Ax3C
Banned
I'm hoping this hasn't been posted previously. I did run a search, but came up with nothing similar.
I found this the other day while surfing and looking for jokes. There are actually 31 "techniques", but it takes up too much character space on a post, so I've edited for brevity. The Site URL is at the bottom of the post:
I don't know :dunno: whether to laugh my ass off :rofl: at the absurdity and outright stupidity of some of this stuff or be horrified and disgusted :eek: . I will admit it is funny as hell.
The Site can be found here in its entirety:
> 31 Really Bad Masturbation Techniques
I found this the other day while surfing and looking for jokes. There are actually 31 "techniques", but it takes up too much character space on a post, so I've edited for brevity. The Site URL is at the bottom of the post:
1. With a tambourine
It was just before my A-level exams and I was masturbating to relax my nerves. I decided to stick my cock inside the thumb-hold of a tambourine on my desk ... Big mistake, because what went in when I was soft wouldn't come out when I was hard, and it was damn painful too. And of course the blood took ages to leave my cock because the veins were blocked by the constriction. So I had to lie down for ages and ended up getting to my exam late. D'oh!
2. With a bicycle pump
I had heard the term "blow job," but didn't really have a clue what it meant. So, I thought I'd experiment. I got out my bicycle pump, placed the valve on my urethra, and pumped that handle down hard, expecting to feel pleasures beyond my wildest dreams! AHHHHHH! My groin hurt for weeks as I think I tore something inside, but was too ashamed to tell anyone. I really felt stupid. Everything seemed to work fine once I just started masturbating.
3. With an RC truck
I was fooling around with my battery-operated RC truck. It was upside down and has little bumps on the tires of the truck. I wanted to know how it felt on my cock, so I tried it for a little bit. Unfortunately, it gradually caused me to bleed on the head of my cock. You can barely see the scar now, but it wasn't smart using my RC truck. It hurt and I never did it again!
4. With a hard plastic love doll
I don't know of any guys who have a fake pussy to fuck. So I bought one. I tried freezing it (it's weird to do it with an ice-cold pussy) and then I tried heating it. Ouch!! Too hot! Then I just fucked it hard and fast. I pulled out during one of my strokes and jammed my dick on the hard plastic lid part of the toy. It sliced my dick and I had to get four stitches. I told the doctor that I had dropped a knife to cause the damage.
5. With hot sauce
Well, I tried using some hot sauce on my cock while masturbating, and it felt like hell! I'm writing this just to tell other people to NEVER DO THIS!! It is the worst thing you will ever feel.
6. With a pen
I was masturbating with a capped pen up my anus at about 1 o'clock in the morning. My parents were in the next room so I tried to keep it quiet, but I had a amazing orgasm (or at least from what I have experienced). I stopped before I moaned but when I pulled the pen out, the cap (which was on the pen to keep it from poking me) wasn't on it. I could feel the tip of the cap in my anus, but when I tried to get it out by pushing my anus muscles I couldn't and it went completely in my anus. I was so scared and I couldn't tell my parents. I tried all night to get it out and finally fell asleep. The next day I still tried in vain to get it out, but finally that evening I took a crap and it came out. Whew! I had never been so scared in my life.
7. With shampoo
During my first semester at college I found that I had a lot of time to masturbate. One night I decided to masturbate, so I put some porn in the DVD player and tried to find some lotion to use as lube. I couldn't find any, so I figured that I could use some shampoo. While I was whacking off it felt really good! The shampoo had a tingling sensation on my cock. Unfortunately, I did not know that the shampoo dries your skin out. My cock's skin got really tight and started to crack, much like chapped lips. It hurt like hell as the skin fell off my cock to reveal new pink skin underneath. I'm fine now, but I always make sure I have some KY on hand!
8. With wire
I saw an anecdote on the Internet once about how Arabs masturbate and I decided to try it! It involves inserting a long wire into the urethra and down the length of the erect penis. Long story short, the wire didn't follow the path precisely and I ended up stabbing my penis from the inside. I was in the hospital for three days.
9. With toothpaste
I was experimenting with different lubes, and one time I tried toothpaste. At first it was strange yet nice, but when I was done some of the toothpaste went inside me. It burned like hell for about 20 minutes, and I was in the shower trying to cool it.
10. With chewing gum
One day I was chewing some Big League Chew gum. It felt so soft and gooey in my mouth that I decided to rub it on my dick. It was the worst decision I ever made! As I was rubbing it on my dick, the gum got caught on my pubes. I got in the shower and spent like an hour trying to get the stuff off. Then I finally decided just to cut my pubes off with some scissors. I had no pubes left.
11. With Jalapeno peppers
I was making chili with jalapeno peppers, about the hottest kind that you can get. While I was chopping them I didn't realize that the juice and oil in the peppers would burn more as time went on. Later I was stroking my cock and realized that not only were my hands now burning from the pepper oil, but now my whole shaft was burning too! I stopped immediately and tried to wash it off, but I found that it takes something like baking powder to neutralize the acid. Too late!! I felt my cock burning for about a day after that and I couldn't stop thinking about it as a result. I still managed to get in a few orgasms though! Now I wear gloves when handling spicy foods!
12. With a TV remote
One night I was home alone and watching TV. I suddenly "got that urge" and needed to hump something fast. All I could find to use that was remotely close to a dildo was, ironically, the remote. It was fairly good-sized and I was forcing it in and out of my pussy and rubbing my clit at the same time, and the buttons felt INCREDIBLE. So after I came, I took the remote out and wiped it off on my pants, and started to use it ... but it didn't work! I changed the batteries, I cleaned it as best I could, but all my cum had totally clogged and fried the thing! So I had to throw it against the wall until it looked plenty broken and then I told my parents I stepped on it.
13. With a pencil
I'm a guy. I was in college, and feeling pretty down on myself at the time for reasons to do with my sexual identity. I was masturbating, and I had begun to explore inserting long and skinny, smooth objects into my urethra/the tip of my penis. One night I had been drinking, and had just had a fairly disappointing sexual encounter with an also-drunk classmate, a gal. Anyhow, I was just experimenting while learning that I preferred guys. So I was back at my dorm, alone, jacking it, and I inserted a pencil, eraser-end first, into my penis. It was clean and new, but the metal edges were a lot sharper than I was realizing, me being intoxicated and all. It hurt, but that seemed okay. But when I shot, the cum came out with a lot of blood. I was horrified! The next day, it burned when I pissed, but it seemed to have healed. However, as a result, years down the road, I have ongoing pain in the section of my urethra where the eraser's metal band cut, and I am prone to PAINFUL urethra infections in this same section of "road." It's really stupid that I still hit myself in the head over this, but there's really nothing to be done save for going to a doctor, which I suppose is the next step. Life sure is funny! Humorously enough, of all my entire life, this is probably one of my very few regrets. It was a case of self-mutilation that was a consequence of my feeling really down on myself. Dumb duhdumb duhdumb, oh well!
14. With duct tape
One morning after I woke up I was feeling right randy, and I guess a little loony as well! So what did I do? Well, I opened up a chest in my room and got a ring of duct tape, taped it around my little friend, and started to wank. It did not work too good, and now that I think about it, I don't see how it could have, but I was very tired at the time so you can't blame me. I was feeling right loony. But anyway, the duct tape was very tight and started to cut off blood flow. I couldn't get it off so I ran around the house trying to find something to cut with. I found a knife and then started to cut the tape and then "OUCH!" I stabbed myself right in my willy! I had to run to the docs for help and from there to the hospital! I didn't want my penis to come out looking like hamburger meat so I has to swallow my pride and let them remove the tape at the hospital. But my willy came out fine in the end!
15. With a candle
I was masturbating with a candle like I usually do, but I couldn't find my usual one, so I decided to use a teal-colored one. After cumming multiple times I pulled the candle out and realized it was faded white.... I went to the bathroom to clean myself up and my cum was teal. I'll never use that candlestick again; now I only use white ones!
I don't know :dunno: whether to laugh my ass off :rofl: at the absurdity and outright stupidity of some of this stuff or be horrified and disgusted :eek: . I will admit it is funny as hell.
The Site can be found here in its entirety:
> 31 Really Bad Masturbation Techniques
