Ace Boobtoucher Appreciation Thread
- Thread starter Little Red Wagon Repairman
- Start date
Little Red Wagon Repairman
Girls Can't Wrestle
Congrats with your new lady, Ace. We just celebrated our 8th Wedding Anniversary last Wednesday. Marriage is great and my life has never been better. I owe it all to my wife.
Happy Memorial Day too, buddy.
Happy Memorial Day too, buddy.
Ace Boobtoucher
Founder and Captain of the Douchepatrol
Ace Boobtoucher
Founder and Captain of the Douchepatrol
Aaaand she ghosted me. Maybe I smell funny.
Mr. Daystar
In a bell tower, watching you through cross hairs.
Hey man, good to see you around. I hope you're doing well.
Ace Boobtoucher
Founder and Captain of the Douchepatrol
When I was watching "Yellowstone," I wondered what the cowhands had against barrel racers. And then I got involved with one. Holy dog ****. So my crazy ex, the one posing on the patrol car hood, she had a thing for opioids, weed, *******, etc etc. Anyway, my business partner and I gave her a $2.00/hour raise and a little more responsibility patrolling an HOA. Then we started hooking up and it got pretty serious (serious for me, anyway. Uh oh. foreshadowing).
She had keys to my house and stayed over when she was having troubles with her early 80s ford pickup (which was weekly). I tried convincing her to save a couple grand and go car shopping, but she is very stubborn and insisted that even with a couple thousand dollars downpayment, her credit was so shitty that she'd never qualify. Around this time her deadbeat ******* raided her medicine cabinet and either hocked or used all her ************ meds. And her withdrawal and reactions were predictable and sad. I myself, haven't taken anything for pain since bootcamp thirty years ago. I just don't care for the feeling. But I asked my ****** (I'm an asshole) if she had anything in her cabinet she wasn't going to use. Just a little tylenol plus was it. My ex gobbled that **** up, ran her fingers around the inside of the bottle and no **** rubbed it on her teeth.
So a couple months go by and one night she's like three hours late to the jobsite and I'm calling, and knocking on her door and her *** answered. I asked if she were all right and why hadn't she answered when I called and her *** said she often put her phone on silent and relied on the vibrate feature to **** her up. So she woke her up and I hustled her over to the jobsite, clocked her in retroactively (which was enabling behavior now seeing it in hindsight.)
I asked her if there was anything I could do to help her out with whatever issues she might be having. This was right after the "pandemic," so I know there are a lot of people who've been emotionally damaged by all the **** that happened. And she said she'd been seeing a psychiatrist and that she was on a couple different prescriptions that were giving her chronic fatigue and the doctor was trying to isolate the problem and correct the dosage or ************.
Okay. Then she was about five hours late. And to keep my business partner from firing her outright I let him know she had informed me she was having medical issues and was under a doctor's care. We'd face a huge liability if we terminated her with that as the root cause.
Shortly after she starts in on questioning the raise she'd gotten prior to our relationship. I told her it was a reward for loyalty to the company and for a few added responsibilities. Then, and I have no idea how this got into her head, she got it into her head that she was due backpay for the couple years she worked BEFORE the pay raise and that me and my partner were somehow skimming off the top. She honestly didn't understand how raises work and believed we owed her $8,000. She gave me a notepad with the common core math she contrived and I promptly ignored it.
Then she cut me off. No more fun time. And to be honest, since she was around horses whenever she had time off, it really lingered. I couldn't really get down with the primary area that matters because it always smelled of *****. Not that it was a bad experience. She was a lot of fun in the sack. Anyway, she cut me off is the point. And she was still really good friends with her ex.
I did a ridealong with her a couple weeks later to see what she was doing during her shift and I about imploded. She'd drive several miles away from her patrol to run errands and during lulls in the day she'd pull over and do leather crafting **** in the car. I'm not kidding when I write that she'd take a couple hundred pounds of stuff from her pickup. put it in the patrol car, and do arts and crafts. I told her to keep that to a minimum and maybe not bring that stuff to work in the first place. She bought a GMC SUV from one of the residents at the HOA, gave her a good deal. She never got it registered and never got the title properly transferred, so the resident was kind of pissed that he was getting notifications from the DMV and would soon be fined for not re registering the car on time. It was a shitshow.
It came to a head when I was in the car with her one day and I called my partner on speaker phone so she could listen in on a conversation about her claim to the money she hadn't earned. I let him know she had sent me via registered mail that if she didn't receive her claim within a week she would file a claim with the state labor commission. My partner and I both stated our disbelief and the incomprehension we both had that someone could not understand how a raise works.
She jammed on the brakes, started yelling about how I never had her back and that she was quitting. I was dumbstruck. "You overlsept three hours, then four hours and I kept Michael (my partner) from rightly firing you, and you tell me this ****?" Then I suppose I lost it a little bit. "Get the fuck out of my car and off this property."
She made a show of calling someone in tears saying she'd just quit and could he come over and help her out. It was the asshole ex-boyfriend she was fucking on the side. I lost my ****. Really. It takes a lot to really anger me but betrayal is absolutely the direct route to ******* me off.
So she goes back and forth with us about how we owe her this money she doesn't understand she hadn't earned and she finally files a complaint with the statle labor commission. We complied with every request they made and I spoke with the investigator for the case a couple times. He told me he couldn't figure it out himself and that everything we did as employers was above board and the only real sticking point was that she had sent a registered letter with a fucked up document off legal zoom and my reply by text was, "Go fuck yourself." When I told the guy that she was an opioid addict he said, "Well that makes sense now."
The investigator said if I had sent her a registered letter back in response I could have written whatever I wanted, including, "Go fuck yourself." But since I hadn't responded in kind we faced a fine of up to $12,000, as per state law. When I said to the guy we'd never had and never will have a reasonable claim against us and that we make sure everyone who works for us is compensated fairly, he agreed. And seeing as how this was the only instance in which we were in the wrong, the fine would only come out to $1,500.
I asked if that money was going to be given to her and the investigator said yes. So now she thinks she had some kind of legal and moral victory on us.
So this was fall of 2021. I admit I kind of lurked around her facebook a bit just to see what was up and she married the guy she was fucking behind my back. Good for her. I am glad she's happy. I almost wanted to crash their reception, pull down my pants and sit on their wedding cake. But I'm classy. Super classy. I'm so classy I didn't comment on the fact that she'd gained what looks like a hundred pounds and that she had to pry her wedding ring on her bloated fingers with the jaws of life. Like I said, classy.
We're almost up to sixty full time employees. Exposure is really getting us more work. Haven't really been dating anyone with any regularity but I did meet a great lady who's running for governor and kinda wants the D. Super cute and fake boobs. Right in my wheelhouse. I bought a Land Rover that cannot take the heat in Las Vegas. Anytime it's over 105 degrees the air conditioning goes off and I get a warning indicator that the car is about to overheat.
What else? My godson turned five in August and I've been spending time with him playing baseball. It's pretty funny. Last year he'd run the bases and he was so uncoordinated that he looked like a marrionette from Team America: World Police. And this year he's running with a little more determination. I got him his first cowboy hat for his birthday. Super cute.
That's about it. I hope all you turds are okay.
She had keys to my house and stayed over when she was having troubles with her early 80s ford pickup (which was weekly). I tried convincing her to save a couple grand and go car shopping, but she is very stubborn and insisted that even with a couple thousand dollars downpayment, her credit was so shitty that she'd never qualify. Around this time her deadbeat ******* raided her medicine cabinet and either hocked or used all her ************ meds. And her withdrawal and reactions were predictable and sad. I myself, haven't taken anything for pain since bootcamp thirty years ago. I just don't care for the feeling. But I asked my ****** (I'm an asshole) if she had anything in her cabinet she wasn't going to use. Just a little tylenol plus was it. My ex gobbled that **** up, ran her fingers around the inside of the bottle and no **** rubbed it on her teeth.
So a couple months go by and one night she's like three hours late to the jobsite and I'm calling, and knocking on her door and her *** answered. I asked if she were all right and why hadn't she answered when I called and her *** said she often put her phone on silent and relied on the vibrate feature to **** her up. So she woke her up and I hustled her over to the jobsite, clocked her in retroactively (which was enabling behavior now seeing it in hindsight.)
I asked her if there was anything I could do to help her out with whatever issues she might be having. This was right after the "pandemic," so I know there are a lot of people who've been emotionally damaged by all the **** that happened. And she said she'd been seeing a psychiatrist and that she was on a couple different prescriptions that were giving her chronic fatigue and the doctor was trying to isolate the problem and correct the dosage or ************.
Okay. Then she was about five hours late. And to keep my business partner from firing her outright I let him know she had informed me she was having medical issues and was under a doctor's care. We'd face a huge liability if we terminated her with that as the root cause.
Shortly after she starts in on questioning the raise she'd gotten prior to our relationship. I told her it was a reward for loyalty to the company and for a few added responsibilities. Then, and I have no idea how this got into her head, she got it into her head that she was due backpay for the couple years she worked BEFORE the pay raise and that me and my partner were somehow skimming off the top. She honestly didn't understand how raises work and believed we owed her $8,000. She gave me a notepad with the common core math she contrived and I promptly ignored it.
Then she cut me off. No more fun time. And to be honest, since she was around horses whenever she had time off, it really lingered. I couldn't really get down with the primary area that matters because it always smelled of *****. Not that it was a bad experience. She was a lot of fun in the sack. Anyway, she cut me off is the point. And she was still really good friends with her ex.
I did a ridealong with her a couple weeks later to see what she was doing during her shift and I about imploded. She'd drive several miles away from her patrol to run errands and during lulls in the day she'd pull over and do leather crafting **** in the car. I'm not kidding when I write that she'd take a couple hundred pounds of stuff from her pickup. put it in the patrol car, and do arts and crafts. I told her to keep that to a minimum and maybe not bring that stuff to work in the first place. She bought a GMC SUV from one of the residents at the HOA, gave her a good deal. She never got it registered and never got the title properly transferred, so the resident was kind of pissed that he was getting notifications from the DMV and would soon be fined for not re registering the car on time. It was a shitshow.
It came to a head when I was in the car with her one day and I called my partner on speaker phone so she could listen in on a conversation about her claim to the money she hadn't earned. I let him know she had sent me via registered mail that if she didn't receive her claim within a week she would file a claim with the state labor commission. My partner and I both stated our disbelief and the incomprehension we both had that someone could not understand how a raise works.
She jammed on the brakes, started yelling about how I never had her back and that she was quitting. I was dumbstruck. "You overlsept three hours, then four hours and I kept Michael (my partner) from rightly firing you, and you tell me this ****?" Then I suppose I lost it a little bit. "Get the fuck out of my car and off this property."
She made a show of calling someone in tears saying she'd just quit and could he come over and help her out. It was the asshole ex-boyfriend she was fucking on the side. I lost my ****. Really. It takes a lot to really anger me but betrayal is absolutely the direct route to ******* me off.
So she goes back and forth with us about how we owe her this money she doesn't understand she hadn't earned and she finally files a complaint with the statle labor commission. We complied with every request they made and I spoke with the investigator for the case a couple times. He told me he couldn't figure it out himself and that everything we did as employers was above board and the only real sticking point was that she had sent a registered letter with a fucked up document off legal zoom and my reply by text was, "Go fuck yourself." When I told the guy that she was an opioid addict he said, "Well that makes sense now."
The investigator said if I had sent her a registered letter back in response I could have written whatever I wanted, including, "Go fuck yourself." But since I hadn't responded in kind we faced a fine of up to $12,000, as per state law. When I said to the guy we'd never had and never will have a reasonable claim against us and that we make sure everyone who works for us is compensated fairly, he agreed. And seeing as how this was the only instance in which we were in the wrong, the fine would only come out to $1,500.
I asked if that money was going to be given to her and the investigator said yes. So now she thinks she had some kind of legal and moral victory on us.
So this was fall of 2021. I admit I kind of lurked around her facebook a bit just to see what was up and she married the guy she was fucking behind my back. Good for her. I am glad she's happy. I almost wanted to crash their reception, pull down my pants and sit on their wedding cake. But I'm classy. Super classy. I'm so classy I didn't comment on the fact that she'd gained what looks like a hundred pounds and that she had to pry her wedding ring on her bloated fingers with the jaws of life. Like I said, classy.
We're almost up to sixty full time employees. Exposure is really getting us more work. Haven't really been dating anyone with any regularity but I did meet a great lady who's running for governor and kinda wants the D. Super cute and fake boobs. Right in my wheelhouse. I bought a Land Rover that cannot take the heat in Las Vegas. Anytime it's over 105 degrees the air conditioning goes off and I get a warning indicator that the car is about to overheat.
What else? My godson turned five in August and I've been spending time with him playing baseball. It's pretty funny. Last year he'd run the bases and he was so uncoordinated that he looked like a marrionette from Team America: World Police. And this year he's running with a little more determination. I got him his first cowboy hat for his birthday. Super cute.
That's about it. I hope all you turds are okay.
"I bought a Land Rover that cannot take the heat in Las Vegas." Uh, sell that before the electrical problems .. "spread." I'm not a SUV guy .. but I hear the older Toyotas can survive a nuclear holocaust. Maybe find one with low miles, and have a trusted mechanic give it a once-over, before buying it.
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