Spankwire or equivalent that they need to fulfill their need, probably no more time than they'd take over taking a piss. What I do isn't normal, and it isn't healthy.

I've seen the argument and I've made the argument over the years that a porn habit is not a problem if nobody's getting hurt. Well, I think my habit is hurting someone. It's hurting me. There's a very real possibility my porn consumption, very shortly, will become limited to approving attachments in the mod capacity.

I don't know why I felt like posting this here ; "cool story bro" is probably on its way. But I had to get it off my chest how I feel and what I'm doing, and it's not like I can talk to any of my real life friends about it. So, there it is. I think I'm broken, and I'd like to be fixed. There's a big world out there, and I won't see much of it jerking off at my laptop night after night.

 

[BoobyMonster]

If you feel that porn has affected you to the point where you can't lead a "normal" life, then ditch it. All of it. Sell it, trash it, whatever you need to do, but get rid of it. Go cold turkey, and get some counseling if you feel that it's necessary. You have an addiction, no different than smoking, eating, or collecting beanie babies. The first step is to take away the access to this addiction, then deal with it. It won't be easy; in fact it will be hard. You will have urges, and at times you will give into those urges. But it's important not to beat yourself up after having a weak moment. Pick yourself up, and move on. Contact the chick you hooked up with. Take a chance and message her. Take the initiative. Sure it can be scary, but from what you have said, she seems into you.

Anyone can beat an addiction and move on. You just have to make that first, scary step. I hope this doesn't sound too preachy, but at least I didn't say "cool story, bro." Oh wait...

 

[sean miguel]

At the moment, I'm right on the edge of a big call. I'm thinking of dumping my pics collection, maybe purging the drive of scenes too. Fair enough, the DVDs will stay.

I've done that before. Deleted my entire collection but that best of folder "just in case." When I finally caved in to that exception, it was back to right-click-save-a-palooza.

That's cool that you want to give it up, and I get why, but it'd probably be better to cut all ties, as painful as that would be.


Good luck, man.

 

[GodsEmbryo]

[...] I don't like who I am. It's time to change that. [...]

Time to take a break and get back in control.

 

[ban-one]

Admitting you have a problem is good, and now that you see it, you can do something about it, and professional help might be good. But if you're wanting to break your addition to porn, I don't think hanging around here with us will help. Too much temptation to get back on the wagon :bandwagon:

 

[Mr. Daystar]

Maybe your problem isn't porn, as much as it is being able stand eye to eye, and talk to girls. Maybe put your porn in a box and stash it, and work on your confidence. Make a promise to yourself you will ask out one girl a week. The worst they can do is say no. Move on the the next one, and remember, you have just as much as the next guy to offer any girl out there. Just a thought.

 

[Ace Boobtoucher]

Yeah, I'm not reading all that and I'll just assume you've retired from your fulfilling career as a fluffer. I still can't believe you only got two votes in the AHOTY thread. If Supa hadn't aggressively campaigned I think you would have been right at the top.

 

[sean miguel]

^ it's not "cool story bro" but more entertaining. He cares. In his own way.

 

[Supafly]

I have been extra-involved with porn and its shenanigans in my time as a moderator, and I think this time was a great one.

A sabbatical is my advice for you, let the forum rest, and in order to get the hang of being actively involved with women, you might want to start doing honorary work someplace where there are women involved, there are many things you can do to be around them and get active.

For me, taking several dancing courses was a good thing, there are always women who are looking for a partner

 

[BioDefenseGrad]

I had somewhat of a "dark night of the soul" moment last night. Not that long after I posted this :



I realized last night when I was trying to put myself to sleep post-fap with about 5 hours due until I had to get up for work... that I might not like who I've become due to porn, near-obsession with nude models and celebrities, and the amassing of visual stimulus for masturbation. I struggled to get to sleep as it dawned on me just how bad things have become over the years.

Since I was young I watched porn, but things weren't always this bad. I had a four year relationship with an actual woman, with actual sex, living together, talking about the future and everything. It's been five years since we split up, but it might as well be fifty. Since her, my physical contact with women has almost entirely been through escorts. My interest in porn got out of control and when I had a hiatus from working things got worse - I signed up here to talk to other people about porn. I've spent stupid amounts of money on clips, site memberships, DVDs, calls and cam sessions. Anything for my next fix. I bought a 1 TB portable drive because I didn't want my hard drive getting full. That should have been a clue - not only was I paying for porn, but also for more storage for my burgeoning porn collection. I never noticed how often I don't get a sensible night's sleep because I want to stay up watching "babe channels" or chatting to other masturbators, but it's very often.

So, last Friday a girl pulled me. I've never been any good with women, not really. All the women I ever got anywhere with had to make the first move on me. This one started a conversation with me, initiated the first kiss, invited me back to hers, and basically did all the work. When I said I should go home, she said I could stay. After I started sleeping on the sofa, she said I could come to bed. I wasn't used to it, even at 32 I've never really had much physical contact with women I barely know unless I'm paying them. There was also lots of chatting, and I thought we got on really well. She seemed shy, despite having seemed obviously keen to get me back in the first place... almost like she wanted it to happen, but she wasn't really that kind of person. Which was fine, neither am I. Several times through waking up in the morning, through the mists of hangover, I asked if I should go, and she kept saying I didn't have to if I didn't want to. Eventually about 1.30 in the afternoon, I needed to go. Her housemates were up and about and I felt horribly awkward and needed to recover some belongings from their living room. I massively panicked and I'd given her my number the night before on paper (before she persuaded me to stay) but she didn't know where it was so she gave me her phone to punch it into - I then told her "Don't one-ring me now though, my battery is dead" which was true, and then I left. And I've spent this week realizing what a dick I was for not getting her number. In my hungover panic attack, I left her my number because I wanted to leave the ball in her court, and didn't want to ask for her number in case she didn't really want to give it me.

So I spent this week thinking.... will she text me (she hasn't yet)? Did I imagine that even through the shy quirkiness that she seemed genuinely interested in me, or was I actually just a drunken mistake? What if she's as shy as I am, and just can't bring herself to text me? Maybe she's as shit at "the game" as I am and doesn't want to text for fear of seeming too eager/easy? Should I pop a note through her letterbox (I know the area, I remember where she lives) as some of the girls at work suggest is "romantic" but I think is too much like being a stalker? I've text my friends who know better about this type of thing. Thankfully not many have give me the truth I'm trying not to face up to : maybe I'm just reading too much into a casual fumble, and I have an unfortunate habit of falling very quickly for any pretty girl that pays me any attention.

So, what has one to do with the other? As I lay there post-wank last night, I realized most people figure this kind of crap out in their teens and early 20s, and I never did. I was ALWAYS that guy that stays in masturbating instead of getting out there, meeting girls, learning how to read signs and learning to NOT try and date every girl that puts her tongue in my mouth. And now, I waste too many evenings on saving more pics than I'll ever need. Creative things I could be doing (and I have projects on the go) are neglected because there are naked girls to look at. When people ask "what did you do last night?" I just say "Nothing" because it's better than the truth. I don't like who I am. It's time to change that. I've been going back to the gym this week, but it's the extra wasted downtime that needs fixing. How much better would I do at work if I was sleeping properly instead of staying up late to toss off? How much keener would I be (at least unconsciously) to go out and meet someone to become a proper, regular sexual partner, if I didn't have so much porn to fall back on?

At the moment, I'm right on the edge of a big call. I'm thinking of dumping my pics collection, maybe purging the drive of scenes too. Fair enough, the DVDs will stay. A man has urges, so having Belladonna a/k/a Filthy Whore to hand might be necessary for when it gets too much. But porn has become a hobby, a pastime, and I worry its become a waste of my time to the detriment of actually having a life. It defines a lot of who I am when I'm not working, and that fact has only just become apparent to me. Most guys watch porn when they need to, but for most of them I imagine that amounts to the 2 minutes of Spankwire or equivalent that they need to fulfill their need, probably no more time than they'd take over taking a piss. What I do isn't normal, and it isn't healthy.

I've seen the argument and I've made the argument over the years that a porn habit is not a problem if nobody's getting hurt. Well, I think my habit is hurting someone. It's hurting me. There's a very real possibility my porn consumption, very shortly, will become limited to approving attachments in the mod capacity.

I don't know why I felt like posting this here ; "cool story bro" is probably on its way. But I had to get it off my chest how I feel and what I'm doing, and it's not like I can talk to any of my real life friends about it. So, there it is. I think I'm broken, and I'd like to be fixed. There's a big world out there, and I won't see much of it jerking off at my laptop night after night.

Great and honest post. There are millions of porn addicts in the world who don't have the courage to write this, even on the internet. I think now that the economy is getting better in many Western countries, men are starting to take strong looks at themselves in their steps toward a better future.

Reps to you.

You're going to have to distract your brain when you're on your personal time by filling it with some other pleasurable activities. I'd recommend something social, physical or both. If there are any adult sports leagues, I'd recommend. Crossfit? I'd recommend. Not something like running where it will be easy to cave-in when the urge hits you. There's also non physical social meetup groups, card game groups etc.

Stay away from online gambling or online gaming!

 

[FreeOnes_Adam]

Why not pull back and enjoy some softcore and/or lesbian content? It's a lot more sensual than your average gonzo stuff and its still erotic without overdoing it if you think you're over-stimulated.

I always take some breaks and go for girl girl. Its quite fun to do once in awhile. As a matter of fact, the last scene I enjoyed was a solo Sasha Grey scene from Twistys. It was more than enough.

 

[Antonella Kahllo]

The first step to regain your life back is by recognizing the problem, when Porn has invaded your life, You need to stop it, reach out for help my friend, go out and socialize often, practice meditation, read books that will be soothing for your soul, I recommend the book "The Untethered Soul" this book has changed many lives. This book will teach you how to silence the nagging voices we have in our heads. Amazing book, Also practice sports or hobbies/ find outdoor activities that will keep your mind busy. Good luck on your journey my friend.:lips:

 

[Harley Spencer]

Well Stiffy, you're one of my favorite people on here. I think you're really nice, funny, and interesting to talk to (or at least to read your posts), and I'd be sad to see you go. But if you really feel that quitting all the porn will be beneficial, which it probably will be, then best of luck to you. I do agree with some of the points you've made and think that too much porn can really hurt our personal relationships. I'll miss you!

 

[genocide_cutter]

Oh boy

 

[Mr_Stiffy]

Thank you for your replies. I am almost disappointed that I have not been trolled in response!

Contact the chick you hooked up with. Take a chance and message her. Take the initiative. Sure it can be scary, but from what you have said, she seems into you.

This is happening. I have nothing to lose.

That's cool that you want to give it up, and I get why, but it'd probably be better to cut all ties, as painful as that would be.

I'm toying with the idea of avoiding everything apart from the images I have to approve as mod. See if I can train myself to "look without looking" if that makes sense.

But if you're wanting to break your addition to porn, I don't think hanging around here with us will help. Too much temptation to get back on the wagon :bandwagon:

You're right, probably. But I enjoy the chatter too much. If I can kill off actively searching for content then I'll still moderate, maybe, and at least join in Dino's threads about hot dogs etc.

Maybe your problem isn't porn, as much as it is being able stand eye to eye, and talk to girls.

This is it. Talking to girls without agenda is fine. The second I realize I want something to happen, I flake out. Last Friday night I assumed nothing was going on and just was myself and wasn't nervous or anxious right up until the moment she put her tongue in my mouth. I only ever get anywhere with girls when I'm not trying.

Why not pull back and enjoy some softcore and/or lesbian content? It's a lot more sensual than your average gonzo stuff and its still erotic without overdoing it if you think you're over-stimulated.

It all comes under the same heading. It's all the same, actively searching out material for self-abuse. It's part of me I don't like any more. Fixing the outside is fine but I need to look after head and heart too and whether it's Bonnie Rotten taking on six penises at once, Ruby Rose just standing around with her tits out in OITNB, or just particular great cleavage shots of a Charlotte McKinney or Emily Ratajkowski, I need to get off that merry-go-round.

Well Stiffy, you're one of my favorite people on here.

Likewise. I reckon you knew that, of course.

I'll miss you!

I won't just actually leave the board without saying for definite. I'd like not to, but I can't rule it out. If I can moderate without spending too much time gawping at pics, saving any to my hard drive or getting tempted into reading the babe threads for non-modding reasons (and oops! I've spent two hours looking at tits again) then I'll do so. Depends how well I do. Depends how better I feel in a week or so. The last couple of days I've woken up feeling much better. But if the board becomes too much temptation then maybe I'll go with fox' recommendation and cut it all out. But even then, I might just surrender mod status so I don't need to approve pics any more and stick to non-porn topics in Talk. I couldn't give up the irreverence.

Anyhoo speaking of hot dogs earlier.... box of bellends anyone?

 

[CrimsonBolt]

Even the stuff that you eat look like sex. LOL

Well, man wish you good luck with that, Actually there's no need to put all the porno in the trash. (if you want to separate from your dvd collection you can send me them )
Try to be reasonable you can wank once in a day or try every two days (could be a little hard)

You can also go to theatre (not for watching movies with naked birds ) playing video game (game like far cry won't made your dick hard, except if are an psychopathe lol) go to the gym or like Antonella say read a book (NO!, not the kamasustra!)

I'm sure you'll will find a way to distract you.

 

[Rock111x]

Mate , stay strong. I know I am a noob, but you can find people here who care, beyond the trolls and dead beats. Porn is just a thing that can help in the right time. And this site, from a noobs perspective, is more about community . Just been through a divorce , and finding a community helps . So what if it is a community that appreciates beauty, this is nothing to be ashamed of . Maybe go to the pub and drink more beer. Sounds like you are in a dark place at the moment, but it won't last forever . Just fight the dark times and force yourself to succeed . Don't let the dark win

 

[CrimsonBolt]

So finally what happened? Did you see that chick?

And about the porn did you resist to the temptation?

I almost forgot Jasmine James is in a upcoming vid with your buddy Danny D

I'm a sadistic man i know. :whip:

 

[Mr_Stiffy]

So finally what happened? Did you see that chick?

I tried to, but I think I came on too strong and scared her off. C'est la vie. In the words of my favourite philosopher, "Done, done, onto the next one."

And about the porn did you resist to the temptation?

I have not watched a scene or looked at any nude/semi-nude images outside of ones I've moderated since I made that post. I feel a lot better about myself and how I spend my time, and I've found myself much more aware of a tight pair of jeans, great cleavage or pretty face in the street than I was before the change.

I almost forgot Jasmine James is in a upcoming vid with your buddy Danny D

Jasmine was one of my favourites. :crying:

 

[CrimsonBolt]

I tried to, but I think I came on too strong and scared her off. C'est la vie. In the words of my favourite philosopher, "Done, done, onto the next one."

Don't tell me that you forgot the flowers? :hammer:

I have not watched a scene or looked at any nude/semi-nude images outside of ones I've moderated since I made that post. I feel a lot better about myself and how I spend my time, and I've found myself much more aware of a tight pair of jeans, great cleavage or pretty face in the street than I was before the change.

9 days without wanking :eek: tough!

Jasmine was one of my favourites.

I know, good luck with your abstention.