Have your significant others been hiding finances from you?

[betagammapi]

My wife and I are working on trying to get a mortgage application put together in 12-18 months, and I've been trying to start planning for that. Problem is that she is not open with finances, and she isn't nearly as open with them as we promised we would be when we got married almost three years ago. Based on my discussions with her I really am starting to suspect there are some problems with her CCs that she does not want me to know about, maybe even an extra credit card or two that I do not know about. Obviously we're in need of marriage counseling (something we plan on doing as soon after our graduate degrees are finished), and quite frankly this isn't the only issue that I have with this marriage, but her intentionally avoiding this particular topic is very very bothersome.

Is there any way for me to legally get this information so that I can confront her about it? She sure as hell isn't going to give me the "smoking gun" and I've already asked her for her CC statements. Have any of you gone through this?

 

[lurkingdirk]

Significant otherS? Do you live in Utah?

 

[BlueBalls]

Yes, so I murdered them.

 

[L3ggy]

Maybe he's a sheikh? Or one of those guys with multiple wives.

 

[Ace Bandage]

Significant otherS? Do you live in Utah?

He could also be a cult leader. :dunno:

If everyone thinks you're the Savior, they turn a blind eye to polygamy. At least in my commune they do...

 

[Ari Dee]

It's sad that your wife can't be more mature.

I don't make any purchase over $40 without consulting my S/O, and vice versa.
(They know every single penny I spend though, and I've never owned a CC.)

 

[L3ggy]

Am I seeing this correctly?

 

[PlumpRump]

Unless she's willing to be forthcoming with you, there really is no legal way of obtaining financial information that she may be withholding from you, as "the Fair Credit Reporting Act only allows individuals to get credit reports on themselves," unless you were, say, to obtain an "order of a court having jurisdiction to issue such an order, or a subpoena issued in connection with proceedings before a Federal grand jury. These requests must be made by the court directly to the credit reporting agency," and would probably not relieve much of the stress that your marriage is, seemingly, currently under. Unless you are planning on getting a divorce, or have no qualms about requesting a court order/subpoena in regards to your wife's (assumed) personal finances, you're pretty much out of luck, unless she happens to have a moment in which she decides to be 100% forthcoming with you. Reference here.

Although, some things may or may not be brought to light through the mortgage application process, hopefully either a.) she isn't hiding anything from you, which seems unlikely as your assertion is probably near to accurate, knowing your spouse as well as I'm assuming you do, or b.) she just comes clean with you and you are able to have a rational discussion between spouses about what to do to rectify the situation.

I, personally, couldn't imagine being married to someone I felt was withholding financial information from me, but apparently this sort of misgiving is not uncommon.

Good luck, either way.

 

[betagammapi]

Maybe I should have phrased that title a bit differently, lol. Anyway...this is new territory for us and it should have been handled three years ago. Live and learn. I want to say her spending is fine, but on the other hand I really do not appreciate the secrecy.

 

[D-rock]

Unless she's willing to be forthcoming with you, there really is no legal way of obtaining financial information that she may be withholding from you, as "the Fair Credit Reporting Act only allows individuals to get credit reports on themselves," unless you were, say, to obtain an "order of a court having jurisdiction to issue such an order, or a subpoena issued in connection with proceedings before a Federal grand jury. These requests must be made by the court directly to the credit reporting agency," and would probably not relieve much of the stress that your marriage is, seemingly, currently under. Unless you are planning on getting a divorce, or have no qualms about requesting a court order/subpoena in regards to your wife's (assumed) personal finances, you're pretty much out of luck, unless she happens to have a moment in which she decides to be 100% forthcoming with you. Reference here.

Although, some things may or may not be brought to light through the mortgage application process, hopefully either a.) she isn't hiding anything from you, which seems unlikely as your assertion is probably near to accurate, knowing your spouse as well as I'm assuming you do, or b.) she just comes clean with you and you are able to have a rational discussion between spouses about what to do to rectify the situation.

I, personally, couldn't imagine being married to someone I felt was withholding financial information from me, but apparently this sort of misgiving is not uncommon.

Good luck, either way.

It makes me wonder if that is the case is the spouse also legally on the hook for any monetary trouble the other spouse gets into? It would be pretty bad to be legally in debt and not even be able to find out about it.

 

[RichardNailder]

 

[Rey C.]

A couple of years ago, it was possible to get a conventional prime mortgage with a credit score in the high 500's. Now it's pretty much impossible to get ANY sort of mortgage with that sort of FICO score. Subprimes are almost nonexistent now at major banks (there are still some low rent, loan shark type mortgage brokers floating around though), and conventional primes require a score of at least 650. Some banks are requiring 680 and above.

Tell your wife this: if the plan is to buy a home/get a mortgage in 12-18 months, then you both need to get a copy of your FICO scores right NOW! This will give you time to work on anything "unexpected" that might be on there. I'm not trying to be funny or sexist in saying this. But 99 times out of 100, when I found a couple with credit issues, and one partner didn't have any idea what was going on with the issue, it was usually the wife who was trying to be slick. Typically the wife would have gotten some credit cards (usually store credit cards) under her maiden name (sometimes opened AFTER getting married), not realizing that credit rating agencies track payment histories and develop scores based on the social security number, not the name. You could legally change your name to something TOTALLY different, and even that wouldn't matter.

Maybe your wife has a spending or credit problem - I have no idea. But if she's serious about buying a home and getting a mortgage in a year or so, she might as well face reality now, rather than waiting until you're sitting in front of a banker and being embarrassed. And here's another thing, if she attempts to hide accounts, as she fills out her portion of the loan application, that ALONE can be a basis for denying the application. Sure, you can re-apply somewhere else. But the credit report inquiry made by the first bank is also going to show up on your credit report, and the more of those you have, that also lowers your FICO score.

Are there ways for you to get a copy of her credit file without her knowing? Sure. All you need is her social security number. Legally? Hmm, I don't know about that. But rather than getting all James Bond 007, just put it to her straight. Both of you need to be honest with each other, if you're going to make this work. If you have to operate in secret (or she does), then it's probably time to start planning an exit strategy now. And if it looks like she's perpetually slick, and doesn't want to shape up, I most DEFINITELY would not buy a house with this person.

Good luck.

 

[squallumz]

yikes. dangerous territory.

tread lightly. tread lightly.

 

[Death-Proof-69]

if there's no trust then you two shouldn't be together...just sayin

 

[Whit]

A couple of years ago, it was possible to get a conventional prime mortgage with a credit score in the high 500's. Now it's pretty much impossible to get ANY sort of mortgage with that sort of FICO score. Subprimes are almost nonexistent now at major banks (there are still some low rent, loan shark type mortgage brokers floating around though), and conventional primes require a score of at least 650. Some banks are requiring 680 and above.

Tell your wife this: if the plan is to buy a home/get a mortgage in 12-18 months, then you both need to get a copy of your FICO scores right NOW! This will give you time to work on anything "unexpected" that might be on there. I'm not trying to be funny or sexist in saying this. But 99 times out of 100, when I found a couple with credit issues, and one partner didn't have any idea what was going on with the issue, it was usually the wife who was trying to be slick. Typically the wife would have gotten some credit cards (usually store credit cards) under her maiden name (sometimes opened AFTER getting married), not realizing that credit rating agencies track payment histories and develop scores based on the social security number, not the name. You could legally change your name to something TOTALLY different, and even that wouldn't matter.

Maybe your wife has a spending or credit problem - I have no idea. But if she's serious about buying a home and getting a mortgage in a year or so, she might as well face reality now, rather than waiting until you're sitting in front of a banker and being embarrassed. And here's another thing, if she attempts to hide accounts, as she fills out her portion of the loan application, that ALONE can be a basis for denying the application. Sure, you can re-apply somewhere else. But the credit report inquiry made by the first bank is also going to show up on your credit report, and the more of those you have, that also lowers your FICO score.

Are there ways for you to get a copy of her credit file without her knowing? Sure. All you need is her social security number. Legally? Hmm, I don't know about that. But rather than getting all James Bond 007, just put it to her straight. Both of you need to be honest with each other, if you're going to make this work. If you have to operate in secret (or she does), then it's probably time to start planning an exit strategy now. And if it looks like she's perpetually slick, and doesn't want to shape up, I most DEFINITELY would not buy a house with this person.

Good luck.

Yes, I agree totally! Now is the time to get a credit report for house loan, to fix mistakes and see where you stand. It she refuses, stop looking for a house, your marriage isn't going to last anyway!

 

[~~whimsy~~]

Oh you're gonna be in for some fun within six months if you keep the questions up... Enjoy.

 

[betagammapi]

Thanks for the advice y'all. I've been doing a little research on this -- while I am not legally responsible for her debt it does affect the both of us with this mortgage. I ask her every day about discussing CCs, and every day there's another excuse.

I asked her about the credit report, and she said "we should be focusing on other things."
I asked her if she had $20,000 in debt that I don't know about, and she said "I don't even think I have $20,000 in credit." - RED FLAG

So yesterday two CC statements arrive (I don't know how I missed these before) and I look at her bank account (she lets me access that one). All of her cards save one are max'ed out. Nearly $11,000 balance. Now I know why she switched to paying for groceries in cash a few months ago (I thought it was because she was being the responsible one with the new high-five-figure job). The minimum interest she has on any card is 15.5% (I knew that from a long time ago when she told me). Clearly, clearly has a spending problem. Part of it I'm sure was from a few rainy months we had last year, but no excuses.

I sent her a text message while she's at work telling her that I knew about the balances now. I told her I'm not mad about it, but I am concerned...and I do want to help her pay them down. The only problem now is do I risk my own neck to help her? I guess that depends on how forthcoming she is when we talk about this during the weekend. ...and no, I've no interest in buying a home with her now. We both know her FICO was 720 before (mine is 750 thanks to student loans for tuition but otherwise I'm fine) there were a few months of financial trouble and I'm sure that score is even worse now. She needs to show me she can be a responsible spender before I consider it now.

Eight years, three of them married. She can't even be open about this? I'm actually a bit disgusted right now but maybe we can start moving forward on this. I like Ari's suggestion -- no purchase more than $40 goes without discussion.

*sigh*

I don't know what's worse. The fact that I had to go all James Bond on her, or the fact that in the end I believe the end justified the means.

 

[LukeEl]

Yes one woman I dated hid assets, she buried them in a hole she dug, drew a map to find it, and installed a dozen traps of lethal cunning for me to test my wits on in order to find the hidden away assets.

 

[Waterline]

I like to have full disclosure with my wife. We don't have secrets.

It isn't easy, but when you get past the rough spots it creates a better relationship.

 

[Harley Spencer]

I'm sorry you're in that situation.

I couldn't imagine keeping something like that from my guy. I'm always talking about what's going on with money, so that he will always know where I stand and what I can't afford. I don't have a credit card, never will, I have no desire for one- I don't want debts, I don't want extra bills. I want to only spend money that I have, nothing more.

It's so weird to me how so many marriages have problems with talking about money. It's like second nature to me.

Like others have said, you gotta work on your trust issues before you think about moving into a house with her. She needs to open up, be honest, and not be afraid to ask for help. There's no shame in asking for help and there's no shame in being honest about suffering financially.